Hi,
My name is Chris and i have a severe gambling problem, I have always gambled but never to the point I couldn't afford to pay my bill.
I have had times where I have had breaks but the idea of walking into a bookies would always cross my mind on a pay day.
4 years ago I lost my mum to terminal lung cancer, I didn't believe she was going to die but it happened all the same, I was left an inheritance that I never wanted of £150,000 I didn't allow myself to grieve in part because I didnt know how to my also because my partner didn't know what to do or say, she told me after a week and a half to just get over it, I honestly think she just wanted me to be happy again and didn't know what else to say.
I started gambling pretty much after the funeral, it was an escape and when I am being honest with myself I felt the rush whether I was winning or losing.
My life has felt like if something good happens something bad needs to happen to me to weigh up karma, I was married before and at my happiest, some things happened out of my control and we spilt up and my wife ended up with my best friend.
I refused to ever be with anyone else after that, then I met my current partner, I fell in love again and her kids welcomed me into her family. We had a child together and when he was about 6 months old and again I was at my happiest my mum got diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and within 12 months she had died.
I decided once I had the money in my account that I wanted to take us all away to America spent nearly £20,000 for everything, I thought maybe some good could be done with the money, the day before the flight we all stayed at a hotel, I was in the room next door with the iPad, my partner was talking to another man she met the day before when she had been out with her friends, she had kissed him and they were planning to meet up to have s*x. I didn't say anything I just wanted for us all to have a nice time.
When we arrived back I confronted her but I could't leave her and we reconsiled however this is where my gambling started to spiral, when I look back I think my attitude was I had wasted all that money on a holiday on someone that didn't love me, where as now I honestly feel that was just an excuse.
Gambling for me is a form of escape from the real world, when I gamble Im not thinking and when Im not gambling I start thinking.
I am still with my partner and children now however I haven't told her what I have done. I don't think/expect her to forgive me and the thought of losing her and the kids tears me apart.
I have done this to myself, I hate myself and yes when I can look myself in the mirror I would be lying if I said I hadn't had those low thoughts that I know almost everyone on here must have had to, but when I look into my little boys eyes I know I would rather be a disappointment then a memory.
I want to get better and I want to stop, I want to be honest with my famiy and I want her and the kids to still love me.
I can't have all of that I can only control the bits within my control which will be stopping and being honest, I can clear my current debt by May next year at which point I will tell my partner what i have done, somehow I hope that saying I have lost the inhertiance but have no debt will somehow make a difference, I know I am just kidding myself here but I do hope for this.
Sorry I have jumped around in this post but if I don't just type I think I would struggle to compose myself.
This is day 2 for me, I hope people can talk to me and help me, I am going to try to post each day and keep everything together and have support on those darker days.
Thank you for listening to the rambles of an addict who just wants to be a better man for me and my family.
Hi
It sounds like you have got on to a bit of a rollercoaster of events and you have had a bit of a job trying to get off. I am sorry to hear about your Mum and the fact that you were denied the chance to grieve is quite heartbreaking. The very worst thing that can be said to some one 2 weeks after a loss is pull yourself together and get over it. A bad thing for a gambler is to have a wad of money given to you and you have admitted that and the good thing is you are admitting you have a problem. You know your partner better than anyone as to guage how she will react if you tell her about losing the money. The problem with the actual gambling problem is the secrecy - the secrecy makes it easier to carry on. Once you have opened up to your partner or a close friend or family it makes it far more difficult to carry on. It is good to confide in someone you trust and maybe ask them to moniter your spending for the time being. I would strongly suggest you give Gamcare helpline a ring and they will point you in the right direction for advice on self excluding, financial helplines and moral support. You will feel better once you have spoken to someone over the phone as well as on here. You have already made it to day 2 and that is a great start so be proud of yourself . The trouble with the gambling is that it destroys your self esteem and you start to hate yourself when really deep down you are no doubt basically a good person and have the potential to do good things for you and your family. I hope you manage to turn everything around so that you can have a less stressful life. Take care.
Thank you, I'm in bed crying into my pillow, I hate myself so much, I hate feeling.
I don't want the money back I just want to feel my family will still love me, I have told my dad already although that was £5000 ago he thinks it £3000 instead of the £8000.
I have excluded myself again from everywhere but there is always a new site popping up.
I need to take control.
Hello Monkeycf1980
I can hear that you are having a difficult time at the moment and wanted you to know that their is help available. Please consider contacting the freephone helpline to speak to one of advisers on 0808 8020 133
You mentioned blocking yourself online but you are still experiencing new sites popping up. This link will help you find a suitable blocking software for your device to prevent this from happening. www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software#.VCA52fldXww
We also offer a free counselling service if you would like to speak to someone in a private setting. www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/free-counselling
All the best
Cade
Forum admin
Thank you, one day at a time, today was an ok day I managed to have a nice day with partner and kids, I can't stop sums flying round my head though.
Day 7, still not gambled, I can feel the weight pushing down on me, but I'm pushing back, I will not revert backwards
Your not alone mate
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