Hi everyone,
I am new on here and have a bit of a story to tell - it almost feels like a trilogy. My 25 year old son started with alcohol addiction, which then turned to drugs, and he has now topped it off with gambling. He came to me for help a few weeks ago as he had received a Court notification that the housing association he rents from was going to evict him today 15.05.17. He works, and so when I asked him how he had got into this situation he provided various logical reasons - he couldn't manage money properly, he had been working away from home and it had cost him more to live, money had been taken out of his bank account which he had reported as fraud - all of which I have found out today were lies.
I paid his rent arrears to stop the eviction £3700.00.
I paid his Council Tax Arrears of £670.00 as an application was made to Court for a committal hearing (to send him to prison)
I agreed to help in this way on the understanding that I had complete control of his finances, and his wages are paid into an account in my name, from which I will pay his bills - what I percieved to be a simple problem has turned out to be a much bigger monster than I thought.
I picked up a carrier bag from him last night, filled with unopened envelopes - he owes British Gas £4050, Water usage and sewage £1000, Further council tax payments outstanding of £250, along with 12 letters from debt collecting agencies - the content of which I have not yet looked at. What he did not know was that his bank statements were also in amongst the unopened letters - he has been gambling online, sometimes 5 or 6 entries per day.
I was shocked, horrified, angry, felt mugged and then got my head around what I needed to do.
I phoned ****** and asked if they considered themselves to be responsible in what service they offered? They replied that they were very serious and committed to responsible gambling. I then explained that my son had laid bets with them on numerous occasions within each day and he had not paid his rent or any of his household bills - I have just cleared them to stop eviction and imprisonment. The guy I spoke to was very helpful and suspended the account (my son doesn't know that I have done this)
I am thinking of various ways to stop him from having access to money and have a few ideas which I have not fully explored yet. Gambling, from what I read is classed as an illness. I am going to approach my sons bank (Barclays) and ask them why they did not suspect the numerous daily transactions to online gambling sites as being a problem?
I am going to write to the Credit Agencies - Experian and Equifax and provide an account (along with documentary evidence) to show that my son should not be allowed credit from payday loans (his credit file is scuppered anyway with various CCJ's) and I will ask for a statement to be linked to his account. I feel that I will approach his GP in relation to obtaining support from the GP - my angle on this is a vulnerable adult - the definition of which is someone who is not capable of taking care of themselves - I will argue the point on this.
I am contacting all of the online gaming providers that I can muster details for - again, to question whether they consider themselves to be responsible in the service they provide?
Has anyone got any other ideas as to what I can do?
I have text my son this evening saying "I need to talk to you about your gambling"
I am not surprised to report that he has not responded, and as he doesn't know that I have his bank statements, no doubt he is manufacturing another series of lies before calling me. Thankfully he has given up the booze and drugs, so I am preparing for this next battle - if anyone has any suggestions of help it would be much appreciated.
Thank you
I posted this last night on a different thread but the Administrator has suggested that I start my own topic on the friends and family section. The update from yesterday's text was the reply - "nope we don't"
Has anyone been in this situation or have any suggestions as to what to reply?
Hi KarenH.
The reply in a tactful way is yes we do (because it can not be ignored)
I admire you for helping and would advise that you build this up in stages from the foundations. Its critical that you are not throwing good money after bad and your son needs to be seeking more help. If he really wants to stop he should be feeling a sense of relief. If he is railing against you that is a worrying sign.
He will be confused and suffering from an addiction.I didnt want to hurt my parents but I sure wasted their money on gambling. The addiction is an illness and it controls the mind.
My worry here is that although you are doing the right things, If you try and do too much too fast, it will make you ill. You wont be able to take on the gambling industry and banks overnight so step by step is the way to go as you gain more strength. If he is in the grip of a full blown addiction you will get little thanks until he is ready to heal.
Control of his finances is a major step forward but its not everything if he is not ready to stop gambling and seek help.
You need to protect yourself because an active gambler will take a £10,000 bailout for example and then gamble more.
Im not saying your son is a bad person but part of the help is that he sees that not paying his way in life has consequences. The addiction shreds relationships and runs up debts as if they were nothing. I would not advise you to keep paying debts until you have a plan of action for recovery. Even then payment plans rather than full bailouts are the way to go for now.
Main point is that he needs to keep his job or benefit payments so he needs to be stable enough to keep an income
You will learn about the addiction and realise there is a lot of help for you.
You will also realise that bothe of you can only pay what you can afford and contacting these companies with news of an out of control situation would be beneficial. they simply want to hear something about the debt.
What you are doing is brilliant but you may need counselling over this so consider your own health of mind. Your son needs to be open honest and ready to make the addiction history. You will not be able to sort everything until he is ready. I know you wont abandon him though as he desperately needs help
You will get lots of helpful advice here and I do recommend phoning gamcare for that one to one voice
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
An active gambler will always find a way to gamble if they wish to.
Though it's obvious you have the best intentions at heart, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
Personally I don't think contacting the betting companies will do any good. They won't really care & bets that cause issues for 1 person won't be an issue for another.
What's he himself doing about the gambling issue?
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
My son is 28 and has been a compulsive gambler for 10 years. The only way this becomes manageable is when he comes to you for support (not $$). Until then you will be shadow boxing.
I am sorry ... wish the news was better.
Cathyx
Hi again Karen, I've tried to quote your response from the other thread here but I wasn't born with an iPhone attached to each hand & so it's way beyond my capabilities. Not sure why admin didn't just move your other post across but it makes more sense for me to respond here...
It may feel like you're the only person he has in the world but just because you're the only family member, doesn't mean he can't have a support network!
Equally, if you're all he has, I'm guessing it's the same the other way too which makes getting support for you even more important!
Tough love is hard but it's the only way you can help because bailing him out stops him feeling the consequences of his actions. I do understand how difficult it is to not jump in, my mum is a compulsive gambler too & I have tried everything but I can't see her on the streets. Problem is she's had so many 'last chances' that she stopped believing I would disown her & now has my niece & nephew living with her (my sister passed away several years ago) so is pretty untouchable. My minimum standards are a standing order into my account to pay her bills. Over the years I have fully managed her money either with her cards (she ordered new ones) or a standing order for her wages coming into my account (cancelled), partly managed it (excess money coming to me that she literally harassed me for) & now this. She knows that having the kids there I will find a way to pay the bills but me toughening up & carrying through with ultimatums has stopped her testing the boundaries. Our relationship is incredibly strained, I am still very angry that she happily told me how I was much worse than she was & yet never once encouraged me to get help but I'm starting to understand her need to justify her addiction.
I too wish I had better news & hopefully he will have time to process your offer to talk & see that he needs you but it really is time to take care of you - ODAAT
Hi
You sound like you're running yourself ragged firefighting for him. All the time you do this he will let you and be right back at it lying to your face until he wants to stop for himself. If he's determined to gamble he will whatever barriers there are in place although a notice of correction on each agency's credit file should help dry up that particular source of funds. He will need to sign them though.
Best advice is to protect yourself financially, put your own interests and sanity first and let him make the connection between his actions and their consequences. A gambling addict won't stop until the pain of continuing is more than the pain of stopping.
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