I did 97 days. Then relapsed completely out of nowhere.

I was doing OK. 97 days is the longest I've gone for about 10 years. And let me tell you, when you stop gambling, life does become better. All aspects of life just become more real. More nicer. 

Honestly, it was completely out of nowhere. I lost £1200 in the space of two hours online. 

Unfortunately there are so many ways to able even with blocks in place. I just went online and kept losing. But before I did, it was almost like I could feel something disgusting and evil start to.take over me. And I've been thinking all night about why. 

The last time I gambled, was a few days after a birthday night out with my friends 3 months ago. They all left me to go to a place closer to where they live. It was still early in the night. These were like my closest friends. It was weird. I felt alone. 

The day before yesterday, when I gambled, I was left in a bar by my girlfriend and her family. They caught a train home and I don't live in the same town and made my own way home which took ages and I kinda felt the same like I did on my birthday. Although neither were malicious or intentional on their parts. 

I remember telling my friends how awful I felt that they left me for their own convenience. They each apologised but I haven't seen them since and I've known them all for over 20 years. I told my girlfriend yesterday, I kinda felt the same as I had on my birthday and she laughed it off. 

The reason I'm saying all this is because I'm trying to pinpoint EXACTLY why I gambled after 97 days of not. 

What was I feeling? I'm going to bullet point the feelings in case it helps anyone:-

Abandoned. I wasn't thought of. 

Loneliness.

Self sabotaging due to low self-esteem.

Not being listened to or taken seriously. 

I'm literally on the verge of buying a house on my own with help from my mum. I've been gambling for 23 years and I've hated myself for so long. I think I'm trying to tell anyone that may read this, PLEASE try not to dislike/hate yourself even if others make you feel like that. My mother literally puts me down everyday. And I always wonder whether that's where it stemmed from. Or being bullied as a child. Those things can make you hate yourself and gambling is the obvious escapism.