My husband of 2 years is a compulsive gambler. We've been together 7 years and have a 4 year old. Over the 7 years there have been several occasions where I have discovered money has been blown from our account, which goes hand in hand with a drinking binge. At the start it didn't seem to be a massive issue, just something to fix and then try and continue with life, but things have got progressively worse. A few weeks before we got married things hit rock bottom where he went on a huge binge, drunk drove to a casino, where the gambling continued and he found himself passed out in the car with one shoe. I still decided to marry him - I thought I could fix it. Precisely a year ago, my world came crashing down when again he went on a huge binge and spent hundreds of pounds. I threw him out, my happy view of our family life was shattered and my heart broken. I took him back, took full control of the finances, to ensure he could no longer spend from the joint account so that I knew all the bills would always be paid. He went to a GA meeting and counselling - he didn't go back to either but it had all seemed to scare him enough into changing his lifestyle.
Last week, one year on, I discovered again he had been online gambling. A series of events led me to snoop on him and find the evidence I didn't want to see. Long story short, when I asked him about it I found out not only had he been gambling but had racked up debt of £10k.
So now I have no idea what to do. The money, in a way, is the least of my worries - it can be sorted. The constant lies and deceit, I don't know if I can deal with that? I have no idea what to do. I want to support him and I know he wants to really try this time but in order to succeed he will literally have to change his entire life, everything. He's 40 and has lived this way for so long, I don't think he will physically manage it. I want him to face consequences for his actions but I don't want to rip our family apart - at the same time, I will never trust him and I don't know if I'm prepared to give up my entire life hoping he'll do alright.
I do love him, but I don't know if love is enough. Any advice will be so greatly appreciated. I can't do this alone!
Hi 90's girl, welcome to the forum!
Your first priority here is getting help for you so that you can be the best mother you can be to your little boy! GamCare offers counselling for friends & family & if there is a GamAnon meeting near you, it is probably well worth your while attending!
If he really does want to change & isn't just paying you lip service like he did last time, you will need to lay down some strong ground rules that work for you! There are plenty of us on here with decades of gambling under our belt (to my eternal shame, I have almost 3) that have found recovery 'later in life'. It is a lifestyle choice that your husband will have to make & whilst you can limit his access to money & keep a much closer eye on him by monitoring his (& your own) credit reports now you have seen how insidious the disease is, you can't make him stop 🙁
Half-life has found the balance with her husband & Cynical Wife is getting there but they will never trust their partners with money again! You have to decide what you are prepared to put up with & stick to it. Love (& my now husband taking over my finances) was enough for me but I wanted recovery. As you have discovered us compulsive gamblers are sneaky & manipulative...He may mean everything he says about wanting help when he is found out, or unable to gamble but actions speak louder than words & they are the only things you should trust at the moment!
I'm sorry if this all sounds a bit doom & gloom 🙁 Thing is, you don't need to make any rash decisions, you have found the site now & hopefully won't feel quite so alone realising there are plenty of others in your shoes (sadly).
Keep strong & look after yourself - ODAAT
Hi,
Nightmare, isn't it?
Unchecked, as you are finding, the gambling addiction gets worse, the amounts get larger, the normal inhibitions to maintain decent behaviour disappear and honesty goes out of the window. There is an immaturity and selfishness about active addiction, the refusal to take responsibility, the remoteness, refusal to engage, projecting blame onto you, addict behaviour becomes impossible to live with. Unchecked, the only way is down.
Start by protecting yourself financially. Do not leave money in the joint account for him to gamble with, set up accounts in your name, transfer income into those accounts and use the money for normal outgoings. I drip feed my husband cash as required for day to day expenses, he cooperates, no money no gamble. Have family assets in your name, you may need to take legal advice if you own your home jointly subject to mortgage. For your joint account, write to the bank telling them of his problem and say that you don't authorise future gambling transactions or related loan payments.
The other important measure is to obtain the £2 statutory credit reports from all three credit reference agencies, in your name and his. You will need his cooperation, beware if you don't get it. This will tell you the true state of the debts, don't rely on what he tells you.
