New and need advice

Hi Sunnysky,

Welcome to the GamCare Forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I am sorry that you are going through a really tough time with your partner and his gambling. It's understandable that you are experiencing trust issues and this can be really hard.

There is plenty of support available to you and any family members that may want to contact us. Please feel free to contact the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline to discuss this further.

Can I also suggest visiting our website where there is lots of support and advice. We operate a chatroom for family and friends between 9.30-10.30pm every Thursday. You may find this a useful resource.

Regards

Dan

Forum Admin

Hi Sunnysky

I am sorry to hear of your partners struggles. I don't really have any particular advice for you because it is such a personal decision, but I wanted to reach out to you as I too am in a similar predicament. 

I am also due to get married later this year and I found out on Saturday night that my partner had a relapse and lost quite a bit of money gambling again at the back end of last year / beginning of this for the second time.

The first time I found out there was a problem was just after I had returned to work, after the maternity leave of our second child, almost 3 years ago. I told him at that time if he ever did it again I'd be off,  as I have the kids to think about. I also told him at the time I would never marry him. Well he appeared to be doing so well and had been over 2 years gambling free when he proposed that i accepted his proposal. I thought he'd cracked it and for the sake of our kids should anything unexpected happen I thought that us being officially married would benefit them in the long run. 

So flash forward to Saturday the wedding is really the reason I found out. My partner was still paying off a bit of debt from last time. Should not have been large amounts of outstanding debt but because he continued to have a bit of a life after the first admission, I was expecting some. Anyway i had been asking to see his credit report, (which he had shown me regularly in the early days of his last recovery) because with the wedding looming I wanted to be sure I was not tieing myself financially to somebody who was a financial liability. Well he kept making excuses or saying later and after a couple of days I pressed him on it and that's when I found out the extent of his relapse. 

I'm still not quite sure what to do about the wedding and my situation may possibly be different in the fact i have kids, and you don't mention any? But anyway my current thoughts on things are, that the main reason I was prepared to get married for the benefit of my kids should anything happen to either of us, still stands. (I'm a total romantic right). I always thought that if you were married your partner's debt instantly becomes your debt but that appears not to be true. There do appear ways to keep yourself being protected financially even if married, so I suppose they are the pros.

I have said that regardless of if we do get married or not I will not stand for it a 3rd time, I will take the kids and go, and I mean it. So you could say if I do go ahead with the wedding I am going into it more prepared for divorce. The thing is though I dont suppose that should be my main consideration. Everybody knows really when entering a marriage that divorce is a possibility for many reasons I'm just a bit more awake to that possibility. I also think if I am prepared to stand by him and give him another shot, maybe I should be just as prepared to give marriage a go, there is not much difference to our current set up. I do love my partner we are a good family unit. Gambling aside he is a good man. So from a personal level I dont know if I am prepared to cancel the wedding and face the embarrassment of the situation. Ultimately I would have to make everybody aware of my partners issue if we cancelled, because I certainly would not want to lie to those closest to me as to why I called it off. 

Sorry I have rambled on a bit and as I'm sure you can see my head is still all over the place. I am going to get counselling to try to get my own thoughts clear. I too am fully going to take over his finances for a short period of time, but like you have no desire to do that forever. Whatever you decide I wish you well. It's sad how this is overshadowing what should be a happy and exciting time for us. Lord knows with the coronavirus it has been difficult enough to be a bride this year.

I suppose I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I get the anguish this will be causing you. I wish you lots of strength and best wishes.