When is enough really enough?

Dear fu1oyks6pz, 

I am sorry to hear about your recent experiences with your partner's gambling, it sounds like a very tough situation for you.

If you would like further support with what is currently going on for yourself please get in touch – our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and our 1:1 Livechat are both open 24 hours every day. 

Kind Regards,

Veronica

Forum Admin

If she earns decent money and can’t help at least go halves on bills then get her to help herself by doing the hard decision. I truly feel for you being given a hard time for £30 spent at hobbycraft, being a compulsive gambler myself it has affected my relationship spending in the past but I have made up for that by helping my partner and financially not being a d*ck with money even in my recovery. I created a savings treat fund for my partner and ask her when she wants to use it. Better that than blowing it away imo.

its a hard choice but trying to get her to help herself by going to GA would do her wonders. Just remember it’s a life long battle that needs attention every week either on here with gamcare or GA meetings 

I hope this helps and good luck 

dave101

Hello. I can only imagine that shattered feeling but it is a long road to recovery looking forward to a better relationship in the future is the key for both of you 

Only full accountability from your partners side will work going through each in depth step along the way and getting to do things you both enjoy together 

Hi, I’m on my way to work so I don’t really have time to give a lengthy reply. The way to handle this is to get help for yourself. In my experience, The only way to gambler will stop is if they give up all access to money. there are very few Gamanon meetings now, but there’s definitely online meetings if you go to the Gamanon website. Helping a gambler pay bills and life expenses is enabling them. You can’t force someone to go to meetings.

Mypay bills and life expenses is enabling them. You can’t force someone to go to meetings.

My personal opinion is you need to concentrate on yourself get enough help for you and change what you’re doing.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, it helps to know I am not alone in this. 

I don't want her to be alone, I don't want her to have to face this herself but after all the years of sacrifices, pleading and learning as much about the addiction as I can to help I just don't think I m going be met halfway. All I care about now is her safety and happiness - I am worried that I am the problem with my poor health, plus we have had a lot of stress as my best friend is dying and my elderly parents are divorcing. Would she be better without me?

@fu1oyks6pz okay,  stop right there. This is NOT your fault! I used to come up with all the reasons I could that meant my partners gambling was because of something I'd done, or relationship stress etc... they're excuses!! And the gambler knows that, they know they can play the sympathy card at any given moment.  It is NOT you,  your parents or anyone else. Responsibility lies solely with the one making the choice to lie and waste money. 

My partner has just started again, lied about wages, about a new credit card etc. All I've done is support him, raise our kids, work part time, look after him and the house.... he has absolutely no excuse this time, other than he simply wanted to do it. 

Please do not let the guilt or the thought I'd them being upset stop you dealing with this outright.  I was always so worried about upsetting my partner that I was too worried to question him about it. That was a big mistake.  

@fu1oyks6pz this has really hit home.

I’m a compulsive gambler and almost 2 years ago my husband found out about my gambling. But I wasn’t completely honest and he didn’t take over the finances at the time, so of course, it was too easy for me to go back to it.

Fast forward to now, and 6 weeks ago it all came out again along with a huge debt! 

I literally hit rock bottom and I’m more determined now than ever! My husband knows absolutely everything now, I’ve removed myself from the joint account and only have access to cash. Your partner has got to want to stop and makes changes. Every night for so long I said to myself I wouldn’t do it anymore, but it doesn’t work that way. 

Look after yourself in the meantime, and if you can, be there for her. It’s a terrible illness and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. 

I’m so lucky to have him and to forgive me twice! And also most of the debt is in his name, so I really have ruined his life, in more ways than one. 

I really hope she can admit to herself soon she has a problem and gets help. 

Take care x

@fu1oyks6pz I was also the same with my husband, went mad when he would spend money, yet I was wasting hundreds and hundreds every day for years! I was horrible to him, but it wasn’t me, it was the gambling demons, it makes you a terrible person, and it got so easy to lie.

I have never blamed or shamed her - even when I was at a point that I couldn't feed myself, or was supergluing shoes together because I couldn't afford new ones - so I am struggling to understand why she couldn't tell me. Never even raised my voice because i knew i would never fully understand what she is going through. She lies so easily and I just don't get it. Still sitting in the car park at work because I am terrified to go home in case this is the end. Wouldn't wish her illness on anyone, but I have no idea what to do now. 

I am so sorry, I know this is just rambling consciousness now. I really appreciate all the replies, can't believe how strong you all are x

@fu1oyks6pz my husband was the same! Has never blamed me, never shouted at me 2 years ago when I first told him. He still says now ‘Why couldn’t you just talk to me, I’m your husband.’ It should be a simple thing but it was the hardest thing for me. So many times I wanted to tell him that I had relapsed and more in debt, but I just couldn’t do it. Why??! I really don’t know, just couldn’t get the words out. If I could turn back time, I’d be there quicker than the speed of light.

You’ve got to protect yourself though and your finances! I took out a huge amount of debt in my husband’s name and he didn’t know. 

Don’t blame yourself for this though, my husband has done and it’s not his fault, not entirely anyway. Maybe things in our marriage was a factor, but so was another 1001 things factors and why my life took this route. 

I’m on day 47 gamble free today, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m so determined this time. I’m not going to let the gambling demons take anymore from me. 

@cpparch Congratulations on 47 days! I don't know you, but I am so proud of you. You speak so freely and I am glad you have such a supportive partner - you deserve it x

Wish more than anything that she would speak to me, but she is just avoiding me. She had told me she wanted money in her own account to save for our future. She told me she was buying a ring. Never felt so stupid in my life. Knew fine well what she was doing, just chose to bury my head in the sand.

@fu1oyks6pz I kept so much to myself, I lied everyday, and the weight on my shoulders got heavier and heavier. I felt so ill everyday. I would imagine she is feeling the same. 
Of course I wished I had talked sooner, because it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I through it was. She is putting her guards up, maybe she thinks this time it will be worse? She is thinking the worse?? I did exactly that. 

All you can do is say to her ‘when she is ready to talk, you’ll be there’ 

Really hope she does soon, for both your sakes! 

@cpparch when you were in her position - what would have helped you? What can I do for her? I don't know if I can continue with this relationship because of the lack of trust but I can't just leave her high and dry. She moved to live with me and no idea where she would go otherwise.

@fu1oyks6pz that’s a hard one! Because gambling makes you a different person, you’re in denial, and although my husband knew something was going on, I got so defensive, and angry towards him. He tried so many times, constantly asked me to talk to him, but I couldn’t, it just wouldn’t come out. Then more lies would come out, as that was easier. 

No-one would blame you for ending the relationship, and perhaps that may make her realise? Realise she has a problem and it’s not going away until she gets help?  Perhaps if my husband had walked away, I would have got help sooner, but it could also go the other way and drive her more in to the gambling. 

My husband couldn’t help me in anyway until I admitted I had a problem. I know that now, but I am very grateful he didn’t walk away. 

Protect yourself and your money for now, and if you feel you can stay in the relationship, just keeping telling her you’ll be here to listen, when she is ready with no judgment.