Looking for help

Hi found freedom. Your situation is very similar to mine, I've lied to my partner who doesn't suspect a thing, got in debt that could easily pay off in a few months, have a young son and another child on the way in September. I had my last gamble on Friday night and am determined to beat this for good. Already I feel reading people posts has helped me a lot as I don't feel on my own anymore. I wish you luck in conquering this addiction I'm sure we can both beat this for our family's sake. Good luck.

Hi Foundfreedom,

I told my wife last week about my addiction and credit card debts I'd been hiding for her. (Read my posts in the newbies section). By god all the bad things that gambling brings, upset, lies, stress, mood swings, you'll probably know the feelings, all get you down. I don't know where I was last year it all seems a bit of a blur, more worringly I didn't like who I was becoming! I have three kids under 12, love them all to bits. You get one life on this planet, yes we all screw up, I'm disgusted and ashamed for what I've done, but there's a way out and its definitely not suicide! There is help out there, I rang the Gam-Care helpline just that phone call helped break the ice on something I'd kept hidden away for three years. I love this web-site forum and also the first GA meeting I attended last Friday. You are not alone in your battle. Come clean with your partner is the first difficult step to deal with........

I'm also great with money, bit of a tight b****r really. Nor would I ever would bet with money in my pocket or cash withdrawels from ATMs or joint accounts, but shove me in a room watching live sport, the need to bet would start, high deposits on my credit card, win or lose I would already be making my next selection. Then I would end up chasing losses (which I was terrible for) betting on sports on teams in different countries that I had never even heard off! Until my last bet which I mention in my first ever post. Hopefully that day changed me, early days but time will tell, I'm doing my best.

Don't worry about asking for help. Open up on this site, have a cry at some off the stories people tell. But you need to face up to your addiction and come clean with your partner.

Good luck.

The main thing now foundfreedom is to stop while it can fixed . Dont let it esculate further and further until it gets to the point of no return. The moneys lost and gone forever. You need to let that go and move on now .
Its not easy but dont be tempted to win it back... they times it invariably fails.
read the other forum posts here . Phone gamcare and stay strong.!

Thank you so much for replying. I've been trying to stay off the internet to resist temptation. So far it is working. I have a realistic plan to repair the financial damage. I am still terrified of being found out so have decided that once I feel that I can demonstrate that I have definitely stopped and begun to make amends then I need to confess and take whatever the consequence is.

I'm seriously considering switching bank accounts and closing my PayPal account in order to set new patterns and move away from everything that reminds or tempts me.

I don't know if I'm being paranoid about it but one thing that frightened me about starting fresh is wondering if my old bank would tell my new one about my previous patterns if I move too quickly? I want a totally fresh start and don't want to have my old behaviour following me. Right now I'm too scared to phone my bank for anything in case they ask me about my PayPal transactions, I don't want to carry on like this, I think it reinforces secretive behaviour. Any thoughts?

Hi Foundfreedom.

You are in the right place and good on you for posting.

However I have to say that "trying" to stay off the internet and resist temptation wont work on its own.

Honesty is key here and you will find that sense of freedom when you have opened up and put real blocks in place with people helping you.

You have to ask yourself whats worse....the desperately low feeling of losing everything and living a lie or telling someone close about your addiction and problem.

I worked out that walking home on friday evening feeling numb and suicidal was far worse than admitting to everyone close that I had a problem. 7pm on a friday evening numbly walking past happy people ready to go out. Skint with just milk in the fridge and a few coppers in a piggy bank. I dont think I have ever felt so low. I kept doing it for 10 months after I joined gamcare because I was an addict and was making excuses about self excluding being embarrassing

Continuing to gamble would have left me on the streets. One reason I continued was that I was lying and cheating my way through the bank of mum and dad. Shameful and I didnt mean it but thats what I was doing.

You are not free while you have secrets. Willpower alone will not do it. You can start again with pride once all the basic measures are in place. Dont worry too much about how it looks . Your healthy state of mind is number one and there is no shame in reaching out.

I will leave the moment to you but it starts with telling people that you have an addiction as you are doing here

All this is coupled with calls to gamcare counselling and even a visit to the doctor

I wish you all the very best

Morning FF

Hope things are well or at least getting better?

I had to tell my wife otherwise I knew I wouldn't stop. I have approx £15k of debt. Early 2015 when my debts were around 5-6K I could have said like you "my debt was in control" but I never and look what happened....

Telling my wife is the most important part of my recovery. Without her I would still be gambling. We can speak about things (she doesn't understand a gambler's mind) but at least we talk, before there was nothing, us CGs are good at keeping everything in its part of the addiction.

Close all bank/credit card accounts in your name, make joint ones, otherwise temptation is always there. If you tell your partner tell him barriers you want to be put in place to help you stop. It's not easy but when you do it's a big chip of your shoulders.... Don't get yourself into the mess is was in last year, I didn't like myself or what I was becoming.

Gambling is all around us, it's hard not to see a bookies everyday or see/hear an advert on TV or radio. You have to want and escape from this addiction, this world that is destroying or has ruined people's lives.

Have you tried GA meetings? I hope these are my new addiction! I enjoy the openness of how everyone speaks, all in the same boat, you fill in no forms, just sit down and listen. You have to declare yourself an addict to the meeting. That was hard for me but it's a good release and probably sets you up for the next two hours..... which fly by. Look for a local meeting, attend one, it may help you get round to telling your partner.

Hope it makes sense, sorry it's only 7am.

