Need advice and help

As a partner of a compulsive Gambler and having gone through some episodes over Christmas. My honest advice would be come clean. I have no idea how your wife will react. She may say she has had enough, but I know the probability of her saying shes had enough will be much higher if she finds this out for herself, it’s the lying I find harder to cope with. I really hope you find some peace. Remember if your wife decides she has had enough she can’t stop you seeing your children. Gambling isn’t a reason stop anyone having contact with their kids. 

I have been married for 37 years, but 15 years ago it almost ended. I'm lucky it didn't. You see 15 years ago I wanted more money to gamble with but didn't want my wife to see reductions in our checking account so I took a loan out against our house title without telling her. I thought I was pretty clever. But it all came to a head when she decided she wanted to move and at the closing table when we were signing the papers selling our home so we could move into the new home she said, "what's this reduction in our proceeds?" and the lawyer explained that was to pay off the home equity loan your husband took out". Well, I wanted to crawl through the floor and disappear. When we got home she was really furious, more so because of the deception than the money itself. Somehow she forgave me and we are still together but it would have been much better if I had come clean from the beginning. My advice to you would be to admit your mistakes and bring things out into the open then work towards a solution between the both of you. 

First of all welcome to the forum; your post is not uncommon and it can easily happen - when we think we have control but really we don't and just keep going. It has happened to most people who are compulsive gamblers. 

You need to tell the mrs what's happened - it will be hard but it is better coming from you instead of her finding out other ways. 

You say that you played on a non-Gamstop casino, which I am assuming has a curacao or other non-existent license. You need to check your statements ASAP (especially the credit card ones) and check that the name on the statement matches the company you have played at. Sometimes (for non-regulated casinos) shell companies etc. are used which you should not be able to deposit into or should be flagged by the credit company/bank and you can request a recharge to the card. It is a long and difficult process but it can be done - if you need help with this i can advise further and happy for my email address to be shared (if a mod could facilitate). 

Andy

I am only on day one of joining this site been a gambler over 30 years I also have gambled years in secret swapping money about to not got found out scared of the statement falling on the floor lately though I’ve took even bigger risks than ever thought it won’t be long before I’m found out and that would destroy everything I’m embarrassed, feel sick , disappointed in myself it would ruin everything if my family found out so I am going to stop gambling try and get out of debt and talk on the forums to help I can relate to everything your saying but you’ve been braver than me as  I have always gambled in secret but had to take credit cards out to juggle money x

Hi Rachel 

Firstly, Thankyou so much for your time and adding your reply. It’s some comfort that your a partner to a gambling addict. 

my wife isn’t the most amicable let’s say, when it comes to arguments no matter how small they may be so I’m not sure she would want to stay with me. She wouldn’t stop me seeing the children not for one minute but it’s the life Iv got with them all I’m most afraid of losing above all else. Sleeping in the same house, waking up with them seeing their day hour by hour. It makes me feel really sick. 

i know I’m going to have to own up and come clean it’s just finding the right time as it WW3 will go off I’m certain of it. I’ll get called all the names under the sun, shamed to both sides of the family. I’m more than accepted to swallow my pride and I guess it’s part and parcel of my actions I’m a firm believer of putting your hands up and admitting I’m wrong instead of trying to fight it and blame others or make excuses. 

since Iv posted on here I feel incredibly depressed, not because of what Iv lost but the shame I’m about to bring on my beautiful family. Iv let my children down and every time I look at them I just want to cry. 

i can get out of the debt, not with ease but I’ll have to struggle for a while but that’s not the issue or what I’m afraid of, it’s doing it without them.

Hi andy

firstly let me thank you for your time. It’s really appreciated.

yes that would be great if we could talk about this and see if there is a soloution to your advise.

Hi @spendspendspend

really appreciate your time and your honesty in your post.

iv not done anything like that but it’s all on a very similar scale I guess. I’m dreading the postman coming, I’m frightened by everything.

I will come clean I just need to find the right time. Whatever punishment is coming my way then I’m just going to have to take it on the chin and suck it up. After all it’s my actions that are going to serve the consequences unfortunately but I only have myself to blame. 

I’m glad to hear your going to stop and I wish you all the best luck in the world in doing so.

