Feel at the end of my tether

Horall you are right. Hand over finances and stop now before it gets much worse. This is progressive and just gets bigger and bigger. Good luck!

My advice would be to bite the bullet and get him told asap. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret. The longer you leave it the higher the risk of letting him down far harder in the not very distant future.

Horall, I was similar in that I would get stuff paid for and had very little debt as a single man with a reasonable wage but after 20 years of work had nothing to show for it. But in that time I never though I had a problem as bills were paid etc, only when I was repsonabile for others did it get too much for me and I hit rock bottom. Then it was clear I had a huge problem adn I got the help and support from my GA meetings and my partner and family.

As you have said you have a decent job and can have a really nice life with your husband but you have to cut gambling out of you life for good. Its not easy so you will need support, I recommend GA which has a 12 step programme which really works. Its not a switch you turn on and will take time and effort but you can do it. I wish you well with it

Absolutely you should tell him. He might be angry at first but I'm sure he'll just want to support you.

I can tell you that I've been in exactly that position, debts getting worse but lying about my problem thinking if I stop now I can get everything back in order in a couple of months. One year later and guess what, it's significantly worse.

Now my missus knows and can monitor and take control of my money, it's a lot easier.

You can definitely overcome this with honesty and the will to change. But if you keep lying and trying to get through it on your own, I'd say you have little to no chance of making things better.

I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh but it's the truth.

I really wish you the best in getting your life back on track

Hi Horall

Only you can make the decision but all the evidence points to telling your partner being the option that will significantly increase the chances of cutting gambling out of your life. You are gambling as a complusive gambler, increasing your stakes, chasing losses, hiding your gambling, gambling money you do not have (credit cards). Your mind is therefore one of a compulsive gambler and is therefore irrational when it comes to gambling - your thought processes when it comes to gambling and trying to control it would seem insane to a non-complusive gambler. You will therefore have a much higher chance of kicking this evil activity if you have someone to help you control your finances and ability to gamble.

It does not sound as if you have done life changing damage to your financials so you have a chance to get out before you do. The longer you leave it the more damage you will do and the higher likelihood that your husband will find out himself when the credit card debt starts piling up. I confessed to my wife and started counselling with "just" £6000 of losses and actually think I was lucky to have got away with such a small loss. The way it was escalating I lost the final £1000 in the last week while I was trying to pluck up the courage to tell her - I am pretty sure I would have carried on losing £1000s every week had I left it any longer. The stakes and loss chasing were just spiralling up.

From my own experience and others on here you will likely go through some fairly painful emotions in the early days and weeks as you come to terms with what you have done but you do need this day 1 of acknowledging you have a problem, confessing to a loved one who can support you and then putting in place some pretty strong blocks to stop yourself ever gambling again. The alternative of doing nothing and carrying on gambling will be a lot worse though.

Keep posting on here, maybe start a diary if you think it will help (does me) and don't forget you are never on your own.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I know I need to tell him, I just feel like I want a few “clean” weeks under my belt first, and to have a proper plan in place for paying back debts.

This is only day 1, and it’s feeling hard... it’s good to know that giving up can be done, and reading the stories of other people is helping.

I’m so angry with myself for being so weak

Hey Horall,

I understand you saying you want a few clean weeks before you tell him. I would really discourage this if I was you and bite the bullet.

I say this because, as i mentioned before I have been and am in the a very similar situation for you. I told myself over and over again that once i had a clean period I would open up about things. Problem is, I never did have a clean period and over that time I was keeping everything a secret, the issues and financial issues caused by gambling only got worse. I would suggest that's exactly what will happen with you.

And actually, you may find as I have that opening up and giving over control will actually make giving up a lot easier. And it will take a great burden of guilt off your shoulders. I'm not saying it will be easy, I know it really isnt easy at all. And in fact my girlfriend didn't find out from me but rather from letters she found. And despite that, things have improved since then and it would have been a lot better for her had it been me that was honest and told her about it.

Staying clean for a couple of weeks would suggest you can control this thing, I used to think the same, then when i would go a couple of weeks or even months without betting (or at least betting much) I convinced myself I was in control. Unfortunatly it took me hitting rock bottom before I realised the extent of my problem, by which time i had large amounts of debt built up which Im still paying for.

You need support to beat this so GA meetings and your husband are ideal support to help you beat this. Its not easy coming clean but once you do it a huge weight is lifted, after that its one day at a time.

How are you doing? Did you tell your husband? I am still building up to it myself. Hope you are doing ok xx

Took all your advice & finally told my husband on Monday ... he didn’t react as I thought he might, he was wonderful & supprtive ... a bit bemused, but just gave me a big hug & said we would be ok. I can’t tell you how much it has helped, I don’t feel so alone anymore, and can talk about it, rather than just go into my “slot bubble”.

Hi horall that's a major step. Admitting the problem and honesty. Make sure all blocks are in place. Find something else to occupy your brain. Good luck!

Hi Horall

That is great news. I am not at all surprised at his response - if he had gone to you and admitted he had a problem, what would your reaction have been? Probably to have been supportive and understanding because that is what family and friends do. My counsellor explained that one to me!

Not trying to create a negative here but however supportive and undestanding your husband has been, don't let it blind both of you into thinking the problem has gone away because it is out in the open. You will still need to make sure you put the blocks and controls in place to control this. It will just be a lot easier now with your husband there to support you.

EDIT - ok, just seen your diary entry - looks like you have all under control re financial control with your husband. Good stuff!

Good luck

Muststop123