I have been addicted to gambling since being a child. The trigger was my best friend stealing 20 pound from her uncle, then panicking about it and deciding the best way to get rid of it was for me to lose it in the slots (no idea how she came up with that but we were literally like 10 and 11) when I went to the shopping centre that afternoon. So I tried, and tried, and ended up with 100 quid. No matter what I did I couldn't lose.
From then on, every penny of my pocket money went into the slots. Then I started work and my entire wage packet would go in in an hour or so, then I would be asking for subs from work to chase what I had lost. I began stealing..from family, from shops, from anywhere I could. I got into a 1000 overdraft in a day. Eventually I lost my job due to not going in as I was having a good run that morning..yes, I used to go to arcades before work. I was around 2000 up from 200..and I got it into my head that if I stayed I would win more that day than I would working for a year! Of course it didn't happen. An hour after I was sacked, I was also penniless again, not even having busfare to walk home. No job, and at rock bottom..I lied to my family to cover it up. Around this time I discovered online gambling. My dad used to play poker a lot and he let me play a 2 quid tournament on his account when I asked (he had no idea about my problems..) and I won. It was only 20 quid, but I won. So started the poker...still stealing from anywhere I could, and at one point using my mothers credit card to fund my habit, stupidly thinking that winning one big tourney and having it cashed to her card would make her happy and she would gladly hand over the difference of what I had spent to what I won. I mean, how stupid is that. I convinced myself that she wouldn't care that I had been stealing from her for a month...jesus. Looking back everything seems so stupid. My mum found out, there was hell on, I did pay her back eventually, I was told not to gamble anymore. I don't think my parents knew that for them it might be easy to just not do it, but for me it was nigh impossible.
Things carried on as normal for a while, stealing what I could, every penny I got gambled, extremely unhappy life. Even when I won I always thought I must be on a roll and never cashed out..then ended up losing it all again plus more.
All of this time, after each loss I promised myself I would not go back. Sometimes it lasted a week or so but there was always that little voice inside my head saying that I could easily turn a tenner into a grand. Then I would lose the tenner, plus whatever else I had in my bank, and come up with some stupid excuse to my partner. He trusts me completely so never questioned anything, which makes things worse.
My wakeup call came yesterday. I was arrested on suspicion of fraud by misrepresentation. I admitted everything immediately, whats the point in lying or even trying to get off with it. I had sold items that I never had on an auctionsite (that I didnt know was censored, sorry), just to get cash to gamble with. I intended to get people to pay by paypal, so when the items never arrived, they got a refund easily and my paypal balance just went negative, which I could pay back with my big win (!). However after one transaction paypal blocked my account so I took payment by bank transfer. I figured they would still get their cash back and the banks would eat up the cost until I could pay it. One guy got a refund, not sure about the other 2. At 8.30am yesterday morning my house was swamped by police. I had used my partners 'auctionsite' account to lure in 3 of my 'victims' after mine got blocked for the first. They were here for him, and he had NO idea why at all. I told them it was all me, they took me to the station, put me in a cell for a bit then interviewed and bailed me until 23rd April. The police told me I must have all of my debts cleared by the courtcase or the judge will be unsympathetic basically. I also need to pay back the people I stole from, preferabl;y before my bail date. This is just impossible, my credit rating is shot and I don't know anyone with that kind of money who would lend it to me, as obviously everyone knows I have problems controlling money, they just don't know why. I am expected to come up with near 6 grand overall in possibly 2 months. I am on sickness benefits at the moment so its just impossible. They also gave me the phone number for gamcare, but I am terrible on the phone so I used the online chat function instead, which has lead me here. I don't know what I expect to get out of this thread, but it feels so good to get the complete truth out. Noone knows quite how bad my problem is, my partner knows I waste the odd 40 quid or so every now and again, but when I spend more I come out with excuses about where the money has gone. I seem to have been snapped back to reality by this arrest and impending court case. I have 2 young children, I cannot go to prison, but I may have to. I am absolutely terrified, and all of this is because of something as stupid as gambling. I was sat last night thinking about how much I have lied to myself and others since I was a child...and its pathetic. I would never have got to this point if I had just admitted it earlier or not been so stupid as to keep imaginging that big win that would sort my lfie out...I mean really, imaginging a giant win when my money tends to go into 25 quid jackpot machines anyway. It just seems ridiculous thinking about it now.
However, no matter how ridiculous it seems, I KNOW I will be tempted again the next time I have some cash. My plan after speaking to the live chat lady (who was lovely) is to give complete control of our finances to my partner. I have blocked all gambling sites via my ISP. She recommended self excluding from the arcades round here, but I have done that before and they never said a word when I strolled back in a few days later, so thats going to have to be complete willpower. I have been referred to some counselling place who apparently should be ringing me in 3 working days and I will be going to see them once a week.
Writing all of this down and seeing just how duplicitous I have been is depressing as hell. I have been such a horrible person, stealing from people and not even considering how much it may affect their lives, all for a few quid to chuck into a machine with flashing lights. It all seems so crazy...
Edited a lot out of this.
Hi VickyJ
I'm a recovering CG. I have just noticed your unanswered post. Maybe it was all a bit overwhelming for people to take in?
It's an unfortunate situation that you find yourself in, and one that you openly admit is of your own doing. That is a good start. Admitting that it is your fault, that you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.
Normally, it is advised that a gambler should not be bailed out of a financial situation. He or she has to learn that their gambling has consequences.
