Hi all I have decided I need to hold myself accountable to others and after reading some of the posts on here I can see what great support you all give. I would really appreciate it if you could read my story and give me some encouragement and advise to get my life back on track.
I have been gambling since I was a child and being 50 now you'd think I'd know better! About 3 years ago I thought enough was enough and got some great help with the online counselling from Gamcare. I managed to stop for over 2 years and then last January was invited to a meal in a casino and thinking I had my addiction under control chanced £50 which I think turned into £70 and I lost! (Surprise Surprise!) I felt that buzz again and should of known from that feeling to run to the hills however a few weeks later was in a pub and couldn't resist the flashing lights and £100 went. Now after quitting gambling for over two years I had a few thousand pounds saved so that £100 loss could of easily been written off but I didn't like losing it and decided on the drive home to try and win it back in a casino. I spent 11 hours in the casino embarrassingly leaving at 9am. In this time I had lost - got more cash out of the cash machine and eventually at some point was actually winning but inevitably being in a casino for 11 hours left £900 down on top of the £100 I had lost in the pub.
So a year on I am now down to the tune of over £20,000 with about £8000 of this in debt to credit cards. I have a tax bill to pay at the end of the month on top of all the usual bills but it didn't stop me from going to the bookies yesterday chancing another £700 mainly from the credit card that at the start of the year has kindly increased my limit to another £1000 - thanks very much 🙁
The strange thing about my gambling habits this time around is that the more I gamble the less chance there is of me walking out with any winnings which I suppose backs up the theory that we don't do it for the money! Yesterday I had winnings totalling £1700 with another £160 clutched in my sweaty palms ready as back up. At one point I looked at the amount and thought this would go a long way to paying the tax bill and rent etc and still maybe have some over in my pocket but I just went on and on until the total was zero put in the rest of the cash turned to the cashier and once again smiled and said 'Bye'.
My next port of call is then the Sainsbury's next door and soothe my losses with a packet of chocolate biscuits, three crunchie bars and a kit kat. Made myself a cup of tea went to my bedroom to lick my wounds. That was about 6pm last night I am still in bed at 2.30pm the next day so this clearly has to stop.
Anyway I could waffle on for ages as I think through how I have landed myself back in it over last year but I obviously never found that something to fill the 'void' in those two and a half years or I wouldn't be back where I am.
So Day 1of being clean is today 20th January 2015 exactly 1 year and 4 days after I started again! I intend to post every day to be accountable for my actions!
Hi cats644,
Your very descrptive story really does take us down to the nuts and bolts of your problem gambling.
The fact that you feel the need to be accountable (to yourself and others) is a plus - as is your willingness to re-start the recovery process.
You say you feel as if there has been a void in your life. I very much hope that 2015 allows you to find greater contentment in this respect. I'm wondering if some sort of community/charity work might appeal. Or maybe a friend, relative or neighbour might need some kind of support or helping hand?
In any event, I do wish you well in your efforts. The fact that you managed to abstain from problem gambling for two years is something to be proud of despite the relapse.
Very kind regards,
Forum admin
(Robert)
Thank you Robert for your kind words and support. Yes I think it a good idea to look for some charity work I could help with, that appeals to me. I was always intending on coming on this forum offering words of support after I had finished my counselling as I felt in such a good place at that time. I remember saying to my friends and family how amazing I was feeling like I had a new life. Reading the stories on the forum I realise how it would of helped me keep on track and I feel quite certain I wouldn't of had my relapse! But hey ho I'm now ready to start over. I will start my diary soon
Thanks again
Cats
Cats644 you have proven by doing this once you can do it again , think about how long you previously went and how good that felt , even after a few weeks of non gambling you will feel better , yes you have had a blow out , but its now time to realise what you have done and start again , start a diary and let the other members on here help you through this.
Hi cats well done for trying again.
