You guys are all I have... please help...

Sparkle we are here. There is chat at 8 pm, and net line or the advice line are open. So sorry that you are going through this; you will be ok, hang in there x

Hi, Sparkle,

I'm sorry to hear that he's continuing to gamble. In terms of practical advice, it was posted on your first thread and there's little to be added, would suggest a reread.

There is nothing on this good earth that you can do or say to make him stop gambling. Nor can the clock go back, probably he was gambling years ago but you didn't know. It seems that his family are also gamblers, asking to borrow money is a red flag and it's pretty obvious that poker isn't appropriate for a CG. Obvious to anyone other than gamblers who wish to continue gambling and don't want to know about gambling problems.

You can't fix him and your relationship isn't what you thought. None of this is your fault but you do need specialist and targeted help to cope with your situation. It's up to you to get it, there are no white knights in the Kafka-type environment that you're in. Continue what you're starting here, keep posting, call the Helpline and overcome the travel and babysitting hurdles to get to GamAnon meetings. You're not alone and yours is the voice of sanity in a mad world but you need to put yourself among people who've walked in your shoes.

The standard advice is not to give any ultimatum that you're not able and willing to see through, so "If you gamble again then I'm going!" causes more stress and problems by setting deadlines for you. However, you need support and help and probably time to sort yourself out if you do decide to end the relationship. There's no rush and you will make your decision to stay or go when you're ready. You don't need to tell him your detailed thoughts or set a timescale. When I was seriously struggling, the phrase I used was, "I don't know if we're going to be able to stay together as things are." Similar message, no deadline.

Hope this helps but remember to keep the focus on you and what you need.

CW

Hi Sparkle

Sorry to see he's still continuing to break your trust. A CG who doesn't want to stop will scrape any barrel for funds especially once other sources start drying up and the key thing here is he clearly doesn't want to stop, at least not at the moment. Nothing is making him gamble but a CG who doesn't want to stop can twist anything into an excuse to do it. Tapping friends for money behind your back and then gambling it is a choice. There is nothing you can do or say to make him stop although I would be transferring the reponsibility for repaying these further debts right back where it belongs which is on his shoulders and making it very clear that any repayment isn't going to be to the detriment of funds needed for family and household expenses. This friend and any others he might tap for funds need to be put in the picture and told if they give him more it's at their own risk.

You can't turn the clock back but you can decide where your boundaries lie and you should take as much time as you need to make those decisions. Don't however give ultimatums you're not prepared to follow through.

Thank you for your support, I have contacted the friend and he's been full of apologies. He thought he was helping and will no longer fund his habit. I don't want to leave, I really don't. But I'm not sure how I can help any further than I am. I have his finances but if he's borrowing behind my back then there's nothing I can do about that. I scared and really don't want attend a gamanon meeting. I'm worried I will see someone I know. The thing is my hubby has it all going for him, Great personality, great dad, amazing people skills, intelligent blah blah.... but then this gambling just doesn't fit him. You'd never think it, its just not him. I don't want people to think bad of him. He really is a good man. He knows so many people, I want it to stay our secret but it's hard, so hard. Did others attending gamanon feel this way? X

Hi, again,

No one other than you can decide whether you should stay or go. It's for you to decide but it's always helpful to make that and other choices from a position of strength, being well informed and also having the support that you need.

You've got this mate to refrain from lending to him again but what about the next one? (Active addicts do eventually lose their friends by borrowing and overlooking to pay back but it may take him a while to work his way through all his friends, family and acquaintances). What about all the other dubious credit out there available to a determined pathological gambler? You might try to limit his access to funds for gambling but unless he is prepared to change he'll just find his way around all obstacles that you try to place between him and the next bet. It's vital for you to protect your own financial interests and ensure that none of it jeopardises you.

You're not sure how you can help any further than you are? Surely that's the whole point. You can't. You simply can't because it's impossible. You've done as much as you possibly can and it hasn't stopped him gambling.

