Turning on the lights

Hi CW,

Just read your post to volcano, you in my eyes are doing amazing in your own recovery journey, not only are you supporting your OH but you are giving so much back of your own recovery journey to CGs on here,

No CG is on the same rollercoaster ride, try not to compare your OH with other CGs, it may make you feel negative, and it is just as important for you to not feel negative asit is for us.

Totally understand you wanting to stay in control with your OHs money, (I would be exactly the same) and it does not mean you

are not failing in your own journey at all, it means you are on guard and keeping one step ahead,

You are working so hard at this journey that is not even your doing. You inspire me, but please don't question yourself, just take one day at a time with your husband, am sure he is doing the same.

As for genetics, I think (for today) no, it's the environment that we live in that can play a part.

Much respect to you CW

Suzanne xxx

Hi CW, thanks for your post, yes it is very much one day at a time on both sides of the fence.

My OH is (I do believe) is quite comfortable with the barriers that have been in place since I confessed all, he knows that after my debts go out, I have a pittance left in my account, I still use cash, I too have read Dans last post, and for my own experience and peace of mind for my OH, I have no intention of opening my own triangle up, yes if I really wanted to gamble, that triangle could be opened up, but it gives me the time to think rationally, I know that, and so it is a very good tool for me, to keep working at my own recovery journey, and ofcourse it does give my OH peace of mind.

How is your OH doing, can you see a different person coming through,?

As for the house selling I have forgotten how stressful it can be, been here 16 years in June, and the market from when I last sold a propert has completely changed, we have had some offers but they were really cheeky ones lol, people have a lot of choice, and house browsing seems to be a new hobby for some:)))

I hope you are having a relaxing day as I am.

Suzanne xxx

Hope that one way or another, you're having a good weekend. Thanks v much for your post to me on Dan's thread (don't know where he's got to), it really made me think. I reached two conclusions: firstly that I am still a control freak who doesn't trust anyone else to sort anything else because they can't do it as well as I can, therefore I'm not in recovery yet. But whilst still abstaining and also meeting with the Therapist, my husband doesn't "get it" in the way that Duncan or Dan do, either, the penny has much further to fall.

Sorry to read that you had it so bad, nothing much to be said to make that better.

Someone told me that we don't make the same mistakes as our parents, we make different ones. Sobering.

BW,

CW

Hello CW,

Thanks for the post above.

Firstly i need to respond to your last two sentances and try and clarify. i was hoping my reappearence since the turn of the year on these diarys wasnt going to come across as woe me or in way a blame for my earlier developemant. That was the basis of the previous 3 years posting as i struggled with denial. i really couldnt of asked for more from my folks and if there is a HP, well mine was that of the Airforce and a strong old man as the conduit, ie i never was much exposed to the disfunctional extended family...

Hope that makes sense.

Now for the start of your post. Unbeknown to me i struggle with some of the clich'es (sp) of 'recovery'. so im going to refer to it as a process.

Being a control freak is a by product of addictions as we lose our self control. So i guess this is what your good self;s subconcious has been facing all these years. Its, so understandable that now you work your process that you feel the need to take back control. Its all called working it/ healing, i believe.

You are bang on in your referral to some 'getting it', with which to me is that you, yourself is eventually too falling into that category. The penny does indeed drop from varying heights and whilst you and your hubby continues working process by either the therapy/ GA/ knowlege etc, well really thats all we can do. Hence you cant push the process, you can only stick with it.

So, my humble is that you entered the process back in June, when you came to these diarys ( not a stalker, just looked at your 1st post ). I also tend to think that whilst you both remain in the process this will naturally filter down to your children. You can't halt the good and bad S****e of life, you can only learn from your mistakes and share them with your nearest and dearest.

Whilst im also on this roll, i also think maybe its time for you to enter the diary section as a progress to the process ( another form of therapy ). With the suggested name of ' Straight to the point Wife '. A quality all us addicts, wish to attain.

BW

Paul

Hi CW,

How are things? You doing ok. Hopefully both you & your husband are moving in the right direction.

Dan x

Hi, Dan,

Thanks for asking, not too bad. He still seems to have addict mindset and the Therapist has his work cut out but short term, definite improvement in behaviour and efforts are being made by both of us - I am less minded to sort everything out singlehanded.

Hope all good with you,

CW

Good on you CW for being able to step back a bit... very hard to do!! We become so hyper vigilant to all that is going on with our CG always wondering what is going on in their heads... are they lying to us?, are they where they said they are?, their mood today seems a bit "off", are they sad/cranky cuz they just gambled or is it just one of those days that we all have?

I'm glad there is "definite improvement"!

