Just starting in recovery

Hi, 

so just want to share my strong and look for some advice/feedback and help staying strong. 

So I’ll start from the beginning,

I started gambling when my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, nothing too crazy, not that much a month and then stopped, could take it or leave it didn’t really bother me, saw it as fun. 

Then once the baby was here and I think with the pressure of money I went back on again, again not too bad, could stop when needed, no big wins really as was on a site that didn’t really offer them was just slow building, was spending a few hundred a month I would say, realised it was getting bad as when got a loss would keep putting in but when got a win I could take it. So decided to go onto gam stop and block myself. Didn’t gamble for 2 months. 

Then came the tsunami, me and my OH have a joint bank account, so I started gambling in her name, (which she knew about and didn't mind as didn’t realise I had a problem as never really spent that much before) went from the low paying sites with more customer care to the big paying sites where you could lose so much so fast, so started at £20 deposits which was one after the other, both me and my partner have good jobs, wouldn’t say we are well off but definitely shouldn’t be struggling. 

So when did I hit rock bottom? 

It was payday and I was still awake at 12am when the wages hit the bank so thought I’d go online and check how much I’d been paid. What did I do? Go straight online and bet, how much did I lose in one night? Just over a grand. Did not sleep a wink, constantly chasing that win trying to get it back to afford the monthly bills before the OH found out. And the worst thing is I didn’t get a penny back. 

So the OH at work and me feeling rock bottom I was sat there is despair trying to get the money back, applying for loans to cover the losses, which I can’t get because I already have poor credit (which now looking back I’m thankful for because I know I would have been straight on there again) She gets home from work and I burst into tears and tell her what’s happened, she doesn’t say anything and asks how much I’ve spent I can’t bring myself to tell her, she logs onto the joint bank account and is furious but also very understanding and supportive. 

She gets the loan into her name to cover back the loses and gets it paid into her own bank account on the condition I pay it back. She has also forced me to go to GA which I am enjoying and haven’t bet since.

So this is where it gets tricky, payday has come back around and I’m really struggling and tempted to get back on there again as my outgoings are more than my incoming at the moment with paying the little boys nursery fees and try and get some extra money as I feel so under pressure constantly checking my online banking. 

Thankfully I haven’t lost too much from gambling (maybe a few thousand) and not in any debt over it. (Well apart from that £1k to cover the loses) never stolen, lied or lent from anyone to gamble. I’m not saying I’m not a compulsive gambler, I know I am. I’m just glad I figured it out when I did as I can so easy see how it gets so bad, I do genuinely believe if at that point I could take loans out I would have done just to gamble. Then it wouldn’t have been 1K it would have been ALOT more. I just feel so under pressure at the moment and can’t see any other way of getting the extra money I need. 

I don’t know why I’m posting really, I don’t know whether it’s support, advice or just words of wisdom I need. I know it’s a bad decision theres just something in my brain dragging me there. 

I don’t want to let the GF down, or my little boy, but I also don’t want to let myself down. She’s been so supportive and kind about the situation asking how meeting are weekly etc but I know that there’s only so much she will take and I don’t want to lose what I have. I want us to be able to live comfortably and not have to worry but I feel like I keep messing that up. We’re definitely not well off like I said earlier but have a good joint income and live from one payday till the next. We should be able to make it though but I feel like I’m making it impossible wasting money, I’m just stuck in a rut.

Sorry it’s so long and if you’re still reading thank-you.