Hello everyone. Im 35, been married 5yrs and have had 2 beautiful children in this time. Im a genuinely good guy but have let myself down. We all moved into our first house in January. My folks have helped with the deposit and the wife & I have a joint mortgage.
I suppose I have been gambling for a long while but the last 3years has been more substantial. I say I want provide best and most I can for my family. I had ВЈ15k worth of debt which was more or less cleared baring £4k on a 0% credit card when took mortgage out in January. I did not tell the wife the debt was not totally cleared!
Since moving into new house, we did have ВЈ5k for home improvements which used up quite quick. I have a couple of credit cards so thought would use these for more things. I have overspent including general living expenses but also co-insides with the gambling. Most online but occasionally the bookies. I have accumulated another ВЈ11k so owe another £15k again.
Told my wife few days ago. Just was a bitter blow for her. A kind and sensitive person couldnt believe her best friend had kept the secret of the debt. None of my bills or mortgage have never been unpaid. Now few days after mentioning to her, wants to have more control with my accounts. I dont have any joint current accounts at this time. Handed over credit card. She has already arranged meeting to discuss this with professional. She doesnt want this to have a negative effect on my kids. I dont either. I havent told my folks yet as away on holiday. The mother and brother in laws know!
Im such in a pickle. Havent gambled for 1week.
Welcome Lee
Well done on a week gf.
It would seem you have already set yourself up with self exclusions etc. So just a welcome post from me. Hope to see you posting more
All the best
Welcome to the site, just look around, see what helps here.
Lots more help available, including the likes of GA, what you got to lose? tri
Hi LeeAlex1981,
A very warm welcome to the forum, and thank you for your post.
From your story, it seems like much as you’ve been struggling with your gambling problem lately, you have put in the efforts, and taken the necessary steps to come clean to your wife and family (not your own family though). Hopefully, that with your family will happen when you feel ready, and it’s only you who will know when.
Every step forward is important, and you need all the support you can get to overcome your gambling problem. I can see some forum members have come to your aid with support and suggestions already.
It’s a step in the right direction when you managed to find and share your story in our forum, and also glad that Gamcare is able to provide this platform for people with gambling problem to off-load, and make their burden a bit lighter.
With your determination to stop gambling, and the advice and help you’ll get from us (and that is if you stick to the strategies), you’ll hopefully progress with your recovery, and moved from I week to 2 weeks, and so on, and so forth. It’s doable, and you can do it, Lee!
I suggest that you contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, for further advice on strategies, and also for counselling, in case you haven’t already done that.
I wish you a continuous progress with your recovery, and please keep posting.
Kind regards,
Beatrice
Hi thanks for the advice.
Im finding it hard.
My wife wants to control everything from phone to my accounts. Already ordered non smartphone. The blockers on computer and smartphone cost a lot of money though. Started to do so.
My wife booked appt with the GP surgery and wants needs the joint counselling.
Ive lied to her, let myself and family down. Hard for them. My folks dont know but will once back from holiday. They will be very disappointed and probably distraught too with my actions just will change everything.
I have 2 young kids, I keep saying they would be affected if parents split. I would be so financially impacted too.
Been a relief to go to work but when I get home, just the atmosphere is deflating. My kids happy to see me and give me strength.
I just dont want hurt my wife anymore!
Hi,
My wife still controls most things financial and it works. No more little trips to the bookies as I did not carry cash or cards for a very long time. To be honest its something you will get used to and still to this day doesnt really bother me.
If is helps to stop gambling and move into recovery it is a small price to pay.
Best wishes
Hi Lee, it was nice to have a chat with you tonight. I have been in the same postition as you - told my husband then after a few months started gambling again and when I told him for the second time he was so disappointed. I had not put the barriers up high enough and approached recovery half-heartedly. Now we are in a completely different position - i have a joint card which my husband can check at any time and I make sure I account for every penny I spend. I have been gamble free for 91 days this time and I believe that with these measures in place I have lost the urge to gamble. I keep myself busy doing online courses with FutureLearn and try not to think too much about the past few years and direct my energy into recovery and a gamble free life.
Your wife is understably upset and by taking control she is safeguarding herself and the wee ones but she is also saving you from yourself because she loves you. Don't fret about not having money to hand, let your wife do what she feels she needs to do with regards to the financial side of things. She also feels betrayed and probably thinks that some couple counselling would help get things out in the open. She obviously loves you a lot as she is putting so much effort into helping you. She feels she needs to get things off her chest and is also looking for answers, hence the reason why she has told others.
Take a deep breath. Now you have done well in staying gamble free and that's just a start. Go to counselling if it is important to your wife. Be a wee team and beat this odious addicition - you are young, you have a young family and a loving wife and you have everything to llok forward to. Get your $hit together and forget about controlling the finances - let your wife do that and you can concentrate on controlling your addiction. We owe this to our families and ourselves to get the most out of life without wasting it on gambling.
I wish you and your wife every success. You are here and that's a great start xxx
I value your comments highly Annie. Thanks.
I think even though been 5yrs married & 2 kids that Ive used my heart and not my head.
Ive tried to be happy in my relationship throughout but Ive felt something been missing.
It was wrong but the gambling was some kind of fulfillment. Been very foolish however.
The gambling actually makes the problems that you're trying to solve with it a whole lot worse.
Hi LeeAlex, how you doing?
Pretty tough Annie...my head hurts with trying to work things and what I want 100%. I think I want to leave wife and start afresh, the love not been right in my eyes. I have a wife, kids, house at stake and Im 35. Will I ever be satisfied?
Awaiting consultations with counsellor though had initial conversations and been on here too. All good help.
It's so frustrating for all but I have to make a decision once a for all. Stupid putting wife and family through this. I dont have a crystal ball to tell me what's around the corner. No more lies though.
No, you won't be satisfied. You can change your wife, change your kids, change your job, change your location, your house, your car...none of it will satisfy you. Because the problem lies with you and you can't run away from yourself. Not physically, not by gambling.
And those around you may prefer not to be regarded as you regard them. Your wife may prefer a husband who respects her and treats her as such.
You gamble because, driven by addiction, you place the bet. You place it. Not your wife, your kids, your boss, your car etc.
If you blame everyone and everything around you, it keeps the gambling going. Or you could make real changes, you could take steps via GC or GA to look at you, put real blockers in place and you'd see a difference.
The final choice between using and recovery lies with you.
CW
LeeAlex, you need to stay gamble free and work on that with your counsellor. Do not rush into anything you might regret. When our heads are bursting with all the c**P that goes with our addiction we often do not think straight. Do you really want to leave your wife and kids? Are you sure you do not love her? When I was at the height of my addiction I could only think of online gambling to give me a rush, a bit of excitement and, as a result, didn't look for it at home. In the past, before my gambling started, if my husband and I argued we would make up very quickly but when I was gambling I would keep the argument going until the point I lost interest in him as I had my beloved slots to comfort me. Also if we argued I would see it as an excuse to bet again, somehow in my mind I would blame him for this. I realise now that this was not the case and accept that the failing was mine and not his.
Your wife appears to be doing as much as she can to sort the mess out and it's important to remember she has never been in this position before and as well as dealing with the financial aspects of the fallout, she will also be questioning her role in all of this. It is my opinion that one should not stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids if you are not happy however, I do think you should be 100% certain your marriage cannot be saved before making any rash decisions.
I really wish you well and hope you get things sorted. Take care LeeAlex and catch up with you soon xx
Hi pal, how's it going?
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