I had a great opportunity but blew it and is it too late?

Hi there gbhsi1,

Welcome to the Forum!

Thank you for posting such a heartfelt and honest account of your situation. It can't have been easy, especially if you feel so much shame. You talk about depression, about the feeling that you are destroying your life and about feeling that you are a failure.

Focusing your thoughts on what you "could have" and "should have" is not going to be helpful to you. You just didn't and that's all. You can "fix" things by moving forward differently, but you cannot "fix" your problem by making anything undone.

The beautiful things life has to offer are still there, and they are still there for you to see and go after. This would mean for you to make changes though and such changes could be to start being open and honest with the people around you. Maybe your girlfriend would be more devestated by the negative impact gambling and secrecy has on your relationship than by actually knowing what is going on and by being given an opportunity to support you in making changes? You don't know until you try.

You have started to address your finances and you have started to accept that you have a problem which you would like to deal with. You can do that and you can work on being OK again.

Give us a call on the HelpLine, if you like 0808 8020 133 or contact us on the NetLine http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VkB87i1FCfI

We can talk your situation through with you and give you some advice regarding practical strategies which could help you stop as well as talk about other sources of support which are available to you. There is nothing shameful in plucking up the courage to change your life around. And you have started to do just that. Well done!

Kind wishes

Gabriele

Thanks for your reply - it's the guilt that's eating me away as to why have I done this. I know I can't change what I've done but it's hard now to get it undone. I can afford to pay everything back at a reasonable APR but these credit cards are just making it near impossible - I know this is nobodies fault but my own but I want to fix it! But at what cost...possibly losing my partner....? The fear at the moment is just too great now...maybe it's the wrong thing to do ...I don't know

Hi. Yes it can be fixed but unfortunately it can't be done overnight and there will be lots of highs and lows along the way. If you contact the Gamcare helpline they will point you towards organisations that can help with your debt issues. Try not to let the shame you feel overwhelm you. No one is perfect - and we all have weaknesses after all. Things may feel impossible at the moment but there is lots of help and support on here. It can be done if you really want it.

Hi there buddy !. First of all don't consider yourself a failure !, youv'e already succeded by coming here and admitting you have a problem , so a big well done for that my friend .

The money as you say , " is all relative to your circumstances " but it is just money all the same . Given time it can be repaid , if you need help dealing with it talk to the gamcare team who will point you in the right direction .

I think personally you do need to tell your partner about the debt ?. A t some point it will come to light , maybe you can hide it for a while but not for ever and it will be much better her finding out from you than in some other way .

Telling my partner and my kids what I had done, was one of the most difficult yet empowering things I've gone through .

You see by not having to cover up money issues or lie about why I was having mood swings all the time , it allowed me to move on from the dark place I was living , I was lucky , I got the support and love I needed to go forward in recovery and for that I will be eternally gratefull !.

You will, as I did, have to expect that it may not go well but that is something you will have to deal with if and when it happens ?

I'm sorry if this comes accross as harsh but as the saying goes " The truth shall set you free" . Youve been truthfull on here and to yourself and you owe that to your girlfriend ? .

I really do hope you get the support of those around you and that you get on that road to recovery , don't beat yourself up , we all make mistakes , we just need to learn from them !.

Best wishes for now and keep posting so we know how your getting on ............... Alan Compulsive Gambler

Okay so struggling with what I did already in the past..today I was all alone in my flat as my girlfriend sometimes works weekends and I decided to deposit £25 into an online betting account (maybe I can make some money back to ease the debt)..of course I didn't win and again feel that immense shame. I stopped for a full week and promisd myself enough is enough if I want my life and sanity back but I'm struggling because I failed and also I have the ability to pay my debts back albeit at a very high interest rate on the credit cards so not really making much of a dent and nobody out there will help me get a loan at a reasonable rate as I can afford to pay back...so I'm panicking, of course, that this will take me a long time to pay back (my debt). I have spoken to national debt helpline and they said they can't help me as I have some expendable income. I don't understand why my own bank can't even help me, I made a mistake! I want to rectify it! Credit cards are strangling me with their interest rates...I can't win.

Hi again , sorry about the relapse , don't beat yourself up !.

Your clinging to the belief we all have that one more bet and everything will dissapear, all the problems will be solved ?

They won't !. As you've just proved to yourself my friend .

The only way it will stop , is when you stop gambling , its that easy !

You should have had all these sites blocked by now ? , if your serious about giving up ,everything to prevent you betting needs to be in place , that means no easy access and no open doors !.

As for the debt , have you considered stepchange ?, you always here good reports on this company coming from the forum !. I think the reason the banks won't help , is the fact that all the time you rely on credit cards for purchases and don't pay much back ,they've got you hooked, they can look at a credit score and see you have multiple cards on the go , why would they the allow you a cheap low rate loan , when they have you paying 20% plus ?. I know coz I had the same problem

Iwas lucky in the fact that a good friend loaned me money to pay back the cards , a couple of months later , hey presto ! the offers of 0% on bal transfers started coming in . In the end I was offered 3.9% for the life of the loan , so you see what I mean ?.

If you still haven't told your partner I really think you should as maybe she could do something to help ?.

Sorry to be harsh Buddy , but It's time to have a rummage around and find a pair ! . You know this is gonna happen time and again unless you let your losses go and change your life !

Please contact gamcare regarding the debt as I'm sure they will point you in the right direction ,,

Best wishes for now , things will change for you , but you have to accept that change ..........Alan , Compulsive Gambler

Some really vital advice from Alan there! Just do it pal. Stop the bs and realise it's over. Move forward. It's tough but the other option is tougher. Good luck.

