Hi
I'm new to this, having finally had the courage after many years to admit to myself that there's something very wrong going on...
My husband of 10yrs (together 12) came with debts already when we first met, having (I subsequently found out) already taken out a loan of £20-27k with his previous wife - she never found out what it was for. He's such a lovely, kind and caring man, I stupidly overlooked the debt, even though I left my first husband because of his debts!
We had no home of our own (we'd both lost homes we'd owned with our previous partners), but we worked hard and tried to save for a deposit. My three children still lived with us then, so security was important to us.
Financial difficulties started in 2008, when I found (snooping about as I was so worried) paperwork for a £20k loan of his which I had no idea about. I confronted him, but he would not tell me what it was for, so I hid his van keys. That day he walked 7 miles to town rather than tell me!!
We then couldn't afford a rent increase due to money problems, so moved to a cheaper home. That was where the constant calls from the bank started. He had a small business, and started helping himself to our recently opened joint account to buy stock, so we split our finances again. It was hell, and that year I also lost my mum (I now have no family apart from my kids) - the rent wasn't being paid on time on the new house, and I was struggling to keep myself together. We decided to move in with his father - we were there for almost two years. We started to talk about bankruptcy, although his father, who did the accounts for the business said he couldn't understand why he was in trouble as the business was basically ok.
We moved out, with everything financially in my name, and my husband went bankrupt 3 years ago. We've never had any money, and few holidays or luxuries despite working hard and keeping outgoings low, so I've felt quite cheated in a way, and I've often wondered over the years where his money actually goes.
I have managed to get a house, which is all in my name, and the last of my children left home recently. My husband set up a bank account for savings 21 months ago, which he paid into regularly - I thought he'd learnt his lesson after bankruptcy. However, I asked to see the statements last week, and to my horror out of £9.5k paid in, only £500 left in the account! I can account for only about £4k at the most. This pushed 'all my buttons' again, but I've tried to keep calm. He said he has no other accounts, yet there's a transfer from an online ISA! He's been taking out cash in amounts of £100, £250, £300 -some days £300 from both accounts on the same day, but the max was £650 in one day, totalling over £1000. a month. He does pay towards bills, but there's a lot of cash moving in & out between his bank account & the savings account, and we don't have an extravagant lifestyle!!
I asked him where the money had gone, to which I had the normal reply "I don't know", and he has no receipts for proof either! We're barely talking and I've been busy trying to look into things, but can't really find any answers. Reading through accounts on the forum shows many other similar patterns which seem to stack up to only one thing - gambling. He is a very secretive man, who has never seemed 'comfortable' with himself, but he's also sweet, kind, loving and sometimes generous. He doesn't talk much about his childhood, but I do know it wasn't particularly 'happy' as there were 6 boys altogether and money was tight.
I've spoken to a Gamcare counsellor, who was extremely helpful, but I'm now so scared to confront my husband, as I know he'll totally deny any gambling and worse might get angry with me (not violent), no matter how nicely I put it. I've already told him I've had enough over the years and now want answers, or he will jeopardise our future together. Any suggestions please?
Hi, Pebbles,
Sorry to see the situation you're in. I have been there and you have my every sympathy, for what it's worth.
My husband is a CG, presently in recovery. He hid it for a long, long time and for me, the very worst was doubting what my own common sense told me was going on, doubting my instincts, doubting my sanity. At a point when the children and I knew that their savings had disappeared but we had no proof as to what had happened, he denied, said he had the money safely in another account and at the back of our minds was a niggling doubt, were we doing him a terrible injustice? How could we take action if we couldn't be sure? And even when the bank statements came through and we did have proof of exactly where their money had gone - never mind my money or joint money - he still denied what was there in black and white before finally caving in.
In your situation, something is wrong. Almost certainly gambling but for whatever reason family money is disappearing behind your back and you are left doubting that you deserve an explanation. It's easy enough for me to spell out the obvious - of course you deserve an explanation - but the problem is that he has manipulated you into accepting the unacceptable. Even in the unlikely event that there's another legal explanation for the extreme leakage of cash, you are supposed to be a couple, the norm is for finances to be a joint concern. He should tell you what's going on.
The question for you is about what to tolerate. You don't have to provide your money to him, you don't have to stay in the relationship with him. It's your choice what you do. But you can't make him change, you can't control what he does. That's for him to decide. There is nothing that you can say or do to make him stop leaking cash/gambling.
Look after yourself, tell a friend, get counselling, try GamAnon, whatever works. And obtain statutory £2 reports, in his name if he will cooperate but certainly in yours, from all three credit reference agencies so that you know what debt is in your name.
Hope this helps.
CW
Hi ‘Pebbles’,
Well done, and thanks for your post.
It seems you’ve been going through a very rough financial times in your marriage, and this financial struggle is due to the way your husband manages his finances, and also that of the family.
You seems to be apprehensive about confronting him about the financial state of affairs, and I’m wondering what is stopping you from doing it. Is it about your insecurity or, is it about the fear of breaking down of your marriage? I can understand your fears if that be the case since you said similar thing happened in your previous marriage.
It’s advisable to help and support your husband through difficult times but, if he’s hiding things from you, and wouldn’t explain what he’s been using all those monies for, and also he wouldn’t admit he’s got gambling problem, then he’s not being honest to you, and I’m afraid you have to advise yourself quickly on this occasion.
Try and sit him down and discuss your concerns about future financial progress for both of you, and see what what he comes out with. Let him know that since he’s no answers and proof for all those withdrawals from both of your account, you’re suspecting he’s got a gambling problem. Then encourage him to contact our free phone Helpline: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of the advisers for help and support. Our services run from 8.00am to midnight, everyday.
We can also refer him to 12 sessions of free counselling if that would help him to stop gambling in case that is what he’s going through.
I suggest that both of you should go and read the postings from our Chatroom/ Forum for more ideas on strategies to enable him to overcome his “gambling problem”.
Again, let him know that you’ll separate the joint account so that you’ll be free of any debts that he incurs. You must try and look after you. Your husband is an adult, and can get help and support if he’s got gambling problem.
Also, Step Change, a charitable organisation can offer you expert advice on debt management. You can contact them on: 0800 138 1111.
Meanwhile, try and stay in touch with us for emotional and personal support.
My best wishes to you, and pls. keep posting.
Beatrice
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