So scared

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on here and im so glad to have found you guys! Ive been feeling so alone and down recently...where to start....

My then (Fiance) finally admited he had a gambling problem after me confronting him with after me finding out he was online gambling behind my back. When we first met 4 years ago all the signs were there and i ignored them...he convinced me that its not a mugs game and he wanted to one day be a professional poker player. I should have kniwn better...ive been hurt in a previous relatiinship badly and i thought this time was different.

A very long story short after me noticing more and more all night trips to the casino playing poker and all night online playing poker (we have 2 kids under 5) leaving me sorting kids and everything else in the day i said it needed to be cured..he agreed and for 2 months i thought that was it.....
How foolish! Basically he hadnt stopped he started going to his friends house to play and asking friends to send him dollars from their accounts so he could play online while i was out of the house or asleep! He even text from his work phone to hide it.

When i grew suspicious because of his moods/body language i instinctivly checked his work ohone and all the months worth if lies were there. We had a major row after him avoiding me for 2 days...he ended up breaking his laptop in half and admitting he had a problem and went to his first GA meeting that same night off his own back....5 months on hes still (i hope) bet free.

The problem is i dong know how to go on....i love him and im proud of how hes doing in his recovery i just cant trust him. He thinks its ok to still be in contact with old friend from poker..he asks them how there games have been even!!! He says he doesnt want me to have his bank cards but i open all his post now but i havent seen a statement for tge account he uses ever come through the doorand he lIes about really pointless things ALLTHE TIME! It makes me mad...nit even lies to do with monet or gambling...i dont get it.

Im so lost...hes blew over £30k that i know if in less than 2 years....most of which was his pension!!! We r skint all the time...its depressing.

I feel like because he has now joined GA im obliged to just get on with it but tgeres not trust anymore and its eating away at me....i question everything he does.....anyone been in this spot?

Sorrry4 the huge vent!

Hi prids, I can't give you any better advice than Half-Life who is living in those shoes so I hope you don't mind me responding to anonbelle2010 on here...

anonbelle2010, don't apologise for the vent, you have nothing to apologise for! If you pick this up & can figure out the site, it would be better to start your own thread as there are plenty of loved ones here who will give you incredible advice! I just needed to say, it's time to look after you & your kids! If he is not going to be completely open (& I mean all accounts via his credit reports) & commit to recovery, he will drag you down deeper than you ever thought possible! I now understand that if he commits to GA, it may not matter what got him there in the 1st place but as a CG, I would be very suspicious of being paid lip service. You must do what is right for you, you are the victim here! Look after you - ODAAT

Thank you for taking the time to reply and offer your thoughts ODAAT its comforting to know that as a CG you can see my side of life living with a CG. Ive managed to figure out how to post a new topic now! Take care x

Hi Prids and anonbelle

You have came to the right place for information and support.

Im the Mum of a compulsive gambler and have seen all that the addiction does to our loved one and how their behaviour impacts on us.

Something Ive had to learn is to seperate the addiction from the person we love, in my case its my son and it is incredibly hard but very necessary. As Half Life said a compulsive gambler is incredibly manipulative and will lie over and over to you, I know it sounds harsh but unfortunately true.

Theres a big difference between a cg who voluntarily tells you they have a problem and wants to recover and one thats been found out, the latter is not to be trusted in any way. When found out they will tell you what they think you want to hear to hopefullly lessen the blow and to get you off their backs.

My son is still very young and I love him as much as ever but Ive had to learn that while he gambles its the addiction in control not him. Do not underestimate the lengths they will go to to protect their addiction.

People do recover if they want to badly enough, but it has to be 100% theres no half measures, total abstinence from anything, and anyone (friends who gamble) that has anything to do with gambling. Not a single lottery ticket or few pence bet at the Bookies ever again, its all the same behaviour wether its pennies or thousands. They also need to be willing to do what you ask of them, thats for financial reasons and your sanity, if they dont agree to what you ask then I wouldnt trust them, its as simple as that.

To live with a compulsive gambler it has to be on our terms every time, because unfortunatley as much as we love them we are not their priority while they gamble. Im sure they do love us but the addiction calls the shots not them and will do and say what ever they have to get their next bet, be very mindful of that at all times.

You have every right to be angry, hurt, frustrated and hundred other things and you need to protect you and your children.

Id strongly recommend you get yourself some counselling, Gamcare can arrange that free for you, it really does help, theres also Gamanon and of course we're all here 🙂

Take care

Hi as67,

Thanks so much for your advice. Ive got his permisdion to look at his credit score and hes ok with me checking his online accounts he actually said "check them, ive got nothing to hide"....hope hes right!

Hes still not agreeing to cut ties with his 2 gambler friends...even though the orange book ftom GA advises this should be done....this bothers me. Hes at his GA meeting tonight and ive asked him to ask their thoughts on him being in contact with gamblers...he seems to think ill be suprised on the groups response.

Well im still here out of love although something doesnt feel right...time will tell i suppose.

Xx

Hi anonbelle2010

Its good that your husband has agreed to somethings and is going to GA however his reluctance to do the rest is concerning.

Id say your husband can see that his gambling is having a negative impact on his life but true 100% commitment to recovery Id say not. My son is behaving exactly the same as your husband and after doing this for years I know its lip service and little more, or doing just enough to keep us off his back so to speak.

There was brief spell earlier in the year when my son desperately wanted recovery and the difference was quite dramatic to now and then. He agreed with all we asked of him with out question, went to counselling and seemed happier and dare I say even a little remorseful for what hed put us through. It didnt last and we live in hope that he gets back to that point soon.

Go with your "gut instinct" if something feels off then its off, you really have to be very cautious, a cg is very manipulative and will have you believing black is white. Theres no harm in being very cautious and if hes genuine about wanting recovery he should accept and understand that its the way it has to be for your sanity if nothing else

There is also the chance that hes showing you just enough to put you off the scent, and could have a lot more accounts and debt that you dont know about. Id be asking for credit reports from all the agencies, bank statements, saving accounts, wage slips and anywhere possible he has money, plus is his friend still helping him with money.

Theres people here that have been in exactly the same position as you and have gone on to have happy relationships again so its shows it can be done. However at the risk of repeating myself its with 100% commitent to recovery for the cg and with us doing all we can to protect ourselves from the destructive behaviours that the addiction brings

Take care