After two months being gamble free today i lost the plot and surrendered to my urges to gamble.
I picked an arguement with my ex wife so i could justifi my actions.
I knew what i was doing even sfter the pian i caused and being arrested for theft the last time i went on a gambling binge.
The thing is i started to win and win it was like i could not lose i was placing big bets more and more, now the amounts were talking would not be a lot to some but for a guy on welfare they are,
i was up a couple of K and one point all this from a tenner any normal person would have walked away happy.
At this point i knew only two well it could not last, a streak like that never does.
And god knows i needed the money could have done a lot to help my family.
And pay back some of the money i owe to friends and family.
But its like i wanted lose i just kep going till there was nothing left.
I stopped getting the buzz from a winning i wanted to lose and make a comback seriously
How screwed up is that.
This is not the first time i played to lose yes i get a trill from the win and it feeds my addiction but the strange thing is a get a bigger thrill from being down and winning it all back in one bet alone i more then covered my losess at least a couple of times
but just kept going till there was nothing left. and now I have burned my bridges with my family once again
I truly believe this type of behaviour is a form of self harm I actually feel nothing no remorse its like I am in some sort of trance
I know tomorrow I will and then have to face consequences of todays act of madness.
Hi marko , sorry to see you back because of your binge but glad you came back to sort yourself out .
Look if that isn't showing you the path to take , then what will ? . That last session has just proved to you what all of us Compulsive gamblers on here know , it's "not about the money "and "we cannot win because we cannot stop ".
I know exactly how you feel with the " I was glad it was gone attitude " for me it meant that particular session was over and I could switch off and give my muddled up brain and dizzy eyes a rest , I still had to sit there feeling like S***e though for a couple of days , then that feeling would wear off and I'd start all over again , talking myself into believing that I could win it all back again , same cycle , same outcome and as you say , causing a ruck with our loved ones so we had the green light and the justification .
You understand well enough what your doing , so no need for me to go there but you prob now have to look at putting some pretty big barriers in place and stop making it easy for yourself , find a bit more willpower and just jump off of the hamster wheel that we all get stuck on , you can do this buddy , you just hqve to want to ?.
Sending you my best wishes and welcome back to recovery .
Alan
Yep Marko Im another who knows exactly how you feel.Only Gambling can bring such extreme highs and extreme lows within hours , And you know I am not talking about a high you might have watching your football team winning then go on to loose the game I am talking about an intensity where a mad mad could be 20 foot away swining an axe around , You might have a look but your head will turn back to the screen , The bloke with the axe could well be someone on an intense low from the same gambling problem.. It is an illness alright ,Its my first day on here , Had a chat today with an advisor it helped a bit but I am still in devastation mode from last night and I know it will take days or weeks to shake off just to get back to not feeling like a zombie from the living dead. I have been gambling over 30 year now ,Always had low paid jobs but have had money come my way like a lot of people do and more or less wasted the lot. 5Ks here 3Ks there Last night 1K , and to top it off I am not even working now I gave my job up to care for someone. Some carer I cant even look after myself properly. I went to bed last night about 3am after another 9 hour session online casino as I have done a hundred times before and as in all the other times I curled up and said to myself Please dont wake up in the morning and as usual I wake up to the inevitable devasting feeling as all the other times bring.I have come to the conclusion I want a better life once and for all , No more lies especially to myself.That is it the last time I go to sleep hoping I dont wake up to face this chit . All the best to every one on here.
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