Met my new partner (M) at work, and we've been dating now for 6 m's. In my 40's & this is the only decent relationship I've ever had, been through some c**P with men through the yrs but know I've finally met a decent one in him.
Anywho, he confided in me pretty early on that many yrs ago he had spent at least a 10-yr period with a gambling addiction to slot/fruit machines & had lost a LOT of money, though had sought help & finished paying it off a cpl yrs ago. For clarity, he doesn't have his own place but a highly-paid job with a lot of disposable income.
FF to this week, Grand National, Cheltenham etc etc and my intuition kicked in & I found he'd been sneaking the bookies on his lunch break, sneaking into loo to watch races on his phone etc. He said it's a hard time of year in the gambling addicts world
I thought I'd finally have a chat with him today as I was a little worried for/about him, but he was grateful of this & assured me that his addiction was never to racing (machines only), which I believe can actually be a thing when it comes to gambling addiction.
He is a really intelligent guy who has his head screwed on but I know these things happen to anyone, regardless of status, job, etc.
Am I right to worry or am I being unreasonable to be meddling this early on?
For clarity, I am the least judgemental person and this he is very aware of (I've confided in him something that he could've very well walked away from early on) hence why he clearly felt comfortable enough to share this with me
Once again i find it difficult supplying the correct experience to partners of gambling addicts. I am a recovering compulsive gambler and I know any bet with any thing would trigger a big spiral… yes you can control it up until a point but the risk of it taking over is too great so completely abstaining from gambling really creates the only way away from it and to stop thinking about it 24/7.
there are a few tools on this website which could help you, I went to physical GA meetings for some (years) time to help me and maybe it could be a eye opener for your partner. If I could I would go back to ga meetings but I can’t due to work commitments.
I must say tho that not all compulsive gamblers are bad people either, it’s not just about stopping gambling it’s also trying to make ones self a better person…. I have also stopped drinking and smoking on top of gambling which might give you a picture of potentials if one has a addictive personality.
hopefully the admin can help point you in the right direction too but speak to other partners and get a broader idea of what you’re partner is going through.
just for today I will not gamble, and enjoy the fruits of my labour with a non alcoholic beer
dave101
Hi caged bird
I’m the wife of a compulsive gambler.
a few things that are red flags to me from your post.
’sneaking’, watching racing on phone, in the loo.
’intelligent guy with high paid job and a lot of disposable income’
ten year slot machine habit that he calls short term
his repayment of debt only finished a couple of years ago
i I don’t believe you are addicted to one thing. I believe you are an addict and will go from one form of bad behaviour to another.
my husband had a well paid job with disposable income, gambled for 30years, took us 10 years of loans to repay his debt. I say us because I was dragged into the chaos with him thinking if I helped him repay, it would be over. Even when he operated on cash only and supposedly had stopped he was sneaking into the bookies.
i don’t think you’re meddling, I think you’re here because you’re worried. It’s odd behaviour.
my advice is to never give him money, don’t pay his share. Watch for changes in mood, weird behaviour. Seek support if you need it. Don’t underestimate the power of addiction.
@merry-go-round thank you so much for taking the time to reply 🙏
I prob shouldn’t said, I don’t know for sure about going into the loo/sneaking, it’s just we work together and I kinda put 2 & 2 together yesterday, I Googled the times of the Newmarket races and it was at two of these he was gone for at least 10/15 min each one 😕
He wasn’t the one to use ‘short-term’ problem, that was me stating that in error I guess x
Sorry, bloody auto correct - I meant, I probably ‘should’ve’ said …
@merry-go-round Evening Merry go round
I have read your post and it was very open and honest.
I am a mother of a son with extensive gambling harm for over 9 years. Thankfully with lots of support and an eventual admittance that he needed help, he is gamble free for 17 months.
But recognising and admitting that your harm is out of control can be difficult for some people. Honesty is also very difficult for those that suffer.
I think being honest on your boundaries in respect of you being affected is a good idea. Good people can have extensive gambling harm, they are not bad people. They just need help when they are ready to have it.
Try to keeping talking to someone to support you. Gamcare are amazing at just listening. I can vouch for how fabulous they are on the helplines. call on 0808 8020 133. Also chatrooms can be really useful for connecting with others that know how you feel
Best wishes
Patsy
Hi CagedBird, welcome to the forum.
I am the wife of a compulsive gambler too and can always rely on merrygoround to be direct and honest.
Addicts are usually very secretive like almost living a double life. It was interesting he told you about his gambling early on in the relationship. In a way it’s a good thing but also makes it rather awkward to be involved. My hunch and concern is that he may not have told you the real extent of the story. For me, if a gambler comes clean they should disclose everything to their partner. My husband showed me his credit report, gave me access to his bank acct and also showed me the gamstop exclusion email. He also started attending GA since. He is now 4 years clean. There really should be full transparency and i know it’s awkward to ask for that early on in a relationship but this is not a typical relationship, this is a relationship with an addict.
If you decide not to be involved however, do prepare for the worst. Addiction can only get worse. There will be lies, manipulation and deceit. It’s an illness and without treatment, it takes over the person. Also agree with all the posts above that you can’t be addicted to slots and not races. Gambling addicts should not engage in any form of gambling at all. My husband won’t even want to toss a coin if anything (no matter how small) is at stake.
I wish you well, i can tell you care about this person so much. There is support available. However the gambler should recognise the illness and take lead on actions.
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