Do I tell his family?

Hi Katie

In a word. Yes
Addiction survives & flourishes within secrecy & lies.
My situation was the reverse because my parents knew but my wife didnt. After years of them keeping my secret because i manipulated them into thinking it was the right thing to do they told her. My dad took all the evidence, everything i had ever borrowed & stolen from them. My mum told my wife she should get out before i totally ruined her in the way i had them.
That conversation saved my life. Was i happy at the time they told her? Of course not. I was sick, i wanted to carry on hiding from life within my addiction. I was never going to let go when i had somewhere or someone else to abuse.
You wont get any thanks but he needs consequences or he will never change.
Recovery is difficult to find unless there is a need to. If carrying on is easier & less emotionally damaging than stopping, he never will.

Sorry if that sounds a bit doom & gloom, but this is the reality of living with addiction. I can only wish you luck.

Dan

Thank you Dan.

Hi Katie

I do not message on here much but this post really stuck out to me, I was in a similar situation to day@atime, I continually promised my now wife I would stop etc etc, there was no real need to inform my parents, but it was a real worry to me that one day my partner would tell my parents everything.....they knew I liked a gamble but not that it was in anyway a problem

if she had done it.......looking back now I think maybe it may of shamed me into facing my problems a lot sooner, maybe it wouldn't, nobody knows, in my honest opinion you could take an Ad out in the local paper, there is only one person who can change there ways, no matter who knows.

I had to find my own path and I also chose spells of leaving the family home and burdening so many problems on my partner, but never really understood the problems I was causing, it is such a selfish addiction.

I hope you and your husband can sort something out, I think if you feel his brother is somebody you can confide in, and is like a middle-man to his parents try that route first......but I urge you to remember that if the outcome from this is not great don't take it personally, I doubt he will thank you for it at first, but in time he hopefully will understand why you done it.

good luck!

Hi

well I told my husband that I was going to tell his brother and obviously he wasn't happy but said - 'do what you need to do'. I offered him to come with me but of course he declined. So I told him everything. Not sure it's going to help and now I feel like I told him more for my benefit - so I'm not the only one who knows, they can support him too. But it's still not gonna make him stop. I knew it wouldn't. Nothing will.

Morning,

a problem shared is a problem halved, from your point of view, I used to go mad when my wife told people....because I knew how pathetic it was, but why should you carry that burden around?? If it is affecting you you have every right to try seek whatever help you can, be that his parents or brother. I can relate to your husbands plight quite strongly, I have been in exactly the same situation, the only hope I can give you us that in the end there will always come a point you need help, I just hope he comes to you, as you clearly love him.

best of luck!!!

Thanks for your reply. It is affecting me- I'm awake at a silly hour on a Sunday morning!! I do love him but he justs wants us removed from his path of destruction. Doesn't want to drag us down with him and if I don't take action we will be.

The thing is unfortunately you are on his path of destruction, it affects you just as much as him, you are a couple, my wife always said to me the hardest thing was not knowing what to do, not being able to help, I'm sure you find yourself in the same situation, and unfortunately there is not much you can say, you can shout and scream, chuck him out, bail him out and even beg, I'm afraid the truth is he can only help himself.

To my shame my missus put up with everything I threw at her, the lost wages, selling homes, loans etc etc etc, until one day I just realised I didn't want to be that person anymore, I honestly believe every gambler has a point where they question why they are putting themselves through it, and they turn to someone, in my case it was outside help and then my wife as I had fed her so much Bull over the years, and promised so many times I wanted to prove it.

I think it may be worth one more heart to heart with your fella, offer to draw a line under everything, offer to go and self exclude from the bookies with him, offer to call gamcare (point him in this direction, this site is brilliant) offer him a fresh start and just be honest, go easy, you may be surprised.......if he doesn't want to, he may not, I didn't, then maybe you need to look after number 1 for a bit, make sure you are able to live a life, and just maybe keep the door open, as when he crashes, and he will, hopefully that offer of help may be something he wants to take.

I hope something comes good for you both, try and stay as positive as you can, it has to be two way, you can't do this for him I'm afraid.

Hi again, thanks so much for talking to me. We've had a talk today and I think he will be relieved if I steam ahead with divorce. Because then we will be safe from him. Funnily enough I have already told him that I will always be here when he is ready for my help. I know in my heart he isn't ready. He still has his home, wife and girls. I can only hope that when the time comes it isn't too late for him. I feel awful but at the same time I know he can't concentrate on his recovery until he knows we are free from further damage. He might be addicted but he's still a lovely guy. Thanks again.

Your messages really hit home with me, I feel so so sorry for the situation you and your family find yourself in, I hope one day this can have a happy ending, I genuinely believe it can.

As I said I have been in the exact same situation as your husband and unfortunately I also sold many homes we shared, left her, took out loans, re-mortgaged etc etc, I can't speak for him but I know one thing, I know this, it will break him when it happens.

i feel maybe you need to find a bit of strength, take a bit of control, he can sort his recovery at any time, what better time can there be than having a loving family around you?? It can't be better than fighting it alone?? I'll be honest....he just doesn't want to have to justify or explain his actions, he doesn't want to have to come home and face what he is ruining, he wants you out of harms way......out of sight out of mind.

I hope he makes it in time, I hope he realises soon what he will be throwing away. But mainly I hope you and your girls can find a safe and secure environment. Keep us posted, you aren't alone as I'm sure you already know.

best wishes.

I have told him I feel he is taking the 'easy way out'. I just dunno any more. He's told me so many lies... I just know that I will start divorce proceedings- to me that is taking control. I can't control him but I can determine my own future. It's the only way I can protect myself - I have already sought legal advise. May be it will be the jolt he needs. May be it will be the escape he seeks. Either way I will ensure that me and our girls will have a roof over our heads. I wish you all the best in your recovery. I really appreciate your thoughts.

Exactly, the best thing to do is look after yourself and your family, as you say hopefully you making plans and staying strong may give him the kick up the a**e he needs, in time he will reach a crossroads, it can't end well I'm afraid......hopefully it will be sooner rather than later and he seeks help.....recovery is not easy, but it is easier than being a gambler.

best of luck x

Katiecola I remember speaking to u in the friends and family forum and I am so sorry for u that it is ending in a split. Until he realises and admits he has a problem then I'm afraid it really is the only answer tho whether u love him or noT. It's difficult enough dealing with this horrible addiction when we know and admit we need help but he isn't even half way there. I was terrified at being outed and my partner made my.life hell threatening to tell e1 constantly. He bullied me and controlled me, he couldn't forgive me and iv finally found the courage to leave. I know u were struggling to forgive him but I know from your posts that you were trying. He had no idea at the minute how lucky he is to have that. I WOULD share his problem with his family. E1 now knows of my problem and despite my fear e1 had beeN so supportive and it's helping with my recovery. He will only realise when he is at rock bottom and u need to protect yourself and your kids until that happens x