At the end of the day, it's about what you're prepared to tolerate. For me, my husband doesn't have to stay married to me and in the family home but if he wants to, then no gambling, I have financial control and he attends meetings and therapy. As do I. I don't want to be his mother and after twenty years of disfunction, we're trying to rebuild. It's a slow and painful process.
Look after yourself, do what you need to do and don't be put off buy his attempts to manipulate you. I find Gam Anon worth the time and effort.
CW
Thanks both for your comments, it's helpful to hear off people in a similar situation or with more understanding than me.
I am very strong and independent and have taken control of many of the things suggested above. I like to think I have my head screwed on and can deal with the practicalities but it's the emotional side of things I'm struggling with. The first few times I was devastated, heartbroken, full of emotion but as time has gone on, I've found myself much less emotional about the events, which is what's really bothering me. I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to tolerate. Without sounding like a massive big head or a selfish idiot, I'm not bad looking, I'm fun and outgoing and I'm 13 years younger than my husband - in my opinion he's pretty lucky to have me and I feel that if this is the way he repays me for it then what am I doing?! He has lived his life, I've barely started mine but chose to settle down, buy a home, get married and have a child and to have a 'normal' life - only to be thanked with this?
I feel like I should care more, like I used to, but I feel like he's broken me and I don't know if it can ever be repaired. I too don't want to be a mother to him and don't feel that I should have to - if anyone should be a bit immature and unreliable surely it should be me (not that I want to!) I wonder if he really loves me at all...then what it comes back to is I've made my bed so maybe I should just lie in it...
Hi, again,
I found it really helpful to read up about addiction. There's a lot of info on the forum and the behaviour described is repeated over and over, also GamAnon have very useful literature. There's something vindicating about realising that you're not going mad, you're not misjudging him, being unreasonable and spoiling his fun, begrudging his hobby, in fact, he's doing is what active addicts do. Lying, blaming and manipulating being at the top of the list. Addict denials or rationalisations can be very seductive, there is a superficial logic, you don't always realise at first that you're being had. Much better to be able to recognise what you're dealing with.
I would be wary about your husband incurring debt behind your back. If your house is in joint names, you don't want to be at the mercy of his creditors. It's no good believing his reassurances or otherwise relying on him.
re emotional side of it: We've had fifteen to twenty years of increasing dysfunction, his mood swings, being loving and suddenly not, his increasing remoteness, me walking on eggshells and never being quite sure what I was doing wrong...I can't go back to that. The debt was mainly internal, I unwittingly gave him far too much benefit from my inheritance and he also cleared out the children's bank accounts behind my back. So the trust has gone. Even when he stopped gambling, with the aid of GA and high barriers, he went through a long phase of dry addiction, where he wasn't gambling but the eggshells were worse. Again, it took another ultimatum to insist that we get therapy to change the mindset. We are trying to rebuild our marriage but it needs his genuine recovery to if it's to work ie. not gambling plus soul searching / changes to his mindset and addict behaviour. I need to get over the damage. It's starting to show signs of just possibly being possible after several months and the two ultimatums, because he's really making a huge effort. He now sees a Therapist, so do I, but it's hard and painful work. And yes, he's lucky to have me, even if we're both the same age and neither of us eligible to go into modelling.
I would advise you to get all the help and support you need to make the right decisions for you. You certainly don't have to stay if you don't want to. There are no prizes for being a martyr. For me, I stayed on the basis that the gambling stops and recovery for both of us continues.
Hope this helps,
CW
Hello,
Just to let you know the damage living on your wits can give you. I now have an endocrine condition which was caused by living at high levels of adrenlin ( is he lying, waking in egg shells something's wrong instinct crying out but ignoring it) is very damaging for you and your children. Don't think they don't pick up on it, sensitive little souls are learning life lessons from you and Daddy. So much evidence to say how damaging it is for children to grow to in a household with addiction. Even if it is under control - it never is really. Always waiting for an opportunity to strike.
Please read other stories and get a good long look at how broken the supported are, and how the gamblers just continue no thought to others except afterwards once money's run out or they've lost.