Have a great day CW

Cathyxx

Hi CW,

Thank you for your post ☺. Sorry to hear about your daughter's lack of motivation. Studies & pressure does add to how we feel and the lack of interest in other live's aspects can come to the forefront.
I am not an expert on wellbeing but from personal experience i would most definitely suggest distraction..yes, sounds simple solution but it touches on many things. Studies can swallow us up so to find a balance between them and winding down time is essential in my eyes. Not sure if you have any pets? Fresh air and walks could do her world of good! Even catching up with her friends, day out...cup of tea/coffee/milkshake 😉 ( not sure how old she is ). I truly hope she is an open person and talks to you a lot....but being a teenager herself might put that unnecessary (but understandable) distance in place...i am sure you have great relationship with her but i would highly advice to have more "mother - daughter chats"...the less time she spends in her own head the better ☺..the time of the year doesn't help either. I, for one, am highly affected by the weather. Short days, continued darkness and miserable weather doesn't do us many favours...
I get that you're strict parent, nothing wrong there :-)..i also can tell that you are putting extra vigilant eye on your loved ones knowing the circumstances with your husband. Trust is very important, and just maybe she was affected by all this and holding too much in? :-/..as i said, ..honesty, openness, balance between studies and life and distraction from closing down is the things you/she needs to concentrate on.
Easy for me to say...i know..but if not talking to my friends and doing something this weekend so my focus is taken away from work/family issues...i wouldn't be in the place i am now..
..and I'm not even talking about sitting in Mc D's by myself surrounded by people and feeling calm for the change lol..i am not sociable person at all, ..but i also need to learn how to interact with 3D life more and get out of my own head where i usually end up hitting the wall...

That's my thoughts and sorry if wasn't much help. Her knowing you're here for her matters the most. Remember that she is in recovery also as all of your family and to juggle it all is not the easiest task in this world.

One step at a time for all of you ☺

Wish you well

Sandra x

Hi CW

I am following on from your post on HB thread and you said I could reply to you.

I wanted to say that I understand what you said with regards to myself making the choices to gamble and not my OH or mother making me do so. However I have never blamed them all I have done is lie and cheat and been at the point of suicide due to my actions, thinking that my family would be much better without me as I was just dragging them down.

Following extensive counselling I am now a stronger person and working really hard to be gf (37 days now).

I was merely trying to give an opinion from a CG who has lied, cheated and doesn't feel that I deserve the life I have today. I apologise if I offended anybody.

Hi, Tilly,

Sorry to hear that you've had a bad time of it, the help you need is out there but only you can take it, follow it and use it.

I do take a dim view of the lying and cheating, being on the receiving end is devastating, but it's part of the addiction, so it does go back to you getting the help you need to overcome it...

Can't you tell him? Point him in this direction or towards GamAnon for help and support for him? I can understand the head in the sand, I did it and with 20:20 hindsight it was a mistake, I enabled.

Wish you well,

CW

Hi CW,

Thank you for your post and advice. I truly don't deserve your worries and care so please don't worry about me ok ☺..you have the whole plate of issues you have to deal with day in day out, and i hope you and yours are getting there.

re AA. I do know the background of it. I went to one meeting which obvs wasn't enough but i failed to stick to it and 12 steps. Sobriety is amazing opportunity to live new life. I know what alcohol can do to souls, i witnessed the destruction it causes....but the same as gambling, i keep holding on on that crutch. The "want" and dedication comes from within! I seem to lack it recently, maybe i need a good jolt bk to make my decision and stick to it..not sure what it takes to start turning things around when "poison" was featuring in my life for the biggest part of my adult life. It's not easy, but it is possible.

Hope you are getting more peace back, your girl is feeling better and finding the balance between studies and free time and your husband is working hard to get that piece of trust back from you daily..
Best wishes

Take care

Sandra x

Hi CW , I hope this is the right thread to respond on as there seemed quite a few to choose from .

Firstly , thank you for your post , I was suprised to receive it but pleasantly I might add .

I really don't have any sort of problem with any route that anyone chooses to go down as far as recovery is concerned , provided we all get to where we want to be, which ultimately is a gamble free life ,then why would I ? .

What's been going on of late on here is more about acceptance of each others choices , there are many here who follow GA and the twelve steps and very successfully I might add , it works , has a proven track record and has stood the test of time but there are also a growing number of people on here myself included who do not wish or feel they need to go down that particular recovery avenue and who prefer a more shall we say softer approach to there individual recovery to which they are equally entitled to do .

