My boyfriend

Im afraid that is a huge chunk of life in one go Tina91

Its how you can deal with this with your inner strength. A gambling problem is not a good thing to have in a partner and the gambler has to be ready to stop or they will lose everything thats important in life anyway. Hes prepared to lose you is he? Is that the gambling talking?

Its a very strong addiction so it could well be the gambling mind talking. when you think it leaves people with no food and rent money it can shred relationships as if they were nothing

I understand it hurts badly. What do you do? Mention it..... try and talk about it and try and help him to see the light. However I understand its not easy . Dont shy away from saying that gambling is not acceptable though, because it isnt

I think you look after yourself as much as possible in the first instance. Please ring gamcare as many times as you like and talk it through with anyone close that is supportive.

As to the gambling I have to agree with other threads that you didnt cause it, you cant control the gambling and you cant cure it. Even if he is ready it takes a support network of blocks and counselling.

You must seek that inner strength now as you really dont need a life watching a gambler in action. You need to be strong in saving your quality of life but I do understand love and relationships

Its not your fault that he gambles so look after yourself

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi Tina,

I fully agree with joydivider. Your instincts are correct and your boyfriend is not being considerate or fair to you. Spending all that money and time on gambling is not on. It is not life, in fact it is a road to misery for him AND you.

I would phone Gamgare as joydivider suggests and if it helps you continue to post any concerns or replies on this thread.

We're all looking out for you here and want to help. All the best.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it so much. I've got a head full of questions , so much worry and incredible amount of love for him.

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you a happy New year, hopefully it will be a year of changes.

Thats good Tina91 but please dont let it be a blind love. Gambling addicts thrive on blind love. Any problem gambler needs help and they need to be ready to admit they need help for a problem which is classed as an illness or addiction

A gambling problem is eyes wide open time! If you know about the addiction its very similar to a drink or drug problem in how it operates and takes control

I dont want to over worry you and Im sure you can muster the strength to get through this one way or another

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

hi tina you say hes asked for space to get himself in a better place?sorry sounds like the sorta cr4p id come out with if id been loosing.leaves me with no responsabilities or anyone to answer to and then my time is free to get that one big win (as mythical as the lockness monster)!thing with us gamblers is the self hurt we cause ourselves through gambling can sometimes follow us and we just dont know where to stop hurting it is like self harming but mentally!even when we have a big win many of us cant and wont buy anything of substance it goes straight back into the machines or on the next hot tip or next spin of the wheel untill its all gone.our addictions have turned many of us into people we really despise being to the point we hate ourselves and feel as if we dont deserve love family friends even life sometimes.

ask him where he is at with his gambling?is he up is he down?is he in debt is he borrowing money does he feel he needs help?does he think hes the only one and noone else will or can understand?try and stay strong hun and dont take his s***e personally.

Hi Tina

I concur with everyone above. If your partner wants to get himself into 'better shape' there are things he could do right now, today which would virtually eliminate his access to gambling but he hasn't done any of them nor has he asked for your help in doing them. CG's are excellent at trotting out what they think we f&f want to hear and the aim is to get us off their backs so they can gamble in peace. Don't let him manipulate you into not asking anything you need to know.

You can't fix this for him and the worry shouldn't be your responsibility to shoulder. The desire to stop and then stay stopped has to come from him. Protect your finances and put yourself first. Don't fall for woolly future plans and don't trust anything he says without seeing cold hard proof for yourself. Action speaks louder than words at this point. If he won't take any he's telling you where you stand.

Life with an active CG is hell. Read everything you can and look for RL support if you need it. Think hard about how you want your future to look bearing in mind this is a progressive addiction that unaddressed can and does bring everyone close to the gambler down with them.

Happy New Year everyone. Thank you for your advice and support. Instead of having a lovely news Years eve we have split up. He spent the night Gambling all his money. I'm broken and beyond stressed. I want him so badly as I've never loved anyone like this. I just hope that he gets a wake up call and changes his life. I'll just have to look after my self now and hope that he will be a better man for him self first and me.

