Ok so I have been with my bf for 3 and a half months. He was honest from the very beginning about his problem gambling and depression. He didn't gamble for the first 6 weeks we were together and attended GA for about 4 weeks. Everything was going fine and then a relative of his passed away. It was a very emotional time. I attended the funeral with him and was emotionally very supportive. I did everything I felt I could. He stopped attending GA and a couple of weeks later started gambling again. He has never lied to me when he has gambled and promises me he is in no debt and doesn't borrow money. His problem seems to be the roulettes and fruit machines. He just doesn't stop until all of the cash in his pockets is gone. My problem is that as soon as he has gambled he gets extremely depressed. He wont talk to me at all. He wont call or text me for days on end. I am desperately trying to understand what he is going through and be supportive but that's really difficult when I just get ignored. He tells me he loves me and that he wants us to have a long term future but how can that happen when he wont even talk to me and I constantly feel like I am doing something wrong. I want to be supportive and have offered to go to GA with him but he hasn't replied. What more can I do and how long can I do this for? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Lonely1983, welcome to the Forum,
I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago, so my opinion comes from that perspective.
It is very common for compulsive gamblers to shut themselves away when they are suffering; the regret, shame and lack of self-worth makes it very difficult to face people; it can consume you.
There is only so much you do my friend - you can be there for him, you can offer support and help, you can go to GA with him as you said, but it must come from him. Don't blame yourself and try not to let it affect you my friend, even though that is probably quite difficult - you are doing nothing wrong and I find it admirable you are trying to help, even though you are in the very early stages of your relationship.
Try to get him to open up as much as you can, and then try and plan a way forward - he is honest and he doesn't borrow, which is encouraging; what he needs to do is work with you and not shut himself away.
It is a big committment to want a relationship with someone who has these problems; what I would say is that you need to see progress, and you need to ensure that he continues to receive help and not let any kind of emotional trauma, no matter how hard, push him towards gambling again. If there isn't any progress, then you need to think about yourself and your wellbeing my friend; i'm sure he is a good person without gambling in his life but you can't get to a situation where you are going round in circles and effectively making you a victim as well.
JamesP
Hi JamesP. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. Basically everything you have said I already know. I just needed to hear it from someone else!
I feel like I am doing everything I can so it is just a matter of time and patience to see if he really wants to beat this or if its all talk.
I have told him that we need to talk about this and I do plan to but I have to wait until he is out of the latest depressive cycle. This has only happened twice since we have been together but I think him not talking to me makes it hard. I don't understand how he is feeling or how he wants me to react/ what support I can give him if he wont open up and tell me!
I knew about the gambling and depression before we even got together (although I didn't really understand what it meant) so it would be unfair of me o just give up on him because of this. Also emotionally I have invested a lot in him already!
You are very welcome Lonely1983, no trouble at all my friend,
I admire your positive and proactive stance, and you are doing the right thing by giving him space at the moment, even though you want to be around him.
This is a very isolating afflcition; I remember watching a documentary many years ago about a Father who lost his home and family because of gambling; I remember thinking how selfish he was, but now I know different - I know what he was going through as well as them.
This is why things like GA and this Forum are so very important; people understand and appreciate what you are going through - you have a good heart, and you are a good person, but at the moment, he doesn't feel he can share this with you; he feels shame, as I did, but I found that it was too heavy a burden to carry on one persons' shoulders.
I am sure he will open up to you more in time my friend - take it slowly, but keep gently pushing away and I am sure he will in time.
JamesP
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