I've took the first step.....I have a problem and I've told my family

Ah right thanks loxxie I didn’t realise x

Hello, I entered the DMP on my own as all debts were in my name only.

Would your partner considor counselling for himeself? mine wouldnt but i think it would of helped him massively.

this is a post I wrote 24hrs ago but it wouldn’t let me post....see below

Yep it is !! :))

So last night was horrible the 8th...my partner spoke little more than three words to me all night. I didn’t push him. I laid next to him with silent tears running down my face, my heart beating so fast I could physically see it and feel it. My eye lids that swollen it hurt to shut them. I fell asleep sometime in the early hours. I woke with the same feelings but a little less intense. I put on my “normal” body as I call it and did the school run. At home now having collected all the letters I have received regarding my debt over the years. Three carrier bags full! The odd things is they were hidden in a sense but only in the corner cupboard in the kitchen. Perhaps on a subconscious level I wanted them to be found. Then came the post 9th Oct. what dropped through the door but advertisement for a site I have never even used. Offering this and that. I instantly felt anger and resentment. I ripped it up and held tight whilst I wrote this post. I hate my addiction and what it has caused me to become. I hate myself for allowing this to happen.

I haven’t seen my partner since the morning of the 9th when he left for work. He chose to stay at work until I had left for my night shift. He was gone again this morning before I arrived home. I know he went to my dads last night. I don’t know the details but my dad told me he’s doing as well as can be expected. I did text him last night from work. Just a little I love you and I know your angry message. I couldn’t help it. I do love him so much. I know I have betrayed an extrodinary man. Out of all of this it’s the shame, anger, guilt I feel for my family which is the worst. I am relieved that I am no longer gambling, no longer having to lie to everyone. But the physical pain i feel is unbearable. I don’t know if I will see him again before I go back to work tonight. I left him the workings out in a simple format on the table regarding the dmp if he chooses to stick with me. Seeing it in black and white puts in to perspective just how much I was loosing on this horrid addiction.

It all take's time Sarah , there's no quick fix that will make everything great again overnight , we don't get this mess in an instant so it figures that we won't get out of in the same manner .

Your partners hurting as it's a massive shock to the system and it will take awhile before it all sink's in and he begins to come around , I suspect like most people youv'e had the hump with him at some point in your relationship and maybe not spoken for a while ? well imaginge this a 100 fold and tyou can begin to understand why he's being frosty ?.

You can only take this one day at a time and deal with what's in front of you in any given moment , thing's will improve and clarity will return . it'll never be the same but you need change to move forward so it's achance to rebuild properly and make your future much better .

Alan x

Hey love...hang on in there...it's bound to be tense and horrible at home for a while...remember...ha addicts have known about the destruction we've caused for ages....our partner's and families ..when they find out...it's often out of the blue...so they need to process it all....I remember feeling ...once my secret was out...sort of like..." right...that's it..you all know...we'll do abc to sort the xyz...and everything will be fine by tommorrow "
But it's not like that love...personally my advice would be to back of hubby for a bit...give him space to process it all...
Be ready to answer anything as best you can....and do the things you need to do to show him you're serious about fighting you're addiction...
I also had vochers etc from sites I played on....it's all a way of trying to suck you back in. ...they know how to pull the strings of addicts.
Look after yourself....it can feel like you've had the stuffing kicked out of you in the early days...it's all a process....and time will ease it all....I'm sure hubby will be ready to talk soon ....use us guys on here for support ....I found I was here 24/7 to start with...xc

Thank you for you replies. You’re right there is no quick fix to my lies and deceit. The time and effort over the years it has took to get us in this mess will take years to overcome. My partner and I sat down yesterday and talked. Again you’re all right. The money is gone but thankfully for me this amazing man is willing to stand by my side and try to salvage something from our relationship. He did need time to comprehend everything. There were questions that I could not answer but I told him and I mean it. I am prepared to work with counselling services for as long as it takes to see if I can un pick and understand it myself. He has asked to attend some sessions with me. I genuinely can not believe the strength of this man. I know this is the beginning of a long road. Just setting up the dmp is daunting and this is just the practical side of my mess. My addiction has left me in ruin. I am at rock bottom. I’m physically exhausted and mentally drained. However, I will try with every breath I take to be better. This forum has given me a place to come when I have nowhere else to go and for that I am also grateful.

Hi I went through a DMP and for me was still gambling so don’t make the same mistake . I did finish it and it did affect my credit file quite badly . However the last 10 months it’s gone to perfect on Experian and I now have access to a new mortgage product that means I can now progress to the next house . One thing that did catch me out on the DMP. I had a card with Argos and had agreed payments . When I had more money I paid more to the plan so proportionally Argos got a higher payment each month . Unknown to me , they actually classed that as a missed payment as the figures didn’t match , irrespective of it being more . So unfair and it’s held me back as they put it down as missed payments on my file . The financial ombudsman ruled in favour of me but it still hasn’t changed this on my file . The DMP takes a lot of pressure off and will give you extra money . Don’t gamble with it !

Thank you Brian for offering your advice. I sincerely mean it when I say I AM DONE! This road has held me back for too long! My family deserve far more! My partner is opening a fresh account and we are going to have everything going in and coming out of that. I will have no control. This is my way of giving my partner reassurance that he needs. I am committed to this 100%. With me not gambling our future is very bright. X

It’s easy to stop . Staying stopped is the difficult bit . For me it was a realisation that I couldn’t keep doing this to myself month after month . In a very short space of time you will have more disposable income than you would have ever thought . It means that you don’t need to gamble (what your head tells you ) to buy things as without gambling you can buy them anyway . It’s a real viscous circle and means that for years you never have any money . As soon as you get money you gamble . When you lose you try and get more money to win back what you have lost . Then repeat . This isn’t necessary after a few good weeks of stopping . It means you are going to see the benefits and hopefully less likely to go back to it . There is also a lot of soul searching you need to continue doing to move you from being a gambler who has stopped to a non gambler . Big difference between the two

Thanks Brian. I have been on the rollacoster you describe for over 10 years. I have had periods before where I have not gambled. I have cleared debts and then built them back up. This time is different, feels different. I am different. It’s taken until I’m at rock bottom but I want to change. I don’t want to lie anymore. I know this is the start of my recovery. A journey I am willing to commit to. I will not have access to the bank account. I don’t want access to it. I am currently speaking with a Councellor via phone as there are no one to one appointments until Next week. My vice has always been online. I have put stops and blocks in place. X

Being a compulsive person isn’t always a bad thing with our character if we channel it into something positive . Relationships , work , hobbies we can be pretty unstoppable when we try ! I would suggest you become compulsive and borderline obsessive with this website . I was for the first few months constantly on here . Read some people’s diaries from start to finish . That will help you I promise . Good luck and I will be following your progress with hope and interest

Hello,

Happy to read your partner is willing to work with you and it's sounds like you are getting your blocks in place.

I think it's coming up to 6 months gamble free now so still recent enough to remember all those feelings you have. It does get better. For me I think I now feel in a much better place emotionally then even before I started gambling.

I did have a few rough months with husband even though he stuck with me. He wouldn't go to counselling for himself which I think would of helped him massively. How could he understand when I didnt myself.

Counselling helped me loads and I did discuss the outcomes of my sessions with my husband which did give him some understanding of my triggers. We have both worked hard to address these and I am so grateful and fortunate that he wanted to. I wouldn't have blamed him. If he had decided to walk away.

I guess our journey's are different even though they will follow a similar path. I wish you well on your journey.