My son is a compulsive gambler

Its his pay day today I'm going to suggest putting half of his wages on to a prepaid card and give it to me for safe keeping. Here's hoping.

Hi, WCID,

I don't want to be negative but I just wonder if handing over half of his wages leaves him free to gamble the other half. When they are ready to stop, they want to break the time-money-location triangle, take away one of these factors and it's not possible to gamble.

Half-Life and I go much further, we take all of the wages to administer. For me, it all goes in a pot, I drip feed him a minimal daily allowance and the balance of the account that we use is kept at that minimal level. Everything else is in my name, he has no access (he can look if he wants but not touch, I don't share passwords) but I use it for all family members. Planned bigger expenditure is arranged separately.

The problem is that until such time as your son is ready to stop, he won't cooperate. If he misses the payments on his car, he loses his car. If he loses his car, he loses his job (his employers may already have noticed an underperformance?) and he will start to see the direct consequences of what he is doing. So if he hands over financial control to you, fine, if not, then again, it's about you letting go of the problem, stepping back and regarding it as his problem, not yours. You can't save him from himself and you risk causing yourself harm by trying.

Take care of you,

CW

Hi cw I know what you are saying, he is going away this weekend to a female friends so needs some money I just thought if he can put half on a card and leave it with me it would be a start but to tell you the truth I don't think he will do that. If he doesn't agree I know he will be in financial difficulty by next week. I'm going to get my husband to have words later see if he can persuade him to do it

wcid

Success. When asked by his dad he has put more than half his wages on the card and gave it to me. Maybe I shud let dad deal with it now, he knows dads not a pushover like mam xx

Hi,

Pleased to see you sounding more positive,

Fingers crossed your son is beginning to accept that he does have a problem

Suzanne xx

Hello All. Just checked sons bank account no wonder he gave the £500 over to us as he has had a win of £400! and what looks like it more to go in account! And bets totalling £110 over the last 2 days. He knows I can see his bank statement! He's going away for the weekend I will be keeping an eye on his balance if he has money left from weekend dad will be asking for it. Hey ho it's another day! On the plus side got fab news at my dads appointment that his cancer has gone after a horrific year! Xx

Hi,

Not good news about son winning, an active CG will be obliging when they have won some money back, and he probably won't care that you can see his transactions, because all that will be on his mind is that he has won, and he will have one thought on his mind, more gambling tokens to play with:(

Good news about your Dad, you must feel happy and relieved with that news:))

Try not to worry about your son, it's his choice, if he gambles it, don't let it affect you, he will not be worrying about you at this time.

Suzanne xx

Hi What Can I Do

I'm no expert but when I was 25 I was behaving like your son. I'm 37 now and coming up to two years bet free.

Your son has a mental obsession with gambling. He has to accept he has a problem, reach a stage where he wants to stop, and then be honest and open enough to ask for help. The fact that you and your husband are aware of the problem and are willing to help him is great but he has to reach that stage himself. Addiction is frustrating and repetitive.

The way he reacts at any given time to you and your husband is no reflection on either of you. He was happy to give into the prepaid card request because he had won and thought another big win was round the corner. Next month, if things are tighter he may refuse and react completely differently to his dad.

You asked for advice, feel free to ignore this but there's a few things I would suggest. You should make it clear that you are willing to help him with overcome his addiction. He has to genuinely want to stop and that may take time. In the meantime, you and your husband should take control of his finances, work out a fair budget and ensure all his bills are being paid on-time. Rather than ring-fencing 50% of his wages, work out what is left after all of his bills are paid and give him an allowance - perhaps paid weekly with extra available for fair requests - spread over the month. I chose gambling over buying food at one stage, so maybe a supermarket gift card would ensure the food portion of the budget was being spent the right way.

This limits the damage he can do each month until he comes to a point where he feels ready to stop. If he continues gambling with full access to his salary, things will only get worse.

I was declared insolvent twice and still wasn't ready to let go. You have to be patient. You can't force him to make the decision that he has had enough, that he is willing to accept that he can never gamble again, that gambling is the source of the majority of his problems. When he reaches that stage, he will need a lot of support to adjust to a normal way of living and thinking.

