Hi all, just wanted to share my story and ask for any help or advice please?
My partner and I have been together almost three years. We have four children between us but none together. At the start of 2016 we decided to live together in my rented house. We wanted to save up to buy our own home. He confessed that he had a large number of high interest loans which, which meant he wouldn't be able to afford to save. In order to help us both I took out a low interest loan for 15K to cover his debts in order to reduce his monthly payments. He in return was to transfer his salary to my account every month (or what was left after he had paid a few other commitments (child maintenace etc).
Everything was fine, until the following June. I noticed that the amount he was transferring to me every month was getting less and less, and then one day, he had used my phone to log in to his sky bet account and it was still open on my phone. I knew he liked a bet so I had a nosey to see how much he'd been gambling. I was shocked to see that he had bet hundreds of pounds just in the previous few days! I confronted him about it, and he fobbed me off saying that it was money from a 'big win' he'd had and he was trying to win us more so we could pay off our debts and buy a house. My mum was in hospital at the time withh terminal cancer so I accepted his explanation and put it to the back of my mind.
My mum sadly passed away a couple of weeks later. My dad asked us to move in with him and take out a mortgage on his house to extend it so there was room for all of us, and also to give my brother a lump sum for his share of the house. We decided to do that. Because my partner still had a house that he was trying to sell with his ex, we decided that I would first get a mortgage on my own, to pay for the renovations (and pay off my loan), with a view that we would get a joint mortgage at a later date with an advance to give my brother his share of his inheritance.
Early November, just as everything was starting to come together with the mortgage etc, I started to get a feeling again that something wasnt quite right. We had a few rows as I had found gambling slips etc and I knew he was reducing the amount of money he was giving me again. It came to a head one night when I confronted him again. He confessed that he thought he had a gambling problem, but that he was going to get help. He told me that he was another £12K in debt.
I was devastated, but after a lot of thought, decided that I loved him too much to lose him, and that I would support him. He started getting his wages paid into my account and he gave me access to his bank account and loans/credit card accounts. I thought I had access to everything. The only thing that worried me, was a capital one credit card, but his bank statement showed he had paid it off in the October before. I asked him about it time and time again. Are you sure its gone? Is the account definitely closed? Has the card been detroyed? He reassured me time and time again that the card was gone, that account was closed and I had nothing to worry about. He started going to gamblers anonymous meetings. I even went with him to an open meeting. I found it very helpful and it helped me to understand why he had done what he had done.
Fast forward to early January 2017. I now have my mortgage. I have paid off some off his new debt (high interest loans ovbiously) but not the original loan I took out for him. The building work is well underway. I check my partners credit score to see how it has been affected to see if there is any chance we might still be able to get a joint mortgage? Its absolutely terrible. Main reason being that the credit card he swore was gone, is still being well used and he has accumulated another £1200 of debt drawing out cash from it and using it to gamble. I feel totally broken. He's been lying to me, and himself (and gamblers anonymous) I feel like hes taken none of this seriously at all. And I feel responsible as I've let him off so easily. I have no one I can talk to about it. I darent tell my dad or brother what he's done. I've confronted my partner about it. Cut up the credit card. He's cried and apologised and sworn it won't happen again. I've said I'll forgive him again. But the truth is I feel heart broken. I don't trust a word he says. He has to work away a lot, and i'm scared the whole time that he will do it again. How do I ever learn to trust him again? He is still going to meetings - although he's yet to come clean to them about the new additional gambling so I'm really wondering if its any use or if hes just fooling himself?.....and me?
Thanks for any help or advice.
Your story is so familiar to other on here. have you read other posts? Look for posts by Cynical Wife , not that I am recommending her, but she offers a lot of support on this forum and might be a good person to ask.
I might encourage you to ring Gamcare and speak to one of their operators as they can take you through some options including maybe some counselling or you could consider getting in touch with Gam-anon - the family and friends arm to GA. Has your partner mentioned Gam-anon as an option for you?
Thanks for your reply. I will have a look through some of the other posts. Gam anon was mentioned to me at the meeting I attended with my partner. It could be an option. I'll have a look into it. thanks
Hi,
Well done for posting your story and for finding this site.