You choose your life, your children don't it's inflicted on them.
Unless you take serious action your home is in danger. Your childrens growth into adulthood is in danger and you are in danger of wasting your life on someone who had a pathological desire to destroy your household.
My advise, as someone who's lost everything, put the strong strong boundaries in place, no give on your part, you need to protect your home and future, then watch him throw the massive toddler tantrum and then realise what a huge selfish pathological liar you've got on your hands.
...........and get out!
You have still a chance of a happy " normal" life.
Go to gam anon listen to stories heard the pain, learn that it's because you are strong and capable that he choose you, they need a fixer. An enabler. You are nothing to him! I promise you, between gambling and you gambling wins every time.
No sorrys from me that it's been doom and gloom advice. It's a doom and gloom life you're choosing. And it's your choice to stay!
It will destroy you to put in hard work and have it undone by " one little gamble" each time and time again.
Share your thoughts here. But watch and really pay attention we are all in the same boat and that's comforting, but we all possess the oars and the control to steer ourselves out of danger but we continue to support these people who are drilling f@@king holes in our boats as fast as we are plugging them.
Lies, deceit, money worries, arguing, life is tough enough, you could have a much simpler life!
....... Sending you my love, I've been where you are. I don't understand fully how it is for you to feel the shame the horrid realisation of another lie after another lie, but for me it was life shattering, if I could share and help through my pain I've made my suffering turn from poison into medicine for someone else, but I will NEVER recover, don't let this happen to you. X
My goodness this is like reading my life!
Hello there!
I too am in your shoes. My husband is a gambler, for 20 years. We have been together 8, married for 3. We have 2 children together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is autistic. My husband is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. It takes a lot to recognise that this is what it is, and it's even harder to admit it....but sad fact is, that's what this has become for us. He would never be physically violent, ever. But words, nastiness, threats, mood swings, living on eggshells....all abuse. Long story short, 2 weeks ago I woke up one morning and decided I just couldn't live this way any more. I went to my eldest child's school and confessed to them all that had been going on. I made no allegations against him, I just told them that I couldn't go on pretending this is ok, normal and covering it all up anymore. I left him and went into emergency accommodation with my three kids. It was hell on earth and not an experience I wish to repeat again in a hurry! But I did it! Then, like an idiot, as my conscience kicked in, we talked. I let him see his kids. We talked some more and he said all the usual promises and has even started counselling....he was ashamed and embarrassed that he had treated me this way and loved me so much....please would I give him the chance to prove to me he can put it all right and show me the love he feels for me.....he had to salvage his marriage....
We are now 2 weeks down the line and all that seems to have gone out of the window, except for the control over his gambling which he seems to be managing so far. We have argued again, I've cried in the shower and am fearful after threats of him fighting for custody and him telling me that if I do tell him it's over, I and my eldest child (who isn't his) should leave the family home and he and our 2 children stay where they are. Why should he leave and miss out on his kids growing up? If I'm the one ending it it should be me and my kid that goes not him. I feel like a fool. Sucked in again. Now I fear I have no where to turn to as I've allowed him to come home so soon.
Please stay strong. Look after yourself and your little one. Believe nothing that comes out of his mouth. Gamblers are lying, manipulative, bullying, deceitful and a million and one other things. They will tell you what you want to hear to continue their ways. I have found this out the hard way. Good luck and if you'd like to be intouch, I'd welcome the chat too.
Take care and all the best , S&l80 xx
This too is my story. They have no idea of the harm they cause us, the lies, the deceit are far worse than losing money , as if that were not bad enough.
Mine won't admit he has a problem. I can't bring myself to be loving towards him at the moment. I found his bank statements by accident and was totally shocked at the amounts of money he has lost, luckily he cannot access mine. Fingers crossed
It's heartbreaking what gambling does to partners, wish mine could accept it. Mentioning it only leads to huge arguments where I come worse off, always.