I can't speak for others but my feeling is that I have felt for many months as though I'm the odd one out , how could I possibly achieve a gamble free life and maintain that life by just willpower , determination and a mindset of I just never want to gamble again and when I hear the tut, tut of disapproval coming from higher ranks and subtle digs at me and others who prefer this approach , I get really hacked off and respond accordingly with a reply and apparently I'm then told it's because I'm the proud owner of a bitter twisted way of thinking addicts mind , nobody will accept that actually I might just be ok doing what I'm doing and it may just work for me and wish me well , instead they use phrases picked up along the way to turn it back on me being an addict in denial .

Everyones journey is different , you have have suffered in your own way , just as I have suffered in another , I didn't do to my family what you husband did to your's and I mean no disrespect in that comment , I gambled quite happily all my life until a point about 2 years ago when I realised I couldnt control what I was spending on Fobt machines in the bookies , until that point it was controlable but it took me two years to realise and finally do something about it , which I have now addressed and stopped . I'm not in anyway in denial about what happened or what I did , I've held my hands up to my family , accepted responsability for my actions and moved on , it will not happen again but I do not need to follow 12 steps to ensure that it doesn't , I don't wallow in self pity simply because it was my own doing , my own choice and I don't need to keep looking back and reflecting , I will always remember the day I considered taking my own life because of the desperate way I felt , that sort of feeling will never leave and is my constant companion !.

I think that what all of us on the non GA side of the fence are saying is, let us get on with what we feel is best for us and see how it turns out , if it goes belly up then we try again or something different , don't force GA or other recovery methods down our throat , were all adults and can decide for ourselves the recovery method that best suits us .

When I've had arguments with people on here its only ever been in response to a verbal attack , I don't like being that way but if it happens again I wouldn't hesitate to defend myself , the way forward is for mutual respect and what goes around comes around and we should all live and let live !.

As for the humour and all the High fiving well , you might be be a grumpy 45 year old woman but I'm a 54 year old very happy bloke , whos just got his life back after a few miserable years , I high 5 my 21 year old son still now just as I did supporting him at school , college and university Rugby games , its just the way it is for us , I love an immature giggle simply because I'm still 21 in my head , hence all the jokes , some good and some really bad ones , if that humour or style offends, sorry tough s***t its staying.

I'm not here to fall out with anyone , I'm here to aid my recovery and thats it , I hate confrontation but when the need arises I'll meet it head on every time , I'm also clever enough to know when I need to apologise over things , which I feel I have particularly to Dan and Louis and Sandra , not for my views but for not being mindfull or respectfull of theres !.

We can all live together on here and dont need to compete with one another as to whos got the best recovery stats , we just need to consider every option and pass all of those options on to new posters and let them choose the one they feel is best suited to there recovery , which may not always be the one we may have chosen !.

It's always good to talk with you , and I have great respect for the way your honest with people , occasionally I do screw my eyes up and squeel wooooh through pursed lips though ! LOL !

Anyway theres a big High 5 waiting for you anytime you want one , you 45 yr old grump !

Regards Alan

I possibly achieve a gamble free life and maintain that life by just willpower , determination and a mindset

I totally agree with this ... especially the mindset. I think it is a collection of things and we all must apply different weightings on things that will help us.

Thanks CW as always:)) you and reading Duncs last post has calmed me down lol, mind you my voddy and orange is obviously helping a little :)))

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi CW,

Thank you for your posts and kind words. Very happy to hear all is working out well with your husband. When you say you nearly recognise the man you married, it brings so much joy to my heart. Recovery is possible..commitment is necessary, to get priorities right is essential, to share love and honesty is a must! ☺..i truly hope the road ahead is more clearer and you both can march on undistracted.
Lovely to hear about your daughter. My best saying at work when being pushed to the limits and unachievable targets expected from me is - " i will do my best, that's all i can do". That somehow takes pressure off me and gives me more determination to actually exceed the deadlines ☺..not always but still helps. She is bright young lady, she will achieve a lot in life, education is very important...i wish i listened to my Dad on those times when he nagged me to sit at the books that extra hour :-/...now i know how important good grades/ education is..it is simply our future .

Ok rambling on now. Sorry if my posts stressed you out yesterday..i can be like ticking bomb...have no regrets tho..i know my self respect was trashed but it was my choice to put some dirt on my name. I will rise again ☺

Look after yourself & i shall do the same

S x

Hi CW , as always not sure if this is the right thread to post on ( there seems so many ) ? but just wanted to say a big thank you for you kind words , as always it's a pleasure seeing you keep us all on our toes and recieving the view from the other side :)) Not sure that everyone feels that way but I'm sure you wont worry too much about that , as CG's we not always receptive to the truth :(( .

Best Wishes Alan