I know how awful the feelings you have are - how hurt you are the the person closest to you has completely betrayed you, that everything you thought you knew is a lie, how angry you are that he's put you in this situation and that worst of all - you still love him. I know those feelings all too well.
I think it's fantastic that you stood by him and supported him - I did the same...but so many people wouldn't have. I think that's why it's so painful the second time around, because you stood by them before and they cry and promise you that it'll never happen again, but it does.
It's also great that you tool control of the situation and the finances and that he was happy to show you passwords and things - my partner was the same, which helps I think.
However - unfortunately in situations like this I think you have to be COMPLETELY on top of everything...
Gambling is literally everywhere you turn so it's nearly impossible to police it completely...
But my partners wage is paid into my bank account, we've asked his bank for paper bank statements which I look at every month, I made him exclude himself from every gambling website we could think of, I put software on my computer to make it block any gambling or loan sites. I think as long as they're happy to show you - then it's fine. It's when they start hiding stuff and getting defensive is when you have the problem.
My partner is going to councelling now too which seems to be REALLY helping him...He's like a changed man recently, it's lovely to see and we can get back on track with out lives.
I think there is only so many times a person can let you down though...and if all you've done is support them and try to help them, there definitely has to be a line. And they need to be completely aware of where that line is.
Hi,
Sorry to hear it and echo Becky.
In the chaos of trying (unsuccessfully) to run after an active gambler, everything becomes about the gambler and that's not healthy. Move your focus to you and keep it there. This isn't about him and how much he bets, it's about the situation that you're in, the effect that his addiction is having on you, about how you want to live your life and about what you expect and need from your life partner. It's fair enough to save a toddler from himself, deal with tantrums and tidy up all aspects of his mess but to end up doing this for an adult equal life partner?
We've all done bail outs but long term, it's better to avoid paying his gambling debts, they're his debts and better for him to take responsibility for them. At the same time, the burden of paying his gambling debts shouldn't relieve him of his need to pay his way like any other adult. He should prioritise normal household expenditure and whatever's left can go towards his debts. Otherwise you end up supporting him and indirectly paying for the gambling.
The starting point is to get help for you from GamAnon, the GC Helpline and counselling. That will it you in the best position to make the best choices for you.
Tell whoever needs to know about the gambling, starting with your father and brother. It's not impossible that they already know and have been persuaded to lend money/pay off debts and keep quiet to "protect" you. Gambling thrives on secrecy, telling blows it open and makes it harder for him.
You can't trust him at least about financial matters and you should make no apology for refusing to. Rely on financial documents, statements, credit reports but don't rely on what he tells you.
Hope this helps, look after you.
CW
Thanks Everyone, Some really kind words and helpful advice here. I had a meltdown last night with my partner. I told him how desperate I was feeling and how terrified I was of it happening again. I told him he is definitely in last chance saloon and stands to lose everything if it happens again. I don't know if it had any effect on him but it made me feel a lot better. I feel like I've drawn the line and he knows what will happenif he crosses it. I am drained by it all. I don't want to feel like his babysitter. I never signed up for this. I hate giving him 'pocket money' or him having to ask me for money whenever he needs anything. I need to look at getting him banned from gambling sites and betting shops. I've mentinoed it to him a couple of times but he's always been non committal. Like he doesn't think it neccesary. I will try and force the issue now. I think it is necessary even if to just put my mind at rest a little.
Thanks again everyone.
Hi
I'm sorry to see the situation he's put you in. Life with an active CG is hell. Problem here is he doesn't want to give up and until he does there is literally nothing you can do or say, meltdown or calmly which will make him. There are things he could do (him - not you) which would curtail his ability to gamble with near immediate effect but he hasn't done them, he hasn't asked for help doing them and shrugging it off shows he doesn't want to do them and really why would he when you've always been there to pick up the pieces?
Your choices lie with how much of this behaviour if any you will tolerate. Protect your finances and put yourself first. Think hard about the life you want and deserve bearing in mind an unadressed addiction can and will spiral unimaginably.
Take care of you.
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