Looking for support. Lost in a parents Web of deceit

You go & get help for you! You can phone the helpline on here or find a GamAnon meeting near you if you are able to leave the children with anyone?

I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. My mum is a compulsive gambler refusing to admit that she has a problem so I understand part of your pain. She has nothing...Literally, if it weren't for me having her wages coming into my account, the bills would not be paid on my flat that she is living in & she would be homeless. She threw away her ability to sofa surf by deceiving everyone that has ever tried to help her.

She burnt through over £50,000 of inheritance in just a few months recently but because she'd spent a few bob here & there on the flat (prob no more than a couple of thousand on sale items only) she has justified the disappearance of the money! My mum has: lied repeatedly for years, lost more wallets than I can care to remember, stolen from my wardrobe whilst I was ill in bed & denied it (to the extent I started thinking I had been burgled), pawned family jewellery that she was looking after & denied it, taken out a log book loan @ £300 per month interest on a shi77y Kia & yet she is convinced she doesn't have a problem & loved pointing out that my problem was much worse than hers (because I had more disposable income)! I have tried begging, bribery, threats, tears, you name it, I've probably given it a go but the only thing that will ever stop her gambling is her & as she approaches her 70th, I doubt very much she has any plans afoot to stop now! Both my Nan & I are very much to blame having repeatedly bailed her out over the years so she has never had to suffer the consequences of her actions...I say I've stopped now but who knows how strong I could be if it came down to it & besides my Nan is still alive & whilst there are still pennies in her account she will continue to provide them largely behind my back!

You probably didn't need to hear most of that but I just wanted you to know that you are absolutely right to be focusing on you & your young family now! It's horrible watching a loved one suffer but denial is one of the roots of a compulsive gambler's inability to seek help & you suffering alongside them helps no-one!

Welcome to the forum, I hope if nothing else this place gives you support when you need it.

Look after you - ODAAT

Thank you for your advice. I have phoned the helpline previously, and I am looking into the meetings and what is going on online. It's hard when you can see the problem and what it is causing and they are adamant they haven't got a prob. I no I can't go backwards and life with the daily stress, but what ever I say or do from here they aren't going to be happy with. Thank you for telling me your story, I appreciate you taking time to reply.

Hi,

I'm a spouse, not a daughter but the behaviour's the same!

Echo advice to put yourself first. Of course you can't carry their burden and you shouldn't try.

You mention that your parents won't be pleased with where you go from here, possibly not, especially if it interferes with their ability to gamble. But perhaps think about why they need to be pleased with you? My husband used displeasure as a tactic to keep me on my toes but it's just manipulative. If you are able to get the help that you need to cope with your situation, part of it is accepting the support to allow you to do what you need to do. Tell friends, go to GamAnon meetings, attend counselling, read up on addiction. So that you're not dependent on your parents' approval, you can detach from their problems, do your own thing and not be repeatedly drawn in or be in agony because of their displeasure with you.

Focus on you, take care,

CW

You can't get anything right with an active gambler unless it's handing over money & leaving them to get on with it! Thing is, a family's love should be unconditional & even though you feel unloved/uncared for & all of the other heart breaking emotions, I expect that interspersed with the anger, there will be moments of clarity where your parent will be sad @ how much they are hurting you! Possibly even using you as a justification to keep chasing that elusive big win!

My unsuspecting better half (now husband) has remained firm in his stance that he took at the start of my journey (aside from the daft suggestion @ sporting events that he doesn't even realise are gambling because it's not a problem for him)...Whatever hair brained scheme I came up with to keep my fruit machine dream alive he calmly disagreed with. Be it only going once a month, him setting the limits, only playing the 2p machines on holiday he stood firm & that dream is now my worse nightmare.

I imagine some of the other loved ones will be over to offer their support @ some point but great to see you looking out for yourself. We can offer our unconditional love (be it tough @ times) to our gamblers but we can't stop their problems, only they can do that!

Be strong & take care - ODAAT

Hi daughterofagam.

You have already had some great advice. Get some help for you and phone gamcare as many times as you like.

A chat with a doctor is also a help even though you are not the gambler.

Its very difficult to make someone stop if they wont admit they have a problem. all you can do is protect your own finances, dont lend them any money and keep chipping away and try and make the parent see the error of their ways. It may take some tough love

As you know gambling is extremely dangerous and immoral. It ruins people so firstly you have to make sure it doesnt take you along on that ride.

Its a tough one but you cant let it make you ill. You can only do your best. Have you any other family support.

keep phoning for counselling and over time you will build a new strength

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank you all for your replies. They are all really useful in moving forward, and protecting myself in the process. I do have other family close by, all of which are asking for me to keep the peace, forgive and forget and all that. They do not deal with her everyday, but they expect me too. I will be protecting myself and my children from now on. Thanks again

Hi there

I feel real and deep sympathy for you! I am a gambler, and luckily I have my parents support who still hold authority over me. Where as, if it were the other way round, I can imagine the gut wrenching feeling!

However what we have to realise here is, that gambling is an illness. If we could all place the casual bet and not go chasing losses, then the bookies would not be rich and we would not be poorer. Gambling recreates the brain chemistry of taking a class A drug like C*****e. Therefore once it happens you want more and more.

What I am trying to do which could be quite a good short term technique for your parents is meditation. Meditate on the feeling they get when they gamble, and if you do it for long enough (talking months) eventually you can feel that way without gambling. I dont know whether it works but its worth a try.

A few other techniques I am going to use is making gamblings as hard as possible. So self exclude from everywhere online, and do not take a card with you when walking to the bookies. Take £5. Its so difficult to cut it out altogether, so resorting to desperation tactics right now....

Charlie

Hi, thank you for your advice. Unfortunately my parent is adamant there is no problem. I have tried but today I have had to admit there is no trust there. They didn't like this, but they need to accept this is how I feel. I have set clear boundaries, to protect myself and my children, and I have made it clear to other family members that the vulnerable family members will need to be watched carefully. As hard as it is, I have to have little contact and I have to protect myself from the hurt. Gut wrenching is the exact words I'd describe it as

Hi, again,

It does hurt but it's best to behave as if there is a problem. Otherwise you get caught up in a fantasy of denial. Say truth as you see it, eg you won't give them money because they'll gamble it, the gambling upsets you, you can't trust because of the gambling, you need to do XYZ to protect yourself from the gambling, they have to take responsibility for their own gambling etc. No need to raise your voice but be firm and don't back down.

Get RL support outside your family.

Take care,

CW

I feel it, only in my situation, I am also a CG so @ least I can make some sort of sense of the crazy. I don't envy you having to take these steps but it shows your strength & you will find a way to cope because the way you feel now is not a feeling that anyone deserves to go through!

You haven't had much from the site but people are here if you need a rant! One of the other diarist explained to me that his wife is undergoing recovery with him, she has been a part of his journey so makes sense that she too needs to heal! I hope that by making decisions (albeit incredibly painful ones) you can start looking to your future - ODAAT