Yep, this rings true for me too. The straw that broke the camel's back came last week for me: enough chances, enough throwing back in my face everything I have done, enough, enough, enough!! I have told my husband that we need to separate and are going to seek professional and legal advice to do so with the minimum effect on my beautiful children who deserve better from a parent. I feel surprisingly relieved and strong having made the decision. 11 years of marriage, hopes and dreams poured into a slot machine but many good years left in me, God willing. I'm in East Anglia. If anyone is in the same vicinity and wants to make contact with me please feel free. I wish you all the strength to deal with whatever decisions you make xx
Kelly_20056 & Tootsie particularly, thank you for your posts. I've not been back on here for a while. May's my busiest time at work and I've just finished a 22 day straight stint including nights away - I decided to try and put things to one side during this time because I genuinely couldn't deal with immense work pressures as well as emotional turmoil, so I switched my emotions off and carried on. I told myself I'd give him until June to see how it goes and how he does, unfortunately that time is nearly up and now I need to face our issues and really, honestly, just don't want to.
I went to a GamCare meeting weeks ago when this started and felt positive afterwards. I felt like there was other people who understood and supported, but I also saw how these people were devoting their entire lives to, in effect, controlling and mothering their family members with the problem in order to be able to make things work - and I just don't know if I can do that.
Our marriage is good, generally. We have fun, we do things with our daughter, we make each other laugh and I love him. I really do. But all I can think is that this will never end. It will never go away and I am so worried that I will waste years of my life desperately hoping things will get better, in denial because deep down I know they won't. I can't take experiences of others too much to heart because everyone is different, their lives are different and our partners are not the same people, but so many things ring true. Like Kelly, I know if I end this marriage people will think I've been rash or acted hastily but equally if things got worse they would say I am stupid for staying with him. I don't care too much what people think, but it does have an impact on my thoughts.
The only way for this to be fixed is for it to have never happened, but sadly I cannot turn back time. I feel so torn and so lost and, basically, there is no solution because I lose either way.
I am in the same situation although we have seperate bank accounts and he moved into my house we have been married 6 years come November. He is constantly on the phone playing slots, poker, roulette. We watched a film a few weeks back it was 90 mins in time. He kept going for a cigarette and I would pause the film. It took us 3 hours to watch... He has been having problems with his business and is using this as the excuse.He has not given me any money towards to house hold bills since feb as I offered that solution to help him out, I have had some money when I ask him. We never do anything and he comes home later and later from work, he wont get up on Sunday so we do nothing as he "works 6 days a week". I asked him to leave last Monday finally he left on Thursday. I have seen him on Sunday and Monday but again he rang late etc and I arranged it. I think there comes a time when you have to do it for yourself and your children. People will say what they want to, if you have a good support network who know the truth then that's all that matters. Believe me I have found out what a great support I have with my friends and they are all on myside having seen how I have gotten myself so upset. It is difficult because you want the best for them and for you to have a great life with them, but this is not going to happen. I look at what is happening with myself and think if it was a friend going through this and not me what would I suggest and it would be " get away from him and make your life your own". You haven't given up on him you are giving him back his life and giving yourself the life you deserve. We all deserve in fact. It is hard but also imagine in 10 years thay are still doing the same thing it's 10 years we can't get back and that frightens me as I am 53 and don't want a second or third rate life waiting for him to change and find out he hasn't .
Good luck
Hello
please don't all throw rotten tomatoes at me........I'm a CG I'm married I have three children.
I have not got an argument with anything that has been wrote above, in fact it is all correct.
A compulsive Gambler who tries to stop gambling on the strength he is being told to/advised to or by any other means ( in my opinion) will always return.
In it's evil way it takes you to your own world where you can't see the wood for the tree's it turns a good loving loyal family man into a sneaky, self centred, devious, manipulative conditioning horrible person.
My wife would speak with me, bargain with me, try making me see sence, I even tried telling her that spending hours in a bookmakers on my weekends off was normal behaviour and she was the one bring over bearing?? Really????
If anything can jolt a CG out of his world like I was in its cold hard facts, it's talking with no holds barred, it hitting home hard, it's hammering home realities.
Ultimately it's doing what is right for you.
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