Looking for love

I can't change the past, I cant change the past, stop thinking about the past, I cant change the past. Only the moment I am in right now. I cant change the past. Please let these thoughts subside soon.

so here is the challenge - work longer hours, more energetically and with enthusiasm...

whilst at the same time make the most of time with family and my kid, not to show him I'm exhausted or distant like I am when I.am gambling..but spend quality time without him see the worry in my eyes.

at the same time not be riddled with guilt or upset at my losses or the situation I am in. 

at the same time forgive myself and try to become a better human. it's going to be a challenging 250 days, to turn my life around. 

Day 3 ...Options:

1. Gamble again and guarantee to lose more

2. Feel sorry for yourself

3. Fight as hard as possible to get your finances and life back on track.

My day is torn between moments of choosing option 2 and option 3. I'm scared of option 3, I have done it so many times and flunked over and over  . Do I have the strength to go again... each relapse its harder to fight back..  

woke up once again with a jolt and a deep sense of pressure. started ruminating again and also reviewing all the problems in the world. doom scrolling.

decided to break the train of sad thoughts by coming to this thread and posting, alleviating my burdens. I guess thread is becoming a recovery diary if admin want to move it to another section.

will try to sleep, day 4 begins soon. I need to get through to the end of May as my first goal.

Day 4. .. hate that I'm here... but what choice do I have but to fight as hard as I can. I'm still in disbelief, full of regret, why am I in such a d**n big hole again.

I have given myself to the end of the year to crawl back, surely this is an opportunity to change my life around

I'm scared and daunted by the sheer amount of work I'll need to do, the creative and emotional energy is quite a lot in my field. It will be extremely hard.

But I just hit the gym,10more minutes of aerobics, some weights.

what choice do I have? collapse and go back crying and pleading to my loved ones to save me again? or fight my way out ..

day 4... first target,work dam hard, get to the 27thmay with my health and family intact.

Beginning of Day 5, woke up again very early to a nightmare I had where my son fell from the roof of our house . this is after watching the elisa lam documentary - still have lots of anxiety and worries about how far I can make it out and if this nightmare can end.

on a positive note, I have lost some weight.

have to stop seeing reminders of what could have been with my finances and let that go, and accept its gone and forget about it.

trying to strike a better balance between regret and making little positive changes- like just drinking more water, putting my phone away and not staring at screen day.

part of the daily struggle is the constant unavoidable reminders of what you have lost (or just up until a few says ago, actually had) vs being grateful for what you still have in life (healthy, family, love etc) vs the strength to keep saying nothing can bring that back other than the honest fight to stop thinking about a quick fix and th discipline needed for the daily small incremental improvements.

all the while, a terrible voice at the back of your head saying "yeah yeah yeah you have been here dozens of times, what makes you think you are doing anything special this time that will prevent a relapse".

midway though day 5. I have had a reasonable day so far but with heavy sighs 

day 5 ends, did ok through day, but night, restless and full of regret at what happened, still disbelief and daunted by my life ahead...little sleep coming to me tonight it seems

day 6 feeling flustered and agitated and unhappy. feel unproductive and that I cant have the strength to reach my goals. maybe a nap and then some exercise.

Day 7, full working day. Trying not to think about money, its getting easier to not care about what little I have. I know I have enough to survive this month with a little care, and then by next month ill have a little savings to know I'm not in dire straight with the family.

Im trying to lead a life where I try not to thin about money, the plan is to earn it, secure it, forget it and live the days filled with life's other challenges, problems (and maybe joys). 

its still tough though because there is still a lot of lost money to earn back and that is a pressure that wont fully resolve til its financially solved.

half way through day 7, wish I could fast forward to day 248 and meet my objectives.

so what do I have to do in the remaining 240days? I guess just have to stay positive, keep working hard, maintaining my energy levels, be kind to my family, and kind to myself... and stop thinking about what I d**n well lost.

half way through day 7, wish I could fast forward to day 248 and meet my objectives.

so what do I have to do in the remaining 240days? I guess just have to stay positive, keep working hard, maintaining my energy levels, be kind to my family, and kind to myself... and stop thinking about what I d**n well lost.

day 8. yesterday had an argument with boss who I would argue was bullying. felt so s**t because working extra hours for rest of the year is my escape plan, and it's hard enough as it is to bring energy to table and be  a great dad, husband and behind the scenes work extra hours in a place that's not supportive.

I wished yesterday so badly to be able to quit but I cant as I need the money and I jsut hated I was in this situation. 

anyway, what can I do, today is another day. day 8 of 250 day challenge of saving my life

day 9, feeling agitated, unhappy, not all because of financial issues but certainly taking it toll. working very hard, daunted and upset how hard i have to work just to breathe again, its time taken away form being a happier dad around my kind.

also not getting on with partner, not financial related, lots of other issues, which just adds to the overall sad feelings - which i know is a potential trigger for relapse as my gambling is certainly an escape from reality mechanism.

anyhow, I keep soldiering on, i know it will get better. day 9 of 250 days to the new year, and a new life.

day 11 now, was travelling a lot so lost a day in travel. no relapses. generally doing ok, trying to keep.my head above water. still have flashbacks of being a few points from winning it all back 11 days ago. I know.its gone.

I'm still troubled by the mountain ahead I have to climb jsjt to break back to financial normality. I'm trying to stay upbeat though, 11 days is closer to the target of 250 days than 0 days!