Cant believe how stupid I am, after months of not gambling I have tonight hit rock bottom again. I was only admitting to others how I am lucky to have not experienced any real urges when whack....out of the blue I have been hit by the most awful thunderous urge and I succumbed.
Fortunately all my bills are paid bar one, but the guilt is unbelievable.
I have just lost a very close family member and my partner who has been so devoted to me is recovering from a serious illness so why am I so weak to give in to this horrrendous addiction now????
I dont know how I am going to explain I have only 30 left in the bank to last till next payday and have absolutely no idea how we will survive on that. I cant go to any more family as I have exhausted their trust and finances but at this moment I am desperate to find a cure to this addiction. I hate feeling euphoric and then total doom. I hate everything to do with gambling so why do I continue and cant stop, I just want a normal peaceful life but cant see how I will ever experience that again. I am 56 years of age and am so disgusted with myself at this moment I cant see myself making 60 if I continue to gamble.
Please help!!
Hope
HI there,
I am new to the forum and couldnt read and run.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time at the moment but often these are the times we crave our addictions the most. Problem in 99% it will make us feel worse afterwards.
You can do it you just need to find something new to seek solace in when times are hard.
Lisa xx
Thank you Lisa for your kind words.
This has to be the worst time ever that I have gambled. I am normally the sort of person who looks for reasons not excuses for bad behaviour etc but, there is no reason or excuse for what I have done. The hurt and upset I have caused my partner today is unforgivable. I told him this morning what I have done and despite his hurt and anger he still wants to help me get some control and stability back into my life.
This day has to be day 1 again and for good this time, there are no more chances available.
We still dont know how we will manage financially this month with 30 left till the end of June who knows what will happen.
We will concentrate today on how to deal with me and tomorrow we will work on our finances. It is one day at a time with this horrible illness but without the love and support of my darling husband I have no idea where I would be right now.
Will keep posting and restart my diary. Thanks again for reading.
Hi Hopelass - So sorry to read that you are feeling low, but I know you will emerge from this a stronger person. Thankfully you have the support of your husband and together you will get things sorted. Don't be too hard on yourself - you imply your behaviour is inexcusable, but we often use gambling as an escape from worry or stress. It's clear that you have been stressed/upset recently, so it's no wonder that your defences were down. it certainly doesn't mean you are weak and we have certainly all been there.
I became obsessed with online slots to escape a bit of loneliness - an escape into my own little world, except it soon ceased to be fun and became by dirty little secret.
What helped me was when I realised that there was no way that I was going to be in profit - ever. No matter what I won it would always be ploughed back - a ludicrous situation and one I was no longer willing to support.
You will start to feel better very soon.
Let us know how you get on, and best wishes for the coming month.
Joanna
Thank you Joanna for your lovely kind words of support. I know how stressed I have been lately and had I been able to think straight I suppose like all of us CG's this would never have happened. I got absolutely no pleasure "playing" these games, not like the excitement I used to feel in the past.You are so right in saying it is a dirty little secret.
Well from now on it has to be onwards and upwards. I feel today I can tackle the financial side of things out, yesterday was a nightmare.
Best wishes to you too for your recovery, I have a diary going which I will continue to write on from later today. Thank you again Joanna.
Hope xx
Hello Hope - so glad to read you are feeling brighter. Keeping a diary is a really good idea - I find it so helpful to put things down in writing, especially responding to others' posts.
It seems to clarify my own thoughts too.
Looking forward to reading that you have reached a week of freedom soon.
Joanna
Well diary,
I have been doing so well untill last night. I had arranged to meet up with some friends in my local town and unfortunatley due to bad weather they were unable to make our evening out. So instead of doing the sensible thing and driving home, I felt I still deserved a night out and headed straight to my local casino. Unbearably I lost £800, o*g, this was money I had saved for Christmas. The pain I am feeling right now is excruciating, not just because I lost, I had access to more money, but the thought of all my hard work and commitment going down the drain and into the "bank of flipping slots". My worry is that the urge that I had so gallantly fought has returned with a vengeance. I am so mad and angry with myself and I feel so cheap sitting in front of a stupid slot machine for hours when I could have been home in comfort and enjoying precious time with my husband. The insanity of this illness is very evident with me tonight. my saving grace, it hasn't left me financially broke, but it has left me mentally broke. I can't tell anybody yet what I have done but I will in time.
Tomorrow/today i.e. 22/11/2014 is now day1 again....this time I will commit to abstaining for much longer and I will reach my 12 month goal.
Best wishes to all.
A very miserable and depressed Hope x
Wow you could have been writing about my own experience of this disease I like you went on a bender yesterday and am disgusted with myself,with the help of this forum you will be in a better place very soon chin up your gonna make it hopelass
Hi Hope,
Sorry to hear about your relapse! I'm so impressed you were able to stop mid slide & come right on back to sanity! You should seek comfort in the strength that you must have to have managed that & use it next time the urges come! I can't speak from experience as I haven't been in recovery as long as you were but my reading has taught me, you must put this behind you! Then you can start clocking up the days again and continue to be an inspiration to us all!
All the best! I believe in you!
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
