Son's gambling addiction

Hi
I was similar to your son by the sound of it. I gambled from 18 to 33, any money I could lay my hands on, be it earnings, stolen money, borrowed money, handouts from parents etc. My parents probably bailed me out around ВЈ30000 to pay off debts. In total I probably gambled around £150000. First precautions I took when stopping was to self exclude from as many online betting sites as possible, even if I didn't have an account I'd open one just so I could self exclude. I also self excluded myself from all betting shops in the town where I lived. This isn't bombproof but it does make it harder to gamble. I took all these precautionary measures when I was 33 (5 years ago) but I still look out for new online sites so I can create an account and immediately self exclude.
I'm not great at saving money and I do like spending it, but I now spend it on 4 or 5 holidays a year instead of gambling - far more enjoyable. Also since I stopped gambling my life has changed massively - met my partner, have a nice place to live (no longer a bedsit), lead a decent quality of life, decent job - I could never stick in the same job when I was gambling. I have the opportunity to gamble because I now live in an area where I'm not banned from the bookies but after 5 years of not gambling it doesn't remotely interest me, the thought of going to the bookies actually bores me. Anyway the thing that initiated my quitting was using all the self exclusion facilities available. When I was gambling I think I was convinced that I could be a pro gambler and live off it. Took 15 years to realise I couldn't. All the best to you and your son.

Hi all

I am ashamed to say that I had to bail out my son again, he borrowed money again and some thugs were threating his girlfriend and there son, she was too scared to go home for 3 days. I know I have done wrong and I know that this cycle will never end. He said he felt he wanted to commit sucide as he feels he cannot stop gambling. He went to a GA meeting last week and felt better and then was suppose to go last night but said he could not face it. He has not turn up for work for 4 days His girlfriend has said that she has had enough and wants him to leave. Can I ask a question how do I know he really wants help going forward what does he need to do to help himself. Thank you

Hi Lili

So sorry that this continues. ..It will until he has had enough.

You will know when he really wants help when he is the one who puts the time and energy to recovery NOT those around him.

I am sorry. Your situation is VERY hard and there is no easy way to get through this other than letting him face the consequences of his actions. With regards to the suicide I had to tell my son that I would call the police to have him brought to the hospital if I thought he would harm himself and I have also taken him to the ER where he ended up on the mental health ward for 4 days.

Sorry but this is just brutal. Please try and get some support for yourself through Gam Anon.

Cathyx

Thank you Cathy is your son any better ?

Hi Lillly

My son struggled with the addiction from the time he was 18 until he was 29. He also developed an alcohol addiction as time went on... he was an absolute mess!

Finally we hit rock bottom and quit "helping" him out. No more money to cover rent or work expenses. Basically no more room to hide the addiction and no where left to turn. It wasn't easy and took us way longer than I would have liked but we all get where we need to be when the time is right.

He ended up in a treatment center after many trips to the ER (self harm in the way of cutting and threats of suicide). His treatment was very 12 step oriented and he has been clean for 8 months. He goes to many meetings a week has a sponsor and more importantly is very happy.

Try and take the attention off of him and get yourself well. We become just as sick if not sicker than them trying to fix, help and keep all those balls in the air!

Please see if you can get some help/support for yourself. THIS IS HARD and you don't have to do it alone!!

Cathyx

Hi lily I'm sorry to hear that his he is so scared. You really need to get help. Stepchange 03005552222 is the number I rang to talk about loan sharks. There is also www.stoploansharks.co.uk we all understand how difficult it is but as long as you bail him out the longer it goes on. GA for him. and gamanon for you. There has to be a point where enough is enough. Enabling a gambler is the same as buying heroin for a drug addict. Stop his access to money , it's for his wellbeing.

Thank you and we have contact stepchange but he has managed to take other loans . It is such a mess and I hope I can be strong and stop the circle. Thank you for your advice it does help

Lily you have to be strong, don't pay his loans, then he can't get more. People threaten you get advice from professionals like stepchange. Stop the cycle.

Hi lilly,

One part of you initial post sticks out to me. " what does he need to do to help himself".... at the moment he doesnt need to do anything to help himself, you keep bailing him out. Sorry if I sound like a broken record but believe me you are not helping him, you are just prolonging the agony.

Please try and take the advice you have been given from the people who have been or are going through what you are.

Damo

Thank you Damo I totally agree I just find it difficult and want to believe he can change you always think it will be the last time . I hope I have the strength and pray I can be strong enough to say no.

Thank you Damo I totally agree I just find it difficult and want to believe he can change you always think it will be the last time . I hope I have the strength and pray I can be strong enough to say no.

Can I just say, its actually not your fault!! Why do you feel it is, hes old enough to have a girlfriend and get her pregnant, then hes old enough to have a bank account and a job, and yes he is suffering from this horrible addiction, but its still not your fault. Whether you was a nagging mother or not, don't like the word controling, you love him, you nagged him as mine say about me, I am the mother hen, the hen pecked kids, but its doesn't mean you have a right to be blamed.

Lovely you care enough to write and ask for advice, so bravo to you for doing that.

Its a illness, just like young girls with an eating addiction, or people turn to drugs, its a fix, from a society that depresses us in some way unknown even to ourselves, there is no blame for you or for your son, we are just wired for addiction, or a lack of understanding what truly makes us happy. This addiction like a cancer, it doesn't care if we are rich, old, poor, young, man, woman, child, it does not care, once it takes a hold of us, its not that easy to just stop.

So, from today, stop blaming yourself, and even to the point stop blaming your son.

I would recommend a book that Shaun1 told me to read.. Its by Allen Carr. The Easy Way to Stop Gambling: Take Control of Your Life.

I am day 38 of no gambling, it makes so much sense, it might actually help you to understand it, then give it your son, I do believe it will help him stop. Good Luck.

Thank you for your kind words I shall look at this book and please keep up the good work 38 days well done

Hi lily, you are clearly a lovely person just trying to do their best for their son who they love dearly.

However, I'm reminded of the phrase 'nothing changes if nothing changes '

im a compulsive gambler and continued to gamble for 25 years until the money ran out and there was nobody left who was willing to keep bailing me out. If my family had been willing to keep bailing me out, I know I'd still be gambling. Once I stopped i found ga and have been recovering with the support of the group for nearly 9 months now.

The support is out there but I needed to get to the stage that I had no other option.

Hi Lilly

Thinking of you.Hope you are well and have been able to find yourself some support.

Cathyx