I’d like to say to you better days are ahead but with the way I’m feeling at this present time, there are a few dark days ahead of me it may be different for you but I do wish you all the luck in the world with it. Here if you ever need a chat 

Posted by: Philallen1984

Hi all

So I find myself now back searching here and the internet in a desperate bid to either find some form of salvation and hope or it’s either to find something to ease the mountain of guilt I’m feeling right now.

to cut a long story short Iv always liked to gamble and it all started some years ago now not sure why or how it started but it did. Like most people my partner who is now my wife found out and it put a massive strain on our relationship but we worked through it and had to swallow some pride and she had main control or view of my finances. I got myself into a brilliant position the last 2 years or so, savings, credit rating improved, more or less debt free…fast forward to October this year, I’m now in a worse position debt wise and it’s crushed me and Iv only myself to blame. I come across a site which wasn’t controlled by GamStop and thought I’d give it a try thinking I’m better and in more control than I was previously and promised myself I wouldn’t let it get the better of me. More fool me. Iv maxed everything out…yup you guessed it Iv used credit cards. Stupid man I hear you say and your right, nothing couldn’t be closer to the truth in that respect.

iv got to the position where Iv constantly thought I’m going to have to come clean and I’m not exactly sure how or what the consequences are going to be. I have a young family to and I’m genuinely so scared I’m going to lose my kids and my wife. A sudden onset of panic, sweats, anxiety, that washing machine feeling in my stomach when I get 2 minutes to myself and the thoughts/ fears rush straight into my head.

im not after any sympathy neither am I looking for someone to abuse me or tell me I told you so type of thing but I just needed to put this down in words as I’m too embarrassed to speak to any of my family or friends through sheer embarrassment, shame and fear of breaking everything I have. It’s going to take me years to repay the debt I’m aware of that but I’m genuinely scared for my future now. 

any support of peoples previous experiences or current situations would be nice to read (not in terms of happy to read of peoples unfortunate circumstances) but more so to realise that I’m not alone in this and draw on peoples circumstances and situations and how it’s been dealt with.

i realise Iv babbled on but I appreciate you reading this if you got this far, regardless wether you reply or not.

P

Hi mate 

I actually had to read this 2 or 3 times , I genuinely thought to myself (that is me) identical and by that I mean non gamstop sites, almost debt free using cards and loans and even the kids and wife …the only difference is i came clean , it’s been painful and the money issues and the guilt haven’t and won’t go away but what I do have is a clearer conscience and a path to recovery , it started as soon as I told  her! 

im now going to Ga weekly have all my blocks back in place , doing some therapy sessions and have came off social media for a bit , listening to pod casts, reading books about recovery , whatever I can to remove the time ! 

you can do it and honestly I’d love to keep updated on how you are doing as it’s scary how similar our stories are! 

keep going day at a time , you can’t go back 

good luck 

Posted by: DAL83

Posted by: Philallen1984

Hi all

So I find myself now back searching here and the internet in a desperate bid to either find some form of salvation and hope or it’s either to find something to ease the mountain of guilt I’m feeling right now.

to cut a long story short Iv always liked to gamble and it all started some years ago now not sure why or how it started but it did. Like most people my partner who is now my wife found out and it put a massive strain on our relationship but we worked through it and had to swallow some pride and she had main control or view of my finances. I got myself into a brilliant position the last 2 years or so, savings, credit rating improved, more or less debt free…fast forward to October this year, I’m now in a worse position debt wise and it’s crushed me and Iv only myself to blame. I come across a site which wasn’t controlled by GamStop and thought I’d give it a try thinking I’m better and in more control than I was previously and promised myself I wouldn’t let it get the better of me. More fool me. Iv maxed everything out…yup you guessed it Iv used credit cards. Stupid man I hear you say and your right, nothing couldn’t be closer to the truth in that respect.

iv got to the position where Iv constantly thought I’m going to have to come clean and I’m not exactly sure how or what the consequences are going to be. I have a young family to and I’m genuinely so scared I’m going to lose my kids and my wife. A sudden onset of panic, sweats, anxiety, that washing machine feeling in my stomach when I get 2 minutes to myself and the thoughts/ fears rush straight into my head.

im not after any sympathy neither am I looking for someone to abuse me or tell me I told you so type of thing but I just needed to put this down in words as I’m too embarrassed to speak to any of my family or friends through sheer embarrassment, shame and fear of breaking everything I have. It’s going to take me years to repay the debt I’m aware of that but I’m genuinely scared for my future now. 

any support of peoples previous experiences or current situations would be nice to read (not in terms of happy to read of peoples unfortunate circumstances) but more so to realise that I’m not alone in this and draw on peoples circumstances and situations and how it’s been dealt with.

i realise Iv babbled on but I appreciate you reading this if you got this far, regardless wether you reply or not.

