Hi
I recently joined GamCare becasue I discovered a payday loan of £3000 (with interest and late payment charges equating to over £5500). My boyfriend completely denied the loan and led me to believe that somebody else had set the loan up in his name.
After hours of phoning the loans company to report it as fraud, an email pinged in my inbox.
Him confessing to an 18 month gambling addiction. My initial reaction was anger. However, after 2 days of solid tears and despair, i decided to offer him my help. We have been together for almost 5 years and I genuinely thought I knew every inch of his body - but I didn't. I was angry at myself for not noticing, angry at him for battling alone and most of all, angry at all the lies that he had told me.
I spent a whole evening researching for help and exploring his options and we spoke for hours about how we would get him better. The only solution I could think of to gain his trust back was to monitor his activity on his bank account - to which he agreed.
We later told his parents - who were also angry but came round to understanding. We agreed as a team that we would get through this together and find a way out. We all agreed that the best option was for me to monitor his account. We gave him to opportunity to confess to any other loans or financial commitments to which he denied.
After paying the loan off out of the money in our savnigs, the days passed and the plan had been changed - no counselling, no financial advice and no access to his accounts. Email passwords changed, the arguments started about trust issues. He just couldnt understand why I needed to help him by monitoring his account and getting counselling.
Three days later, our 5 year relationship was over. Just like that. He showed no emotion, no sorrow, no mercy. Nothing.
He let me sit there and cry and scream and panic. Nothing.
Since then - he has deleted all evidence of our relationship and is only communicating with me through my sister.
I am so so so heartbroken and I feel like he has seen this as an easy way out - getting gone of me will enable his addiction to continue. I don't know what to do and where to go?
I feel like the pain will never end.
Please someone tell me that he will get better without me?
Hi
Sorry to hear that you're having a terrible time at the moment.
It is an illness that changes how you view money and it takes over your life. The lies come very easy as being able to keep gambling is the most important thing.
I found counselling very helpful in getting to the reason why I gamble. Every week that goes by gets that bit easier but I always have to be careful. I have recently had a relapse but am dealing with it.
It seems to me as though he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. You found out about the loan. He didn't come to you for help. Monitoring the account would have been very helpful but it could be possible to get money from elsewhere. Open a different account and arrange another loan.
When I realised my gambling was out of control I found this site and got myself counselling. I gave up my debit card and was happy with carrying small amounts of cash. Every time I went out I had to make sure my card was not with me. There are betting shops everywhere.
He may well try to chase his losses. A gambler will never win in the long term. Hope that he realises soon what he has lost and gets the help he needs.
Best of luck to you both.
First of all you are not to blame.
Tonight in the chat room you shouldered some of the blame, wrongly IMO, he has chosen the path in which he wants to go.
Gav hits on a good point, you found out about the loan as opposed to him admitting to it, if you hadn't found out about it how long would it have continued?
It sounds like you still see a future with him IF he changes, at the moment that doesn't seem likely, he may come to his senses but how much time will have elapsed and will he leave it too late and lose you?
I would speak to his parents, sit them down over a cup of tea and explain what has transpired since the initial 'meeting', explain to them your leaving the door open in the hope he sees sense BUT you can't and won't wait indefinitely, you have a life to lead with or without there son.
They may be able to make him see sense.
There can be no future in a relationship if he can't be transparent, later in life if you were home owners you'd be forever looking over your shoulder not knowing your financial footing.
I gambled for 22 years, my partner put up with it as it was 'harmless fun' it was a vice that a working man was entitled to wasn't it?
How wrong that is, the gamblers who can control there betting are very few indeed, the compulsive gambling problem in this country is huge.
Defeating this is very hard, and I'd say almost impossible without some form of help, whether that's counselling, GA meetings, online forums, online chat or a combination of all - help is there and is required to aid recovery.
I wish you well, and hopefully you report some good news when updating your thread or in the chat room.
It was good speaking in chat earlier.
I can only repeat what I said there you can't stop for him he has to want to stop.
You need to know everything and you need him to honest about everything, something an active gambler is not very good quite the opposite. We will go to extreme lengths to hide it. It disgust me to think back about the deceiving and manipulating I did.
I dont know if you can get a credit report in his name but you must get one in your name. I imagine that is scary but is necessary.
I hope your counselling helps you on Wednesday. I admire you for wanting to stand by him and hope he stops gambling with his future but only time will tell and how much you can deal with only you can decide
Take care
KTF
Hi Gymbuni.
I feel for the pain you are going through at the moment. Its clear that in you, he had something good in his life.
