My Biggest mistake

Kevthekev40, That's happened to me countless number of times. You increase stake to win back, that doesn't come in, and then you are in a deeper hole, the deeper the hole, the reckless one becomes. Sick.

To be honest I believe I am getting to the end of my cycle because I have lost so much that I now see a potential bet as already a loss before betting, that's how I have been limiting the damage. 

Do you know what I've no idea how much I've lost over the years maybe best not to think too much. Leave it behind its gone move forward eyy guys let's all move together !!!

I try 

Not to count It all up just the last lose as that was the most in one session and that came from chasing, how can you go from  £10 to nearly  £8000, madness we must zone out and they take over our minds as I know if I had that money in my hand it would be a different matter. Well on the positive I never want to gamble again and I hope my mind stays like that, I will stay like that

Posted by: Pablo87

 

At 33 years old, back living with my parents, I feel I have just recently made my gravest mistake of all.

I have struggled with a gambling addiction since I was 16 years old, I have told thousands of lies and brought misery and pain to those I love most.

I have always been someone who acts like I am fine and strong willed, even my friends and family don’t know how weak my mind can be, I don’t want people to know as I don’t want to burden them with my issues and it will also make me feel ashamed of myself, after everything I’ve done I’m not sure that will help with my mental state.

I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal or have ever been, but I feel as though I’ve been so depressed that those thoughts can’t of been far away and that really scares me, I’m not the strong person people think I am, I’m weak and I’m depressed.

 

The more I think, I realise that I have been mentally weak in the past.

 

10 years ago I had no plans and a dead end job, all I did with my money was drink and gamble, my gambling wasn’t anywhere near as bad back then as it has become now. Looking back I realise that I was sad back then too with, I wouldn’t say depressed but definitely living a sad life.

I then met a woman, which gave me purpose in life, she brought me so much happiness, I remember being so besotted and in love, My whole mindset changed, my outlook on life changed, I had plans!

2 years later we got married, a couple of years later be bought a house, had a dog and always drove a new car, we travelled the world and created amazing memories, memories I thought I would never have. 

 

On one hand I feel lucky, because I have had the joy of having such companionship and experiences, on the other hand I feel like a fool because recently through my own choice I walked away from it all, destroying a woman that I still love now as much as I ever have.

I walked away because I was struggling with my gambling, I was becoming mentally weak as the more I did it the more pain I could see I was causing to my wife. I could see what I was doing to her, I was destroying the woman I truly love. Mentally she was a mess, I could see that but yet I still couldn’t stop, and that was making me seriously worry about my mental health as I felt if things carried on like this I would end up suicidal, something had to change.

 

I had a thought, maybe the pressure of letting her down and breaking her heart was the reason my mind had become so weak, that if I left and had nobody relying on me, nobody to cause pain for anymore, my mind would become strong and I would become a strong man mentally which would ultimately lead to my will power improving which would stop me gambling.

I had a plan that I would become this amazing man if I beat my addiction and that I would re marry my wife with the confidence that I would never break her heart again, that’s the plan, I haven’t done this because I don’t lover her anymore, I’ve done this for the long term plan.

 

I know now, what an absolute disaster of an idea.

 

Almost 4 months have passed since I left, my gambling has got worse and my mental state is at an all time low, nothing has gone to plan and now not only have I lost money that I will never win back, i quite possibly will never win my wife back.

 

Even now, as much as I know my plan was a bad one, I couldn’t bring myself to begging for forgiveness and going back, I couldn’t put her through it again, it isn’t fair, she’s an amazing woman who deserves the best that life can offer and that’s not something I can say I can give, not with any confidence anyway.

I’m not sure what to do with myself, I know what I need to do, I have always known what I need to do but for some reason I can never do it, no matter how serious the consequences.

 

Whoever reads this will probably think I’m insane, I feel like I’m insane, no normal person could cause the pain I have to people I love so much.

 

I miss my wife and I miss my dog.

 

What a mess I have got myself in to.

Hi Pablo - I am going to post my own story on here, after lurking a little reading. I wanted to say I can see some of myself in particular in your idea for the 'making a plan' approach. I struggled with a supposed 'plan' to make my life and family life better, but it was much simpler in the end. When I finally just stopped and opened up about it all. No other plan worked for me, however much I varied it. But, I deluded myself that all my other plans would work out. 

All the best,

Mac.