P

Hi mate 

I actually had to read this 2 or 3 times , I genuinely thought to myself (that is me) identical and by that I mean non gamstop sites, almost debt free using cards and loans and even the kids and wife …the only difference is i came clean , it’s been painful and the money issues and the guilt haven’t and won’t go away but what I do have is a clearer conscience and a path to recovery , it started as soon as I told  her! 

im now going to Ga weekly have all my blocks back in place , doing some therapy sessions and have came off social media for a bit , listening to pod casts, reading books about recovery , whatever I can to remove the time ! 

you can do it and honestly I’d love to keep updated on how you are doing as it’s scary how similar our stories are! 

keep going day at a time , you can’t go back 

good luck 

Hi mate 

really appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. It’s horrible mate I’m just wracked with a horrible guilt, remorse and everything else that comes with it. I genuinely believe it will be the end of my marriage with the amount of money Iv wasted. 

as you say our stories are similar I’d be keen to keep in touch wether that be to keep up to date on progress or as a support thing. Feel extremely alone in all of this. Feel like I’m just drowning in fear 

Dear @Philallen1984, 

Thank you for sharing your story on the forum, I'm glad to see you have already received some supportive responses to your post. 

I'm sorry to hear how you have been feeling, I would really encourage you to get in touch with your GP surrounding your well being, to make sure you are receiving the support that you need with that. 

You are certainly not alone with this, we are available 24 hours a day on our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat, so please do get in contact and one of our advisors can talk everything through and look at all of the support available to you.

Wishing you all the best and do keep sharing your journey. 

Regards, 

Sophie C.

Forum Admin

Posted by: Philallen1984

Hi all

So I find myself now back searching here and the internet in a desperate bid to either find some form of salvation and hope or it’s either to find something to ease the mountain of guilt I’m feeling right now.

to cut a long story short Iv always liked to gamble and it all started some years ago now not sure why or how it started but it did. Like most people my partner who is now my wife found out and it put a massive strain on our relationship but we worked through it and had to swallow some pride and she had main control or view of my finances. I got myself into a brilliant position the last 2 years or so, savings, credit rating improved, more or less debt free…fast forward to October this year, I’m now in a worse position debt wise and it’s crushed me and Iv only myself to blame. I come across a site which wasn’t controlled by GamStop and thought I’d give it a try thinking I’m better and in more control than I was previously and promised myself I wouldn’t let it get the better of me. More fool me. Iv maxed everything out…yup you guessed it Iv used credit cards. Stupid man I hear you say and your right, nothing couldn’t be closer to the truth in that respect.

iv got to the position where Iv constantly thought I’m going to have to come clean and I’m not exactly sure how or what the consequences are going to be. I have a young family to and I’m genuinely so scared I’m going to lose my kids and my wife. A sudden onset of panic, sweats, anxiety, that washing machine feeling in my stomach when I get 2 minutes to myself and the thoughts/ fears rush straight into my head.

im not after any sympathy neither am I looking for someone to abuse me or tell me I told you so type of thing but I just needed to put this down in words as I’m too embarrassed to speak to any of my family or friends through sheer embarrassment, shame and fear of breaking everything I have. It’s going to take me years to repay the debt I’m aware of that but I’m genuinely scared for my future now. 

any support of peoples previous experiences or current situations would be nice to read (not in terms of happy to read of peoples unfortunate circumstances) but more so to realise that I’m not alone in this and draw on peoples circumstances and situations and how it’s been dealt with.

i realise Iv babbled on but I appreciate you reading this if you got this far, regardless wether you reply or not.

P

Very touching and currently going through the same situation wouldn’t mind chatting as sometimes all I wish I had was someone to talk to in the same boat.

I’m willing to lend an ear always. I’m not just here to vent my ridiculous decisions, I’m here to listen to others also and help anyway I can. Not sure if you can private message or anything on here but if you need to talk then I’m more than happy to listen 

Thank you I really appreciate you reaching out Sophie 

Appreciate it. Yes it’s difficult on here as sometimes all you need is to talk with someone who’s going through the same motions.