Hi Tina,

I am really sorry to hear that you did not have the New Years Eve you hoped for. I am also saddened to hear your partner spent the evening gambling all of his money. Do you think that his destructive gambling habit is at the root of all this or is it something deeper?

The important thing right now is to look after yourself; take deep breaths; and try not to stress. You may find it useful to phone Gamcare, talk to your loved ones, post on here, whatever you feel will help you at this time. You are not alone OK 🙂

Tina

It is a sad situation and living with a compulisive gambler is so stressful on relationships. But you have to think of your own welfare because living so closely with this every day will sap your energy to the extent that you will feel fairly powerless to help, especially if he is being stubborn and refusing any help and advice. We can see you love him to bits but the kindest thing for both of you at the moment is to have a break from each other. Obviously none of us know him but it is quite likely his mind is in quite a mess at the moment and he could be secretly worrying about the problem and he his probably another lovely young chap who has sadly been led down the garden path by the lure of the gambling companies. Time apart will maybe make him realise what he is sacrificing by risking losing you and he may be able to think more clearly without worrying about hurting you every day. Just let him know you still love him and if he does decide to go into recovery there will be some support for him but try not to lend him any money or get yourself involved in any of his financial problems. Give Gamcare counsellors a ring Tina. They will give you more info on the problems and how you can help. The trouble is most of us parents and partners on here initially have no idea about this addiction and are at a loss at what to do or what decisions to make for the future. If you read some of the posts on here you will see what I mean and you will get lots of support as well. Take care and good luck.

Hi, Tina,

Sorry to hear that you're so unhappy but you know yourself that there are no prizes for sacrificing yourself to an active addict. Looking after your own interests is vital.

If you're ambivalent about the split, bear in mind that addiction is a long term problem and it has only long term solutions. Actions and attitudes speak louder than words and it's what he does and keeps doing that matter. Don't be tempted to mistake short term "right noises" for the necessary fundamental changes that he needs to bring about in himself. Equally long term, would repeat previous advice to get support for you via GC and GamAnon meetings and to look at the knotty question of fixing/wanting to fix a partner.

Take care,

CW

He told me that he will go to GA sessions and that he will try to not gamble but I Hardly take his word for it. He spent all money he had so he doesn't even have anything to gamble with until next Pay day. I just hope that next time he gets paid he doesn't repeat it again, it's not acceptable at all.

I want to be there for him but it may be best for him to be alone now. Gam care have been so lovely and supportive, I find it so comforting to speak to them. I just hope that he will change and stop with this horrible addiction. When he is not gambling he is my ideal partner and that may be why I'm still holding on.

Thank you so much for your kind support, means so much.

Tina - glad you contacted Gamcare. Maybe your partner should be made aware of them as well as GA meetings. Sometimes Gamcare is a good way of easing people into recovery plans and preparing them for GA meetings. Always best to discuss these things when everyone is calm and if he has time on his own he may come round to the idea. At least he has admitted the problem and there is no secret but do not take his word easily that he will attend the GA meetings. I still think you are best to put some space between you and if you keep in touch with Gamcare get as much info on debt management, self exclusion from sites and bookies. But ultimately he needs to want to help himself and needs to start thinking about the other people in his life but the gambling addles the mind so much sometimes that it becomes impossible to think like that. You can only try all of this but I am afraid it is all about tough love sometimes. If none of it works then at least you have tried and it will be up to you whether to cut all ties completely. I have personally watched a really loveable person turn into a very unpleasant person because of this and that is the unfortunate side- effect of any addiction. But we all work hard to get that loveable person back and the day that they come back through the door with a genuine smile on their face, a big hug and tell you they are starting to feel happy with life again - is the best feeling in the world. But we will always still be on our guard for a very long time. Stay in touch with Gamcare.

He gambled again after promising he will change and that he will start with GA sessions: How can someone be so selfish and so self destructive!? i want my lovey boyfriend back 🙁

He sounds like he needs to face reality , this might sound harsh but he wont change until he puts steps in place to stop this happening.

If he gambles at the bookies and he is serious about you then ask him to self exclude , he also needs to self exclude online from all the major bookies which would be a massive start.

He then needs to consider the local help of Gamcare and the possibility of visiting a counceller to get to the root of the problems.