I think that you obviously have to get legal advice re what the possible outcomes are re any prosecution etc. That has to be the starting point for you. Once you have some idea re that, you can then work on a repayment plan. Maybe by showing good faith in starting this plan it might help you when it comes to the court case in April?
I would also suggest that you attend GA meetings. They are good people. They can offer you support to help you recover from the gambling addiction. It would also possibly help you in the eyes of the judge if you are showing that you are trying to do something to help with your addiction.
You should be careful what you post on any forum re any posible illegal activity. There is an edit button under your post. I'd better leave it at that.
Take care and best wishes
Thanks, have took out the part I think you are referring to. The police will already know this though as they have seized my laptop.
I am waiting for a call from NESA about counselling. The live chat here referred me.
Thank you for your reply. My story does seem a little more extreme than opthers I have read on here. Not as far as the amount of cash lost, but in how much has actually gone on besides the actual gambling :S
Hi VickyJ
I think you will find that some of the more extreme actions/results of our gambling days is sometimes held back. For me, I am happy to talk with anyone on this forum or my close family re what I did or didn't do. Others will hold back a little. That is their choice.
BTW what I told you before also applies to GA meetings, be open and honest but be aware of what you are saying.
I sincerely hope that after you sort out legal advice etc. that you do seek counselling and/or GA. You may well be surprised that the members there have done what you have done and more. They can definitely offer you a bit of guidance and support.
Take care and best wishes
Hi Vicki,
I've just read your post. I can't add much to Wal1957's responses. He gives a lot of sound advice on the Forum.
I can understand why Wal says people may have been overwhelmed by your post. It is quite an account of what can happen to a CG. I've worked dealing with fraud in the past so I know what people can get up to.
I hope you can get the help to see you through this difficult situation.
Take care now.
wal1957 wrote:
Hi VickyJ
I think you will find that some of the more extreme actions/results of our gambling days is sometimes held back. For me, I am happy to talk with anyone on this forum or my close family re what I did or didn't do. Others will hold back a little. That is their choice.
BTW what I told you before also applies to GA meetings, be open and honest but be aware of what you are saying.
I sincerely hope that after you sort out legal advice etc. that you do seek counselling and/or GA. You may well be surprised that the members there have done what you have done and more. They can definitely offer you a bit of guidance and support.
Take care and best wishes
Hmm this will be a bit of a problem. I cant be honest really without admitting the extents that I have gone to to obtain money to feed my habit. I don't think this GA thing will be for me if I can't share my whole story, if that makes sense :S
I have edited more from my first post too after eceiving an email from admin about sharing too much. Sorry.
Thank you for the support though, it means a lot. I know I have a long way to go and in a weird way,. I'm looking forward to seeing how strong I can be.
VickyJ wrote:
Thanks, have took out the part I think you are referring to. The police will already know this though as they have seized my laptop.
I am waiting for a call from NESA about counselling. The live chat here referred me.
Thank you for your reply. My story does seem a little more extreme than opthers I have read on here. Not as far as the amount of cash lost, but in how much has actually gone on besides the actual gambling :S
Yes a little extreme for many on here but I go to GA meetings too
Not extreme for some there
You can share your whole story within a GA room. It is totally confidential. You will not be judged. You will see people who have done the things you have done & worse. Also within GA is sponsorship. Part of a sponsors job is to listen to what you want to share & guide you both through the recovery program & how you may be able to solve problems in your day to day life
Hi vicky
Look on the bright side it took me 51 years to realise I had a problem you did it s lot sooner,focus on the important things your partner your lovely kids...its not easy,hang on in there
Just told my dad...via email :/ I know that seems cowardly but honestly, everytime I even think about speaking out loud about it I start crying, so that convo wouldn't go well.
Hi VickyJ
Openness and honesty at a GA meeting is the only way to do it. There is a but however. If there is a court case pending, we can be called in to testify. Personally, I wouldn't be able to remember anything if I was called to testify, but that's just me.
You can still tell your story, ie: Me, I stole money to finance my gambling. That's all I need to say. Again I am being open and honest. No mention of how,when, or from who.
I am happy that you have told your dad. He will probably feel angry, disappointed etc initially, but the sooner you get some support going, the better you will feel. I am sure he will be more concerned for you than anything else. 🙂
Take care
He's been really supportive, much more than I deserve to be honest.
Hi VickyJ
What are dads for if you can't depend on them for a bit of help now and then? Very happy that he has been supportive. Looks like you have a good one there, I would keep him if I were you. 🙂
Hello VickyJ,
One of the steps to recovery is accepting the consequences that comes with our actions. While you have taken an important first step in admitting you have a gambling problem. Now the hard bad. Facing the damage we have caused.
While I am here to offer you support, I can tell you that you should be prepared for the worst. All the worst. Then if the worst doesn't happen, you are happier. If the worst does happen, you are prepared.
Financially, you will find that the recovery will not take as long as you have anticipated. Emotionally though, it will take longer. A constant fight even. You are not a bad person, as you have a genuine love for your kids and family. You are a good person with a bad disease. A disease that transforms our moral resolve.
You have stolen from people, who have worked hard for their money. You must make restitution for that stolen money, one way or another.
It is a dark moment at the time, but take comfortable that you can overcome this problem and these issues being forthright. Complete honesty will make the recovery quicker. Any lies will just prolong the recovery.
I am hoping for your success VickyJ.
Kind Regards,
AM
The court case scenario Wal talked about doesnt exist in the Uk.
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