I have just joined here because I am so desperate to be heard that it hurts, to the point where my mind and body are in agony as a result of me gambling on slot machines.
I understand that I turned to gambling 20 years ago, a result of escaping the hurt of daily physical and sexual abuse from the age of 5 to 16. I had worked earning £20,000 per year and had to declare myself bankrupt back in 2002. My health has deteriorated both physically and severe depression (have been on antidepressants from the age of 17 till present, I’m now 40). I live on benefits and run up £10,000 debt on credit cards mainly through gambling on slot machines, both online and at bingo halls. 16 months ago I inherited £60,000, and paid off the £10,000 credit card debt. I thought the £50,000 would financial security for life, but no. Just 16 months later, I had gambled the £50,000 and also run up another £13,000 debt on credit cards. How could I be so incredibly stupid, £63,000 gambled on slot machines and bingo in just 16 months? I wear the same cheap clothes, month after month and have never been on holiday. I hate myself so much, for being so stupid, I cannot work due to my health, yet I just gambled away my inheritance, something that could have been a cushion for life. With every ounce of my pathetic being I wish more than anything in the world that I could turn back the clock for 16 months and everything would be alright. I so desperately wish I could do this but I can’t. I have to live knowing I have been such a stupid foolish idiot and I now hate myself so much that it hurts. I feel so ashamed, so horribly ashamed. I easily forgive others that have hurt me, but I just cannot begin to forgive myself. I know the reality that I cannot stop myself, and that fills me we terror and dread.
Thank you most sincerely for taking the time to read this, I just so desperately needed to voice my feelings.
I wish everyone all the very best in life.
Kind regards, and best wishes, Pete
I hear you Pete!
Things are obviously pretty desperate for you @ the moment but you are stronger than most people I know, you are a survivor of child abuse, don't give up now! Money can't make you happy but you can get help to manage your pain!
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/users/21246pjc
I'm not sure if that will work but Day by day by 21246pjc says he has contact details of a specialist in this area who you may find helpful to get in touch with?
The Samaritans are there 24/7 if you need to talk: 116123
Hopefully now that you have found the site, you will be able to lean on the support that it can offer to give yourself the best chance possible of a brighter future - ODAAT
Hi Pete
Welcome to the Forum.
First off let me say well done for coming here and admitting you have a problem, it's never easy I know.
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you at the moment but quitting gambling now will have a hugely positive effect on your life. I know it's painful losing a large sum of money as I have done this myself, but it won't help to dwell on what has happened. The only way is to put it behind you and use it to motivate you to stop gambling. As soon as you do this you can get your life back on track and things will start to get better.
52 days ago I made the decision to stop gambling and I can honestly say my only regret is not doing it sooner. Stick with it Pete things will only get better.
Wishing you all the best.
Silver
Have you read some of the other posts too Pete? Considered counselling and / or GA?
Hi Pete,
Welcome to GC! I hear you very clearly and so glad you found the voice to shout for help. Absolutely vital move to start the journey in bettering your life.
As others said, there is loads of help out there, reach out, accept it, start working on forgiveness.
It all starts from within, if you won't let past demons go, they will keep crawling out and hurting you. You truly matter the most and even if your past been destroyed by horrible animals, don't let it affect your future! You deserve to feel good, smile and surround yourself with peace. You're truly strong enough to keep making those steps forward.
Gambling is nasty addiction with false promises. Same as alcohol, drugs..anything what gives ya sense of escape but bites back with shocking consequences.
Take a step back. Have a deep breath, look around you. You're here & fighting! Money will come and go. Debts can be cleared in time, remember there is no easy way out, everything takes time but with the support anything is possible!
Feel very proud for asking for help! GC offers free counselling, please contact them! You can text Samaritans if find it easier communicating this way on phone 07725 909090, or email them on [email protected] which is way cheaper option.
I used their services few years ago and they were very helpful in the hour of need. Most importantly - don't suffer in silence. There is a way out and by kindness to yourself, talking the pain out & accepting help you can change your life only for the better.
It's never too late - one day at a time ☺
Keep posting! You're not alone!
S x
Pete
You are not alone. Many people turn to gambling for various reasons. I have been a prolific gambler for many years after early additions to drugs.
As a child my father abused me, and I blocked this out for many years. Continously moving from addiction to addiction. My inability to ever stop or to switch addictions has driven me to find the reason why. Surpressed memories have surfaced and now I realise that my earlier issues need addressing - I cannot run any more.
It is working, and it will work for you. Forget the money, forget the things you could have bought - they are only things.
Tackle your demons head on - you have lived a childhood of secrets and lies, and carried those same things into adult life as it is all you know.
It is not an easy subject and it is not something that needs to be made public (unless you want it to). The counselling you will receive teaches you to deal with your past, but leave it in the past. YOU are not a bad person, YOU are not to blame, and whilst you feel guilt over your behaviour, dealing with your past will give you the confidence to tackle this head on.
I am not sure if I can past the link here, but if you google 'male survivors trust' you will find them, it similar to here - people share their stories and the guy running it will look after you.