Keep updating your page, all the best.

I'm very scared to tell my family. They are not kind, supportive people. My husband in particular is prone to bouts of angry depression.The depression that started me looking for an escape was due to feeling lonely and looking for a way to be of value.

The really awful problem I have now is that my husband has levelled out, we're actually getting on and are happy. I really think that if I could safely tell him we could be OK but the initial anger will be terrifying.

It feels like my only two choices are to try go it alone, risk failure and ruin everything or tell the truth and ruin things anyway.

My compromise was to be to prove that I'm no longer gambling and making financial amends before I tell him so that he will see that we have a way forwards. I know he will still be angry but I thought that showing my commitment to change would make it safer and give me more chance of him working with me.

Thank God I have my kids, I can absolutely and completely understand how the fear drives people to suicide. The shame and fear are crippling.

I'm happy at least to be on day three (and being honest with myself that a £2 instant win game still counted and reset my days! Was so tempted to lie to myself because it was such a small slip but I know how it will snowball if I do).

I'm also happy that I've realised what I was trying to do with my gambling. I was trying to get a big win to impress him and hope that money would drag him out if his depression and, pathetic as it sounds, make him love me again.

I've thought about going to the doctor together so that I can tell him in a safe environment and then I worried that social services might be informed about my addiction.

I'm hoping that the coming days will show me a way forwards. At the moment it IS the lying that's trapping me but there's no point trying to let the truth set me free and ending up so free that I'm either divorced or dead. That might sound dramatic but my husband is VERY explosive and I've never let him down so badly before, I think I have good reason to be afraid.

Hi FoundFreedom

Welcome to the forum and well done for posting. You will find a lot of support here and a community of people who understand your struggle with gambling.

It seems like you are very worried about your husband's reaction to your gambling. I would encourage you to call our helpline and talk things through with a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133 or you can also chat to an adviser using the Netline if you would prefer. The advisers can provide emotional support and helpful information as well as facilitate a referral to free one to one counselling if you'd like to access that service.

Best wishes

Alex

Yes plenty of calls to gamcare as you need that one to one voice.

I have never been that scared to tell people so its a tough one and I fully understand your situation.

I do see signs that your gambling was depression and escape related. The bit about getting a win so someone will be proud is how the addiction twists things. There seems to be some real unhappiness and you are just tolerating matters. I may be wrong buts its a good place to discuss it on here. Gambling is directly linked to depression and people who are fed up with life.

If you focus on what gambling did to you and the real odds you will see that its a losing game and a highly dangerous addiction.

What I do know is that you need to talk through how you feel within yourself to a counsellor and possibly the doctor

We do understand and wish you all the best in sorting this out

Hi ff, I can relate to your problem. However I do agree with others advice on here that you need to talk to someone. I have tried to go this alone for too long and failed miserably month on month. My oh has known for 10+ years but doesn't understand and won't take the time get involved so has always just left me to it. My mum had been very supportive but I have still lied to her no end of times. It wasn't until I put proper blocks in place and really wanted to give up that I really did enough. Please don't try and go this alone. It is a very lonely and unsociable addiction. You have been married for a long time which says a lot. Use as much advice from the forum, ring Gamcare, definitely get counselling (Gamcare will help with this) and download software so you can't access gambling sites. Have you thought about showing or writing a copy of your first post to your oh? This could possibly show him just how it has made you feel, how low you got and what you are prepared to do to get through this? Just a thought.

Best of luck with your recovery

Just checking in to let you know that I'm still Gf and keeping on reading all the time. Feel like am doing a rewiring job in my brain.

Waking up not feeling disgusted with myself is wonderful. I've still got fears and worries but know that if I stay true to this path I will be one of the lucky ones who escaped before racking up huge debt.

Thank you to those who advise to just accept that the money is gone. Accepting this and accepting that things can only get better if I don't chase has been such a revelation.

I will actually be clear in four short months.

It does not seem possible after all the fear and stressing but it gives me great hope for the future now. Sitting and LOOKING at the figures instead of manipulating them for 'one last try' had made me realise that my biggest win will be abstinence and honesty.

Yes, I've still got the pain of confessing my addiction to come but every day I am Gf is another way I will show my commitment to changing for good and will only go in my favour. If I don't confess then I can see that the bad times will roll around again because I'll think about using my 'spare' money 'harmlessly ' as soon as I'm in the clear again.

Facing up to finding out what damage I have done has shown me that things are not as horrible as I feared. Because I have always paid my bills first I still have a good credit score, I still have a very small credit card bill which can be easily dealt with and I've replaced gambling with reading success stories and using the money I would make available for hurting myself to make a small payment towards financial freedom each day.

I realise that there may still be many hard days but have self excluded from everywhere and have made it so that its not possible to gamble without my spending being visible to my husband.

I won't be far away from the forum as just being able to be honest here and see that I'm not the only one is such a relief.

I will be back with more good news tomorrow. I've accepted that no win will ever remain so because I'll lose it all trying to make it bigger and better.

Hey foundfreedom. Good to hear your doing well and still gamble free. Know what you mean about waking up not feeling disgusted with yourself, it is wonderful. Take care.

Wise words Freedom, nice read. Agree waking up with a clear mind is fantastic.

At my GA meeting they spoke about the "honeymoon period" when becoming gamble free, Im in this period. Some people call it "cold turkey", anyway call it whatever, keeping your mind strong and occupied I guess you give yourself the best chance possible. (Same applies to me).

Again all the best in your recovery.