The honest answer is that he wont get better without good people like you. The honest answer is that if he rejects you that is his problem
He runs and gambling is an escape for dreamers. I think hes not ready to give up and he certainly wasnt ready to go on being honest and open with you. A compulsive gambler must continue to prove themselves. They should know that its not about being treated like a baby. It seems he isnt ready to do everything necessary and maybe he just cant handle it. He may still be gambling and so ashamed that he has to do a runner and hide
I also have to say that you must protect your financial situation. Reading that I can only hope that your hard earned money didnt go into paying that debt. You will need to get a credit report in your name and protect any finances you have. You may have to cut all financial links
You will get great help on the partners section of this forum. Without knowing your relationship its so difficult to tell you to seperate the gambling and any other issues.
Yes you can love him but you must be fully aware of the power of a gambling addiction. You must be strong. You didnt cause it and you didnt run up the debt. You were lied to as thats what a gambling addiction does.
It may well be that he doesnt deserve you so dont lose sight of that. Keep some pride, individuality and mental well being
The dark fog will begin to lift when youve talked it through with people and got as much advice as you can.
Only you can make these decisions but you must not be "the bank" for any more gambling activity.
You will learn a lot on this forum
My very best wishes
duplicate post due to site delays...cant delete this box
Morning,
Not a nice story. As a CG who had hidden my addiction away for 3 years, I finally decided to confess to my wife only last week. I'm so glad I did! However I know telling her isn't the end of it, just the start of a new chapter in both our lives. She will be in charge of the purse strings, bank accounts, cards etc..... Something I have to deal with and accept.
From your opening post it appears all this happened in 3 days?? Either way the shock for him you finding out will have come as a big surprise. If I hadn't come clean I would have lied to find a way out. Your partner may have felt he couldn't do this, especially with things happening so quick. To walk away from the relationship was the "easy" option for him. I don't like to say it but I guess with all this stress and upset he is still gambling. When I was stressed gambling was my "drug" that made me feel better. For all you did to him I hope you can both at least talk.
I know my addiction made me grow apart from my wife. I work full-time, placing bets through the day, got home to watch sport placing more bets in the evening, it occupied my life, no time for normal family live. Weekend walks with the family my mind would stray to what sport was on later and my next betting schedule.
Like GAV1975 says, I don't think "your partner" has hit rock bottom yet, I agree. He could be chasing his losses trying to clear up the damage he's caused. A CG's messed up mind may be thinking "I can win it all back and start again", I've been there and you don't! Look where its got me.
Tonight I'm off to my 2nd GA meeting, this one allows the CG to take a family member of friend along. The only advice I can give you is to speak with your partner and offer him support even if you are not together tell him you are going to be there for him. I know I wouldn't be able to fight my addiction if it wasn't for my supporting wife.
All the best.
Sadly his own anger will push you away , I was in the same position as your boyfriend and made up some pathetic excuses to break up with my ex , not because I didn't love the bones of her , I was aware my gambling had got out of control and didn't want her to be part of it , truth is agmbling is such a huge addiction to break , especially if your chasing losses.
This will be a very exhausting time for you because your now wondering what you have done wrong , trust me he will be hurting more than you know , not only does if have this addiction , it is now forcing him to turn on the ones he loves.
The anger stage will soon turn to remorse and I suspect he will contact you in time.
Hi, GB,
The three Cs of being f&f of an addict: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. Don't drive yourself mad trying. Buy into that idea, otherwise you'll end up torturing yourself for no reason. If he gambles, it's down to him, it's not your job to prevent it and you can't anyway.
It's a huge shock for you, get all the help and support you need, from the helpline, from GamAnon, from friends.
Focus on you.
CW
Hi
Firstly, I want to thank everybody so much for their advice and sharing their experiences with me. Today has been somewhat easier after a session in the chatroom last night - I slept well and decided not to blame myself for all of this.
And one of the most comforting things is to know that he will probably see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately today he has cancelled our summer holiday, he has sent a message to all of our mutual friends about our separation and he has not contacted me in any way.
I dropped him a message yesterday to say that I still want to be involved in his recovery, that's if he will allow me to be. I have stressed to him so many times that I believe that he will get better and he just needs to help himself but the response I am recieving is that he never even knew me at all.
We sat his parents down together and told them about the problem - they too were in agreement that I needed some control over his finances - however the following day his Dad called me to say that I didn't have the right to snoop around his personal business. I think that my BF may have talked him around to letting him recover alone and unfortunately by his Dad agreeing, he thought my request was absurd. I personally believe that this is why we are over. But hey, blood is thicker than water.