Please do this Pete - you will be heard
Good luck my friend
Hi Pete so very sorry to hear about the terrible abuse done to you, I hear you. Your not alone. There's great advice and support on here. You deserve happiness and peace. Best wishes Lu x
Dear ODAAT - Silver lining – triangle – hopeful soul – 21246pjc – Lulubobs 1966
I would like to say thank you to each individual one of you for reading my post. I will admit that I was overwhelmed by each of your individual posts, showing such kindness, empathy, acknowledging me and your truly sincere support. I really can’t find the words to express my appreciation to each individual one of you.
Thank you most sincerely, you should all be so proud of yourselves.
Kind and warm regards
Pete
Pete - the journey has begun.
You will always find a kind word and support on this site, but ultimately it is you that needs to make the right decisions and take action.
Posting here is the first step and acknowledging you need help.
Have you decided how and where you are going to go for further help ?
Dont give up!
Hello Pete123,
Well done on joining the forum and posting your introduction here. If you like, you can start a recovery diary in the recovery diary section, if that helps you to maintain your use of the peer support that you can find here on the forum.
You mentioned that you're on antidepressants, please allow your GP to monitor your well-being especially if you are finding your depression more challenging to manage. Your GP may be able to refer you for talking treatments like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is a regarded as an evidence-based therapy for depression.
You posted about your debt issues; some of our forum users have posted positive feedback about using free professional debt advice services like the National Debtline 0808 808 4000, StepChange 0800 138 1111 or PayPlan 0800 280 2816.
How do you feel about self-excluding from the bingo halls and gambling websites? Some of our users who are stopping online gambling choose to use blocking filters like gamblock, betfilter, gamban, or parental controls, to make it less easy to open up other gambling accounts on impulse. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software
If you'd like to find out details about free counselling services you could use to support your recovery from problem gambling, do feel welcome to talk with an adviser on our freephone 0808 8020 133 or Netline.
Take care,
Forum Admin.
Hi Forum Admin.
Thank you for reading my post, and for your kind reply containing useful information along with contact details.
Most highly appreciated, thank you.
Kind regards, Pete123
Hi Pete123,
Just read your thread and want to wish you well on your recovery journey. Support is vital when beating this as not only is there the initial money loss to deal with, but the emotional and relationship effect that gambling can cause. Speaking to supportive folk on here and using the Gamcare helpline, forum and chat rooms are an extremely good idea. Gamcare arranged councilling for me which was very helpful.
I know it is tough but let the money go. You have the rest of your life to earn that back and then some. Money gone is a drop in the ocean in comparison but only if you stop now. Break the time money location triangle. Fill your time up with alternatives, don't allow access to any money to gamble with (I cut up, scratched three digits and froze my credit and debit cards and called my bank to set limits on withdrawals and to block any gambling transactions). Self exclude to break location, you can do that for online and local bookies, bingo halls and casinos. I also installed K9 and put router blocks so everything is airtight! If you can't gamble, you won't gamble. But most important, confide in a close friend, family or partner as the support is essential. You've made amazing steps in wanting to sort this out. Remember you can never go back to ever gambling again, no matter how small, as we are all one bet away from the problem re-occurring. If you don't have the means to gamble you won't. If you leave the door open, at some point a gamble will occur and it will get progressively worse.
It really is a tough journey and you will go through a range of emotions! But remember the great steps you are taking and how you are trying to make your life and the life of those who surround you better. The self loathing will go, the roller coaster of emotion will go as you are not having extreme dopamine fixes and soon you will reach equilibrium. I think it took me around 100 days and now I hate the gambling industry for the way it can effect a small minority of gamblers such as ourselves. But I take full responsibility for my actions and my actions from 280 odd days ago onwards will put this right.
Take care, keep posting. Abettertomorrow!
Hello and welcome, just wanted to say your not alone and you will find lots of help and support on this site. You do have to draw a line under the losses as you will be driven back to gambling trying to recover the losses if you don't. Read some of the diaries on here for ideas. Best wishes x
Dear Abettertomorrow and Anon100
Thank you both kindly for reading my post, and taking the time to reply. I really appreciate the kind words of wisdom and support. Thanks again.
Kind regards, Pete123
Hi everyone, I would just like to share an update from my first origional post; dated 08-11-2016. I was so incredibly greatful for the kind replies that I had received; I trully felt herd at a vulnerable point. Needless to say that my initial attempts were in vein, as I was just not ready. Hence me no longer posting to this forum. However....
Three things that I have done since my origional post:
1) Attended Psychotherapy - Extremely emotionally painful (words cannot describe), but so rewarding.
2) Contacted Step-Change for help - I now pay my creditors an equall token gesture and keep lines of communication open with both them and Step-Change.
3) I attend GA meetings - My first GA meeting was on the 2nd October 2017. I have attended every week (the only exception being on two seperate occassions, recovering from two different operations).
Whilst I am at the very early stage of recovery (It being a life time commitment) I am so proud to have got to this point. However, I feel that Gambling is like a shadow behind me; ready to grab me by the throat and pull me back at any given time. So barriers are in place, and I keep my guard up fully and then some.
Thank you again for all the previous comments of understanding, support and advice.
Kind regards, Pete123
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
