General

Hi

Its a difficult one mickypitt as few people blurt everything out early in the relationship and you have to judge how its going and take it from there.

I know about gambling addiction and unfortunately its so powerful that its not just a case of clicking the fingers and deciding to stop. A new love would therefore not on its own be enough for your mind to heal.

Dont get me wrong...its a good thing but at some point I feel she needs to know. Possibly not the jail time yet if she is likely to take that the wrong way about you...as I said its a difficult one and nobody will tell you its easy

Mainly you need to face yourself and learn about this addiction. As you have been gambling very recently its early days and we all needed to learn what we were dealing with. When I was addicted I didnt really know what I was dealing with. I had a form of drug addiction to gambling and thats the truth of the matter.

This addiction thrives on secrets and a shame. It traps you in these secrets so it can get its fix. Its a form of split mind control which destroys you. An addiction thinks nothing of relationships or family and it will fight you for dominance. We all needed to understand we were not in control of our own minds and couldnt trust ourselves.

When you deal with the core problem and have a born again moment it all tends to fall into place. That means reaching out like you have done here on the forum. It means living on an allowance, friend/ family monitoring and proper blocks.

I feel you have to wait for the right moment but you know in your heart she would need to know certain things about you for the love to develop. A blind love is ultimately destructive.

Im sure she is seeing the good in you so you build on that. Only you know how your relationships are going so the decision to tell her in the right way is yours. My view is that you need to tell her because its about a sense of pride and self worth. There is no shame in realising you have a problem and dealing with it.

Im very glad you feel a sense of being alive again. Being gamble free also creates that sense of being alive again.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thanks for that reply and I appreciate your articulate thoughts but I must disagree with your advice.The advice to tell her that is.Everything else is spot on and I assure you that very very few know this disease like I do and I have been attending forums and GA for nearly 30 years so am fully aware of 'the answers' but ultimately the reason why I have gambled in recent years is because I had 'nothing to lose' bar my own self worth and money.Now I do.Without question I would have a much higher chance of relapsing if I told her as if I was rejected (which is a 99.9% chance) I would probably use this as another trigger and poor me to bet again - I know the addiction and myself well.I posed the question I guess seeking people with experience of my conundrum of such but I know the answer and it is not to say anything.Why would I? I will probably tell her all in due course but for now I must hold my nerve and just be myself and use this as a purpose to not bet again along with GA / friends who know addiction and places like here.I am very confident that I won't bet as I have made a conscious effort to self exclude from all online betting firms,have cut all my cards and only have purchase cards and only carry a few coins for parking.Thanks for your thoughts but I am not saying until the relationship develops and am going to use the positive energy I have from the relationship as a deterrent for now.I have lost many relationships due to my gambling and take your point though.

Yes its a difficult one to advise you on. Its your decision. I am saying its best if you can be ready to tell someone at some point in your relationship. Ive not really demanded that you tell her as quickly as possible. Yes thats someone who understands you so a new relationship or any realtionship is often not strong enough to cope with stories of serious gambling losses.

Thats what gambling does and Im sure you are adult enough to face that. its not just the money that goes down...we bet the trust and self respect away.

Its extremely difficult to advise about because certain information early in a relationship would be too much to bear. I accept some of it is 26 years ago and would say that certain things dont need to be talked about or not for a long time yet

This is mainly about you and where you are at with gambling. I accept that I cant really advise you if and when to tell someone. If I found out my partner had been gambling recently and had a problem I would be very uncomfortable with it and ive been a gambler.

In a way you asked an impossible question to please you on. I dont know your relationship but Im not going to soft soap you that any secrets are good though. Recovery is a journey of self discovery like you are being born again.

Is there anyone else you can talk to for support? You know that a new love doesnt necessarily equal a cure for a gambling addiction. The tried and trusted advice here is that willpower alone is often not enough without some other support and monitoring.

New relationships is the most difficult of questions. Recently gambled and a new relationship is a difficult one to deal with on a recovery forum. Its your relationship and your decision. I know that secrets can only take you so far before they eat you up. People are not daft and they find out certain things anyway. Lets be frank about it...there is a point where we have a responsibility not to draw people into a web unless we are very open with ourselves and others.

Keep talking about it. I cant honestly tell you that secrets or witheld information is good in relation to a gambling addiction.

What would put you off a partner because there probably would be something? Would a love and strong bond overcome that and how would you know you really care about someone?

Best wishes to you

Thanks for your input and to be fair I ended up telling her about my prison sentence of 26 years ago and she was hugely shocked and frankly dumbfounded that I could have been involved in such a thing.She reacted by saying 'why did you tell me this as it hurt me' and with the benefit of hindsight I shouldn't have told her.Once I saw her reaction I knew for a fact that if I told her of my problem gambling that she would be gone.Forever.She then proceeded to say that 'she wanted no more bombshells' so irrespective of anyone's advice,I am not telling her about my gambling problem as she has now made it clear she can't take anymore 'home truths'.I don't buy into the theory that we must tell our partners as my experience is that when I have it leads to immediate distrust and I have never ever had any support as such from previous partners as they simply don't understand why I would choose to lose my money etc..and they don't get the illness pitch,they just think I am plain stupid.So I do appreciate your advice and time for my thread but enough is enough and I can't tell her the full extent of my problem EVER.I will tell her I used to gamble too much and gave it up and am confident that my worst days are behind me with the betting and NO I am not in denial.Recently I have been 'off' betting 6 months here and there with binges in between so I can stop and I haven't bet now for nearly 4 weeks and feel good.I have been off 60-80% of my adult life so I pray I can just stick at my recovery and not allow my history to determine my future.I may tell my girlfriend more detail in time and who knows I may tell her 'the story' but why would I? She has already indicated she likes me for who I am now so why dredge up the past? I thank god I didn't bet today and feel strong - I hope you and all in this forum feel good and wish you the best also!