You can't fix him, he has to fix him. It's entirely possible for him to fix him but he has to want to do it. Your choices are about what behaviour you'll put up with in your relationships. Sorry to sound harsh but active addicts aren't wonderful people. They do lie, deny, cheat, deceive, mislead, manipulate, project blame, all in order to use. Spouses and families are not more important than the next fix and like other friends and family, you have seen this for yourself. Your OH may well be wonderful if only he didn't gamble and therefore lie, conceal, break promises etc...but he is an active CG and he is lying, concealing, breaking promises etc.

Your choices are about what you put up with but the kids don't get to make choices, they're stuck with what the adults do. In my case, I made the wrong ones first time round, I thought that I was holding the family together but I was tolerating the intolerable and I did my children no favours, nor did I show them a good example.

re GamAnon, it's anonymous, what's said in the room stays in the room, you're unlikely to see anyone you know but if you do, they're there for the same reason. Ours isn't a particularly large group but we're all there for the same purpose: to help ourselves live with the gambling problem in our family. The difference between "we" and "I" is the difference between well and ill. It's worth trying but it won't change anything immediately, the gambling problem took time to develop and all of the changes needed to live with it take time.

Look after you.

CW

I'm sorry to hear this Sparkle but I'm not surprised, it's what we do I'm afraid 🙁 The build up of debt making him panic is one in a very long line of rubber stamp excuses that we regurgitate to people, ourselves including, to justify our stupidity...It's only when the fog starts to clear that we can see this for the false promise it is. Turning to the one thing that made is so broke in the 1st place is madness to the outside world but it's very commonplace amongst us CGs! You may feel like your hubby has it all going for him but don't kid yourself, unless he gets a grip of this, 'it' will all go & he will further damage you & your daughter.

I'm a little confused because I'm sure you posted that he was attending weekly meetings? What type if you are so hell bent on keeping this a secret that no-one can know? & why does he get to lean on people (if he indeed is attending) & you don't? If the friend that loaned him the money, this time, knows, can you lean on him for support? If his family are gamblers, they'll all be as bad as each other anyway but friends often find it hard to say no to the begging stories that gamblers fabricate...I know as I've spent decades begging my mum's friends not to lend her money & still they continue until I won't pay them back & they eventually fall by the wayside. GamAnon isn't the only option for you, maybe setting yourself up some counselling via GamCare could be something you explore? As much as you want to wish this away, you can't & you can't control what personal financial mess he gets into, only the official stuff if you are on top of the credit agency checks. I get that you are hurting, that you want to protect your family but to do that, you have to put yourself & your little girl 1st. It may be scary & painful but you have the strength, you just have to dig deep & believe it - ODAAT

Thank you. My husband is attending GA meetings every week. He says he enjoys them and finds them helpful, but clearly it's not enough.

Having slept on the situation I'm going to find out some details this morning. When he went? where? Etc, I know it won't solve anything but may help me recognise when he's been gambling in the future. It's awful to say but you are right, he's not really as good as I make out, reality is he's a liar. It makes me wonder what else he's lying about outside of the gambling? It hurts. I know you have all been here in one way, shape or form and I apologise for going around the same old story you've probably read a hundred times before.

Today I will at least look for a Gamanon meeting and see how I feel from there. Thank you again.

Hi, again, Sparkle,

GA say keep coming back because it works if you work it. Conversely, if you don't work it...GA also advocate multiple meetings at the beginning.

I personally have seen the difference between half measures intended to get us off the gamblers back whilst leaving the way free to gamble and a sincere effort to stop. In my experience, the difference was very clear. First time round, I got half measures, denial, projected blame, manipulation etc. He said he'd stop "investing" and I let myself believe him because it was easier than rocking our boat containing four children but my husband refused to hand over any sort of financial control or information. Actually the spread betting continued unabated and it was an eggshell peace, my husband continued to be emotionally remote and moody and generally to behave like a CG. He was finally exposed when my eldest realised, in the middle of "A" levels, that his savings account was empty.