Recovery does not begin when we stop using. It only begins when we create a new life where using is something that is not needed to soothe our emotional troubles & tribulations. Until we face the issues that led us to gambling in the first place addiction will always remain lurking in the background waiting patiently to become our solution of choice again
Thank you John and Day for your support I intend to start a diary tonight. I so get what your saying with recovery starting when we create a new life and I threw myself into some parts of my life I felt I had been neglecting. I had some goals but lost sight of them probably because I wasn't achieving them fast enough and they are still ongoing. I know the life I want but even with the 2 years away from gambling don't seem to be getting any closer and this is what gets me so frustrated.
I feel a very long and lengthy diary coming because there is so much going on in my head that I need to either get rid of for good or put into action so I apologise in advance for the forthcoming ramblings!
Hi cats644
I really hope you are able to stop gambling again, your story is very similar to my own so I understand exactly understand how you're feeling, I also end up eating chocolates and biscuits when I've lost! I'll be rooting for you!
Hi Cats644,
It's one of those situations where you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get back on the right path. You know that you have it in you to stop, and 2 years is a long time. For anyone that is on these forums, the moment Pandora's box is opened there is only going to be one outcome. Like you I've broken many times, and decided this is it. The first thing I look at in the morning is these forums and reading it will give you a good boost as the reasons why not to gamble. GA is also really good so maybe see if you can get along to a night or two. Honesty, acceptance of the issues you are facing and staying positive will really help with your recovery.
Thank you both Debrarose and Better life, it really is so nice that people care it's very touching. I don't like to tell my family and friends that I had a relapse because they were so supportive of me the first time I stopped that I don't want to let them down and put them throught the worries all over. I feel very strong and positive so I am in a good place. I took a good 3 mile walk today, ironically having to call into a William Hills bookies to collect some mail off my friend who works there! Unfortunately one of the letters he gave was a £100 parking fine for being over parked by 42 minutes. I intended on starting my diary last night but instead spent four hours on MSE forums looking to fight my case. So not a great time to come but I did manage to stay away from the chocs and biscuits Debrarose and yes Better life I love the thought that I can come on here for much needed support from the forums. Many many thanks to all of you x
Hi cats644, welcome back to recovery 🙂
The beauty of this site is, it's 24/7 & whether or not you have your own diary & people are posting to you directly, you only need to read a few pages to realise that there is support in abundance for everyone! I took ages to get mine written down & did it in stages because I had so much to write!
I admire that you have not given up giving up! This is not an easy journey & I thank-you for having the courage to come back & warn those of us walking the path to always stay on our guard! I get that the speed the goals came frustrated you but surely your days in recovery were less stressful than the ones you have had of late? Maybe set some shorter terms goals to go with the long ones that have no doubt been pushed back even further by this blip! Don't ever underestimate how amazing 2 years in recovery is, you can do this - ODAAT
hi cats644 im in exactly same situation same age should no better feel terrible cant eat the sinario goes on and on i was thinking shall we try and chat everyday to support each other i feel like i need support and to chat would be great im thinking i will try and chat every evening as this is always my worst time ..your story is exactly mine as are all the others on this site .this is day two for me im hoping by end of week i will start feeling more positive about things
Thanks Odaat and Lara. I haven't been on the site for a couple of weeks but I still haven't been tempted since Januar 19th so I'm feeling quite pleased. I think one of the reasons for this is having to sort out my tax that I had neglected for the whole year anyway I have that sorted. I am trying to keep focussed on my work now and decided to cut out alcohol for the moment as it seemed to put me on a high and with the high came a low! I can see chocolates and biscuits are going to be next as they seem to have a similar effect 🙁
Thanks Odaat I feel pretty good coming on too and having read some of the threads I have enjoyed reading your positive words and guidance it really is quite inspirational.
I really hope Lara that you have a good few days and yes let's fight this together. It feels like our own little world on this forum like a bubble of positivity and wonderful thoughts protecting us from the rest of the world! I love it!!!
Hello cats644,
I can relate to your story, as I roughly the same age, with multiple quits. One thing about this life, is that it is definately a live and learn life. I too thought that a simple bet after not gambling for a long period of time could surely not be harmful. I of course was wrong. Just one bet brought back all the rush. We are human and all have our limits. It has taken a while to understand that. Mine is that I just can't control gambling. I am ok with that now. Become ok with that and you are on the road to success.
Wishing you nothing but success!
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