Although my friends and family are being supportive, they are telling me to 'move on because im better without him'. Yes. I am definately better without him. But no I can't stop loving someone overnight. Hence why I am here.
I have got my session tomorrow morning at 9 with a counsellor so I will update the post afterwards.
Again, thank you so much for your support and openness - you really have made me realise that I have done all I can to help and it truly is up to him whether or not he takes me up on it.
GB x
Thats good. I hope its easing for you.
You have done all you can for him.
The way you are being rejected makes me feel you are much better off without him.
You have hit a brick wall there. Protect your own finances and good name. If he wants to reach out in future thats your call.
I dont know everything thats going on but you are better away from a gambler and Ive been one.
Take care and all the best
Hope your counselling went well. He said it all in saying you don't know him. You don't know his secret life of a compulsive gambler and for any relationship to work you need trust honest and transparency and you are not getting any of these from him.
Hard as it seems he had made his decision that he loves gambling more than you. Which I also did and regret that fact everyday now the gambling fog has cleared.
Take care
KTF
Hi everybody,
Just a quick update - the counselling session went well - time flew! For some reason I was really nervous beforehand but he made me feel at ease and I offloaded the situation to new ears.
After I had finished he picked up on a few things - the links between 'responsibilty' and the fact that his parents and I normally organise most things in his life. The initial reason I found the email was because I was trying to organise his car insurance!
He also picked up on the fact that he has manipulated his Dad into falling into the same trap I have been in for the past 12 months - hurt and lies. I suppose the threat of losing me isn't as strong as losing a roof over his head, so perhaps there is hope?
One of our mutual friends contacted me today - and she said I need to support him. If only she could see the person in front of me at the weekend, was not the one I loved so passionately for so long.
I know I need to move on for my sake and I will try so very very hard - but in the pit of my stomach I still have a tiny feeling of hope.
My counsellor was very thankful that everyone online was here to offer support and guidance.
I know you might think that being a current or previous CG is negative - but believe me, without these comments on here my head would be all over the place.
TY x GB x
Hi Gymbuni,
Glad to hear the counsilling went well. It's nice to have friends or mutual friends who can offer support, however I people on this forum are CGs and partners/wifes of CGs who know first hand what it is like to be an addict and also live and support one.
You mention your love for this individual, of course you cannot fall out of love overnight, but in your heart do you think he has been honest with you from his debt just being the pay day loan? I'm a CG and a pay day loan would have been a last resort for me! Give the separation time, hope his parents or somebody else is watching his finances. You did nothing wrong finding the email, it could have been the start of the recovery, but no he's decided to go the other way and run from his troubles. Just think if you hadn't have found the email and you were planning a wedding or buying your home the debts could have been 10 times the size they are now. Your life goes on, you've done nothing wrong, your love was there and a helping hand and it was slapped back in your face. Take a step back and say to yourself "you did what you could" but no-way blame yourself for any of this. Stay in touch with him and his parents, just to ask howthings are going. A broken heart will heal.....
Wishing you all the best, please keep updating your page. TY.
Glad the session went well, hopefully you got out of it what you needed.
I'm guessing you get on well, or did, with his parents?
Is it feasible to pop round there when you know your ex won't be there for a chat, let them know the heartbreak there son has caused, you love him but could not continue in a relationship when he was hiding things from you, your not the bad person here as you've done nothing wrong, and despite the fact he has gambled away joint savings you are still leaving the door open...for now?
Don't know if thats something you've thought about but it would be an opportunity to get your viewpoint across, he has obviously convinced them that you were controlling possibly and the relationship wasnt working so he gambled out of stress?
If nothing else, it will give you some closure as you will know from there body actions/comments/general atitude towards you if they think you are to blame?
IF that were to happen, leave with your head held high, it was/is NOT your fault, they will see at some point in the future the truthful side, and that you were the innocent one, I guarantee that will happen if he doesn't seek help.
Debt only grows whilst gambling.
re the mutual friend, possibly he's co-erced them into talking to you? Is this the first pangs of guilt?
Possibly you will be able to gauge this from talking to his parents?
Do NOT pursue him though, he may lie his way back into your arms thinking he has you wrapped around his finger.
Insist any future relationship would be on your terms, which includes being open about finances.
Had you not found that email, you would be oblivious and he would still be living that double life, racking up more debt, that potentially you would shoulder jointly.
I wish you well, and hope you continue to post if you think it helpful?
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