I would suggest you swap his debit card for a pre-loaded pre-paid card - it would cut his access to pay-day lending - which you can monitor, and take control of his online banking.

I know this sounds drastic, and it will no doubt be met with fierce opposition but compulsive gambling is extremely serious. The financial side of things is the only thing you can positively control.

I had a serious gambling problem for 13 years. I've managed to break the obession I had for most of my adult life through being entirely open and honest with everyone around me about the way I was behaving and the extent of my problem, and attending GA and doing it properly (after a half-hearted attempt eight years before). There is hope.

Clearmind Thankyou for your advice I've only known for a week and have learned so much about this addiction that is invisible to other people! He has kept it a secret for two years without us knowing, the thought of him doing this for another six months let alone 12 years is unbearable! I worry for his future if he can't stop, now that I know how could I openly let him get into a relationship with a girl and keep it a secret from her. I would not like my daughter to be in a relationship with a compulsive gambler so how could I condone him being in a serious relationship with such a big secret. I know I may be jumping the gun here but have read stories on here about long standing relationships and compulsive gamblers.

Hi everyone, can I ask if anyone has heard of a thing called matched betting please.

Wcid

Yes I've heard of it

Supposed to be risk free betting. The word 'supposed'

There's a good reason why the gambling industry are happy to float these kind of bets

I call it the alcoholics version of the 'gateway drug'

Feeling annoyed tonight. As advised I will be here for my son now and when he is ready, advice is don't push him, he will be feeling bad already he is tormented, but still in denial. I don't shout at him when I really feel like screaming at him when I have lots of questions for him. Why shud I keep quiet he is living in the family home, has had a good upbringing, has loyal family, has 2 younger siblings who he should be setting examples for! I am frustrated and annoyed with him that he has gotten into such a mess. I'm not stupid I know it is an illness but in pretty fed up tonight when I see his life in risk of falling apart and I have to keep quiet in the background when I really want to lock him in the house with no access to money until he no longer wants to gamble. Is that so wrong of me.

Wcid feeling frustrated.

You have every reason to feel frustrated, angry, disappointed etc. I have yelled, shamed, sworn, silent treatment, anything you can think of and most of it not very nice.. It's just plain hard WCID!! It's a rollercoaster that is very hard to get off! If he is in your house you have every right to make the boundaries you want. The problem is is that an active CG just doesn't play by the same rules as you and I. Right now you and your husband are the rational ones... you need to make the boundaries. A CG can have you thinking up is down and black is white so you need to be firm. My son has been gambling for 8 years and we have had a few of the self harm threats. It is awful and don't wish it on any parent but it seems to go with this addiction.:( It is something that only you can decide how to handle.

It is still early days for you and you are going to feel every feelin imaginable... some days good, some not so good. I would suggest you research this addiction, keep reading and perhaps try a Gam Anon group. Most importantly go easy on yourself... it's not up to you to figure/fix this. Easier said than done I know but in the end will benefit all of your family.

Take Care

Cathy

I get the impression he is seeing this as another game. Another gamble. I just don't know what id do though. Mega mega mega tough. I think you need a 3rd party. I'd either tell his mates as he'll probably be telling them he's winning mega bucks and ask them to have a word. Or I'd get nan or grandad involved. If my grandad ever said he was disappointed in me I knew it was serious and I cut it out immediately. Those are just my own personal perspectives. Think mates could be a good one if you say you're really worried etc. He could flip out though. Sorry I really don't know. I'm trying to help but it's such a tough one. It's almost like he has to hit rock bottom for you to pick him up but obviously you don't want rock bottom to arrive.

Your both right Amom and change. 8 years oh god that is a long time I dread to think of it lasting that long although it has been going on for two years unknown to us! I do feel like telling his mates change, I can't tell my family about this we have had a tough year with my dad having cancer, two major life changing operations, intensive care and six weeks of radiotherapy he is now cancer free so my poor family have been through a lot. Christmas is coming up I don't Feel like sitting round the table playing happy families pretending I'm happy watching him laughing with my parents and family knowing the truth of what is happening and him not wanting to stop. But hey ho I will do itvforvthe rest of my family because that is what we do! Put a brave and false face on and carry on regardless xx