I've took the first step.....I have a problem and I've told my family

I have just read your diary with both a tear and a smile! Well done!

I have found the posts from others really helpful and supportive. I am only at day 4 gf but I am proud of what I have achieved so far. But even more so of the strength of my partner. Long may it continue for us both.

Sarah I’m humbled that you took the time to read my diary . It’s the same as many other stories on here and probably similar to yours ! Keep going you can’t do any more than you are now with regards to days clean and honesty

I have just realised I got he gf days today. So actually I’m 7days today!

Well done love...it's been a tough week....but you've got through it..
Keep plodding on....try to enjoy the weekend....be kind to yourself....x

Thanks loxxie,

I am powering on today. All stuff to do with dmp. Phone calls etc. Just trying to ensure I get it right. The logistics of it all really. The moving of dd is going to be a mare!

I’m so grateful for your kind words these past few days. I want to know I’m extremely grateful. The fog is still with me but some of the smog has lifted if that makes sense. I am an intelligent person and I intend to fight this with everything I have.

Some of the relationships I have damaged may never be repairable. But for now I’m concentrating on me, my partner and my son.

Together me and partner have more or less sorted the dmp. Well our bit at least. Going through each debt was hard today. The reality of what I had done with nothing to show for it except lies, deceit and pain. In 2years and 10 months the financial aspect will be over.

I am all too aware that my damaged relationship not only with my partner but other family members will take years or maybe never.

I am still ashamed and when I am alone find myself locking the door and just sitting....pondering....I am angry with myself for being such an idiot! I know it’s early days but I am 100% commited to this!

All perfectly normal feelings love....
The fog /mist makes perfect sense ....I remember feeling like I had flu....it's all a shock to you're system ....I spent days just feeling
Blahhhh .....so go with the flow...it's amazing what you and hubby have acheived...in days...
I hear what yoyre saying about relationships.....I can't guarntee what will happen....all I can say...is a couple of mine have only returned to normal in the last 12 months....the awkward moments have gone...it really does ....just take time...
You're feelings of guilt etc....you're going to feel like that for a while....but you have to let those feelings go....it's past...
I'm not being flippant about it all...I'm just trying to get across. ...it's not the end of the world ...
My addiction....in a weird sort of way....best thing that happened to me.....I'm a far better person than I was before it got a grip on me..
And all my relationships with those who matter.....are much more cherished now....
Jeez....I'm c**P with writing what I mean....lol....
Hope you get the drift....
And huge respect for the fight you've put up so far....
You'll be just fine ....x

Hi Sarah, what a tough week, but you have survived it, well done. Does your partner know everything? Make sure he does, cos you don't want any surprises in the future that will break down the trust you will be trying to rebuild....it is all about honesty and openness now. Personally I have found GA meetings a blessing; tough to walk through the door the first time, but now I would not want to be without them. Ours have a meeting once a week that partners, family and friends can attend; those that do say how much they have learnt. As gamblers we cannot understand why we do it...it is even harder for our loved ones to ***. They need support too. Just take it one day at a time; as you stay gamble free, life will get better.

Today is an emotional day....today is the day I start my diary!

Today has been a better day. No thoughts of checking in online. Still repulses me when I think of the time I spent playing.

Been at work today. This always helps me. I love my job. Partner had made tea when I got in, run me a bath. Life almost felt normal.

We sat down and chatted whilst I was a member on chat. He asked questions, I answered them.

I then read him my diary. He knows I have been writing it but never asked once to read it.

Somehow by reading it I was able to say things I would never have been able to say out loud.

I felt comfortable reading it to him. In a weird way this last week has been such a turning point in our relationship. A relationship that all be it a great one had lost the conversation. Had lost its closeness.

We have been together 14 years yet today I opened up like never before.

Like I have said. This first part of my recovery is about me, him and our little boy. The two people who mean the world to me.

I’m off work this next week. So I expect it to be difficult. But just for tonight my heart rate is normal, I’m not crying, I’m just being me.

Try not to beat yourself up about the situation.

Gambling is a really bad illness and is extremely hard to overcome.

The lies , chasing , emotions which trigger gambling are all linked.

My advise is get some counselling , it's free , once a week and helps massively.

Also block and self exclude from the online websites you use to gamble , most offer 5 year self exclusion.

Two massive turning points are counselling and self exclusion.

Thanks John,

I have excluded myself for 5 years.

I have also been speaking to a counsellor via phone as no one to one appointments available.

I am determined! Strangely enough in other areas of my life ie work I’m a very strong motivated person.

You will find a lot of people on here are usually strong , motivated business people.

Escaping from the real world after stress , upset always leads me to gamble for that buzz.

The feeling of losing far outweighs any winning and I personally need to tell myself that in order to recover.

Over these last few months even years perhaps.... I didnt even enjoy the gambling when I really “think” about it. I was miserable. But an alone miserable. At least at the min my family know why I’m so emotional.

I don’t even know why I felt the need to escape! I had a great home life and a job all be it stressful...one that I throughly enjoy.

I suppose it’s the nature of this horrid addiction. I’m repulsed that I let it grip me.

Hi Sarah.

Like you I have a good job a son and a steady relationship. I have no reason or financial need to gamble. What started off as a few free bets with online betting apps spiralled out of control I’ve probably lost near to 3 thousand pounds in two years I’m lucky that it’s not left me in crippling debt I suppose This week I have self excluded with blocking software and gamstop joined the forum and tried to speak in the chat room Currently when I think about the money I’ve lost I feel ashamed and angry I know the house always wins...... didn’t stop me though I just feel disgusted and really angry with myself tonight not one urge to gamble