Have just logged onto to my partners bank account as he is staying in town at his mums tonight with our two older children while I'm at home with the baby currently ill with a nasty breast infection.I knew he was out for a few drinks so when I was up for the night feed thought I would have a quick check! £400 has been withdrawn at a casino! Gambling has been a problem for years now especially online although he hasn't done that for a couple of months used to be very bad when I was out working in the evenings. I have threatened to leave him numerous times over this and he always promises to stop, I'm not allowed to tell anyone as it's just our business according to him. He also ended up at the casino on his Xmas night out a few weeks ago and lost £300 plus a £30 this month on bingo. He hadn't been in a casino for a long time but now it seems the online has slowed and he's now back to casino gambling again! He has been known to loose thousands in a night on the odd occasion. I don't know how bad his problem is and if I'm maybe overreacting when I should be more supportive I'm just so hurt every time I save up a little bit of money he blows at least double I'm so tired and lonely having to deal with this the fact I'm ill probably is making it harder this time I just feel so let down!! X
Hi Tweety, sorry to hear about the sickness, hope it clears soon!
Gambling is his problem not yours & so how you deal with it is up to you! Us CG's are extremely manipulative but secrecy puts pressure on you when you are already hurting from the lies & deceit! We are here for you but my advice would be to tell who you want & need to, phone the helpline & if possible get to a Gamanon meeting! He is not being fair on you & he knows it but until he is ready to stop, there's very little you can do to stop him! It's a progressive illness & he'll just get more & more sneaky about how he hides it!
Only give out ultimatums you can carry through on & look after you - ODAAT
I suppose I'm also a bit scared to tell anyone else as I feel like I will have opened a box I can't then close and I want to try and protect my kids from it as much as possible if it's out in the open things could get worse! I know I shouldn't have made an ultimatum I couldn't keep but I really thought it would make him stop and think, naive I suppose! I've lost so much respect for him I probably would have left before now if I could afford it but I know I wouldn't with 3 kids on my own I'm not working at all at the moment and before the baby I was only a part time waitress so want earning much at all! He's the earner and he does have a good credit rating still and has never missed a mortgage or loan payment so it could be worse, I wonder if I maybe need to just face up to this is how it is and live with it for the sake of my children
I can understand your fear & yeah, if he is gambling during time he would not be home anyway, spending within his means & being a good Dad & partner the rest of the time then maybe you can live with it! But, this is a progressive disease & you need to know your options! If you don't want to open up to friends & family, there's nothing to stop you calling the helpline or going to a meeting! My personal feeling is, if he's being sneaky about it then, he's in trouble & if he doesn't get help, sooner or later, the kids will be affected anyway!
I imagine by the end of today you will have had a bit more input from other posters & hopefully will be feeling a little less alone!
Hi, Tweety,
Hope your infection clears v soon, painful!!!
I'm struggling with my husband's addiction now but four years ago, when I first discovered evidence of gambling, I was so ill informed and I did everything wrong. He said he'd stop, I believed him because it was easier to believe him than to address it as it should have been addressed (four kids, my parents were dead and I've no siblings). He didn't stop, it was so predictable that he wouldn't. The addict behaviour continued and four years later, I regret not fully facing it. I've done myself and the children no favours. We've stayed as a family on the surface but the fractures run deep. Their childhood has been affected, the elder ones just want to leave home ASAP.
The keys to coping now are support and accurate information for you, without these, it's almost impossible. It's all too easy with the best of intentions to bail them out, to believe their lies, to let them convince you there's no problem.
Call the GC helpline, get a babysitter and go to GanAnon meetings. But get help.
Take care of you and the children.
CW
Hi Tweety
I hate always sounding so negative but with this addiction you can't afford to not face it head on.It does nobody any good to think a few changes and we will have this all fixed... doesn't work that way, however , better the devil you know! As HL says he hasn't missed mortgage payments etc ... yet. It is such a progressive disease. I have seen my son stoop to levels I never thought possible. It's a common theme that they definitely don't think they are as bad as "those others" yet that is just a lie they tell themselves and us to keep the status quo. Same thing with not telling anybody... if there was nothing to tell why the secrecy.
If you decide to let it go and tolerate it for yours and your kids sake get control of the finances. A compulsive gambler can bankrupt a family quitely without you having a chance to put barriers up.
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