It was totally different second time round, when I got full measures. My husband handed over full financial control. My eldest celebrated the end of his exams by installing blocking software on his father's computer and closing down his betting accounts, at which point he insisted to my husband that he start GA that same evening and promises of "next week" won't do. Upon my husband's return from GA, I relieved him of his bank card and handed it to a trusted friend for safe keeping. I prepared and my husband signed applications for the £2 statutory credit reports, we wrote to the head office of his main web site requesting permanent self exclusion and no further contact via any media and thus far there has been none. I closed all his accounts except for our current account via which I administer his allowance. Joint accounts are risky because of joint liability but you don't need the gambler's permission to access them. The balance in ours is minimal, there's no overdraft and I have written to the head office of the bank saying that I won't be applying for any overdraft on that account, that I don't authorise any loan repayments or gambling transactions from it but otherwise the account can operate on an either party basis. My husband uses a non Internet phone, he attends GA twice per week, he hasn't placed a bet for some eighteen months because he doesn't want to but he remains one bet away from disaster.

Everyone's story is different but the devastation from the gambling is the same. Stopping the gambling is only the beginning, rebuilding relationships and clearing up the emotional mess, bringing about the change in personality, all of that is long term.

Hope this helps.

CW

Hi sparkle, so sorry to hear what you're going through. When a CG's gambling 'slips' are exposed it's the worst, your natural instinct is to step on and sort it out to avoid any drama in the short term but i've learned from bitter experience that's the worst thing you could do. Like yours, my husband borrowed from friends time and time again because he was able to manipulate friends into it and friends will automatically want to help.
I gave about 50 last chances because my husband is such a lovely guy but when I realised how much he was dragging me down I eventually walked out, that was 2 months ago. I don't know what the future will bring but it's such a relief to take a step back from his problems to focus on me for a change.
Only you will know your limit and what you're able to put up with. It sounds like you want to give it another go but just make sure you have full disclosure. Best of luck to you x

Hello Sparkle.

So sorry this has happened again. If you want to talk it over with someone who doesn't know you, you are very welcome to call us on the Helpline (0808 8020 133) or chat to us on the Netline.

Best wishes

Forum Admin.

Thank you all.

Hi can only speak from my own expierence, iv been and done the bookies when sworn not too when everything is on the line, I can't explain why really can't even when your winning abit or loosing it all your still putting every penny you have in feeling physically ill. Then when you leave the feeling of guilt and how much you've let the people you love more then anything in this whole world down is worse then anything you feel lower then any human being in this world. My mates wouldn't understand and either take the mick or disown me, embarrassment mainly for me iv gone from having a Range Rover looking well and feeling ace, to looking like a tramp and currently trying to find a car for a couple of hundred quid. My addiction could justify any thing in my head, I'd win more and get out of debt , I'd win and make life better for my kids, I'd win and quit. It wasn't until I found this site last week that I thought it's not unmanly to get help there's men (and women) on here that have lost more then me that have been worse then me and they've quit not only that but they will take time to ask how your doing any thoughts your having they've had and concoured. Gamberling robs and self worth you have and because of people around you you can't just break down and admit your broke. In every meaning of word. Just put all this just to try and say what your husband might be feeling. Could you get him to have a look on here ?

Blownitagaib I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it's so hard for me to understand why he's doing it to us at the moment, and thank you for giving me an insight into what may be going through his head. I'm glad this forum has helped you, I didn't think about introducing my husband to it. I will speak to him about it tonight. All I want is to take it all away, I want to help and fix him and I'm sure you have people around you who want the same for you. It's so frustrating, and painful to watch. But as I've been told it's ultimately my husband who has to do it. I just hope he does it before I've decided to take my daughter and leave. I'm scared he's going to loose everything. Thank you for your reply.