Hi,

I'm from the other side of the fence. My husband is a CG, now in recovery.

The bad news: My husband hid it for years, he never told me, he left my children and I to find out the hard way. Presumably he had similar reasons to you but it makes the whole thing a whole lot more damaging. I see it as cowardice on his part, it's hard for me to regain respect. And he has very little self respect. Not easy.

The good news: There are plenty of others on the forum who have told, they all report what a relief it was to tell. And even my husband said it was a relief for him when his gambling came to light!!

If you want to stop, it's what you do that will change things. Not what you think you'll do or what you'd quite like to do or what you promise that you'll do. It's what you actually do. I have stayed because I can see what he is doing. He gave me financial control, he cooperated with all barriers, he doesn't have a smartphone, his computer is blocked. And he attends GA meetings.

Hope this helps, wish you well.

CW

I know it's what I do that will change things and I will do it. I'm not sure what you mean about being a coward..it's not that at all! This would probably hurt her very much and I've put things in place to start paying the debt back. It's true that I do have to tell my other half as she deserves to know and I'm not disputing that. I want to make sure that I will stop the gambling for good and the days that I've not makes me feel like it's changing which can only mean gambling isn't worth it. I too know that I can't get rid of the debt tomorrow or the day after but I will pay it off, every last penny the right way and in a few months I have the capability to get rid of the bigger interest credit card by a loan through my credit union..but only in a few months when I've finished paying a smaller loan with them. And I have disposable income which will go towards the credit cards..pay it off quicker. I will beat this!

Hi Buddy , It's good to see you looking ahead , regarding the debt , its not easy and all seems so daunting at the beginning , thats why you need the one day at a time approach , just deal with it in bite size chunk's , then it wont seem so bad .

I dont think " coward" is the right word to use eighther, its one of the hardest things to do coming clean , and requires a lot of guts , and you are the only one to do it , if and when your ready .

Take care for now Alan

Yes it's hard coming clean and it's harder going through clearing the debt. I had many times before chances to quit and on some occasions my parents helped out, then promised myself I'd never do it, paid them back but still did it again..so I've disappointed a lot of people in my life including myself but this time there is no more help ..I have to acknowledge and take responsibility so these debts are mine to fix and I will fix it..no easy bailouts even though that would help me pay quicker. So I guess it's a hard lesson this time round and yes it's a hard lesson indeed. If only I could turn back the clock but I can't.

Alan is completely right about coming clean. All the time you think you can beat this alone you are kidding yourself.

I can tell you from experience that is both the hardest and the best thing I ever did when it came to facing up to the problems. You need someone to be accountable to as the weight of the struggle is far too much to bear alone.

Good luck with the recovery and keep posting as often as necessary to stay strong!

Hi mate , guess who ? LoL !. Everyone of us on here has dissapointed someone at some point where our gamblings concerned , so your not alone and don't beat yourself up over it , It's done , you cant change that , so let it go .

I have so many regrets through things I've done , people I've lied to , so don't even get me started on that one .

It now becomes about the way you handle your future , the foundation you lay down today, affects what you build for yourself tommorow and how strong you make that foundation , well ! thats up to you !

I truly believe that youve made your mind up that you really want to stop , your main issue that seems to be your sticking point is the debt ?. You have to accept that , yes its there and yes its all your doing, as with us all you have to find a way to repay that debt over time . Dont expect it to happen overnite , you have to live a life now , you have to be able to pay for day to day expense and have some fun along the way .

Have you contacted stepchange yet ? Or the gamcare team for advice on maybe a payment plan?. Whatever you do to repay what you owe , it has to be at a rate that allows you to have a life , if it takes 5,6,8,10 years then so be it .

This is why I keep asking about you telling your partner , ok , she didnt ask for this and yes, its not her debt but she is your partner , the person you choose to spend your life with and at times like this thats what you will need , someone by your side .thats what sharing is , the good times and the bad and you will find it much easier to deal with , if she is activly involved in your recovery .

I'm sorry I cant say it any other way , Its not easy, nothing worth having ever is, . Yeah ! sure, there are risks , I dont know what your relationship is like , strong or not ? But then again your used to taking risks , gambling with your future but if this one comes off , you'll have the biggest payout of your life !.

I'm trying to guide you here buddy , thats all , offer advice , what you choose to do with it only you can decide , tell me to pizz off ,if you want ? I won't be offended and I'm still here for a chat when you need one !!.

Deal with each day as it comes good buddy !!..

Best wishes for now ........ Alan

Hello again,

I didn't intend to cause offence to you by the earlier post but I'm afraid that I did see my husband's failure to tell me about his gambling as cowardice, that's my perspective, my opinion of the failure to tell me, rather than of the gambling itself. No doubt it's hard to confess, but in our case our eldest was sorting out his finances for uni, he went into the bank during study leave and found out from some indifferent bank clerk that his savings account was empty. My husband knew the bank trip was planned and his confession at least would have spared our eldest that indignation.

Everyone's different but I assure you that what really hurts the f&f is the lies. I didn't want to be protected from the awful truth, I just wanted to know what was going on so that I could deal with it. Not telling me wasn't protection. My eldest wanted to believe that his money was safe because his father had said so but even at that late stage, the slow realisation that the money had gone was worse for us than a confession would have been.

I'm not saying all this just to send you on a guilt trip but rather to give you a - possibly unwelcome - perspective from the other side, which might be useful. Also, you can't hide the gambling forever, my husband managed 20 years but even then we found out. Recovery takes honesty, as well as all the other measures. Show her what you're doing to tackle the problem.

I hope it all works out,

CW