I was doing OK. 97 days is the longest I've gone for about 10 years. And let me tell you, when you stop gambling, life does become better. All aspects of life just become more real. More nicer.
Honestly, it was completely out of nowhere. I lost £1200 in the space of two hours online.
Unfortunately there are so many ways to be able to, even with blocks in place. I just went online and kept losing. But before I did, it was almost like I could feel something disgusting and evil start to take over me. And I've been thinking all night about why.
The last time I gambled, was a few days after a birthday night out with my friends 3 months ago. They all left me to go to a place closer to where they live. It was still early in the night. These were like my closest friends. It was weird. I felt alone.
The day before yesterday, when I gambled, I was left in a bar by my girlfriend and her family. They caught a train home and I don't live in the same town and made my own way home which took ages and I kinda felt the same like I did on my birthday. Although neither were malicious or intentional on their parts.
I remember telling my friends how awful I felt that they left me for their own convenience. They each apologised but I haven't seen them since and I've known them all for over 20 years. I told my girlfriend yesterday, I kinda felt the same as I had on my birthday and she laughed it off.
The reason I'm saying all this is because I'm trying to pinpoint EXACTLY why I gambled after 97 days of not.
What was I feeling? I'm going to bullet point the feelings in case it helps anyone:-
Abandoned. I wasn't thought of.
Loneliness.
Self sabotaging due to low self-esteem.
Not being listened to or taken seriously.
I'm literally on the verge of buying a house on my own with help from my mum. I've been gambling for 23 years and I've hated myself for so long. I think I'm trying to tell anyone that may read this, PLEASE try not to dislike/hate yourself even if others make you feel like that. My mother literally puts me down everyday. And I always wonder whether that's where it stemmed from. Or being bullied as a child. Those things can make you hate yourself and gambling is the obvious escapism.
It may not seem like it now but you should congratulate yourself on getting to 97 days, like you said if that's the longest you've gone in ten years. So you were on the right path and doing things right. This only has to be a slightly setback and you can get straight back on the right path again.
I mean there is usually a lot going on under the surface psychological when it comes to gambling. You seem to identify possible reasons for why you turned to gambling. From what you say it feels like you may have abandonment issues and overreact to situations or it's possible you just don't loved by the people in your life, which again either be something you or imagining or exaggerating or may it have some solid truth to it. Ultimately sound like you are using gambling as running away from having to feel uncomfortable. It never works out in the end, you have to try and sit in the comfort because otherwise you'll forever be running towards something to escape it. Ultimate you've got to take responsibility for everything in life, you can't control how people act around you, but you can control how you communicate with these people and how you react to situations around them. I find myself doing the same sometimes, but shifting the blame somewhere else is something that you cannot do that. That will only lead you down the path to find excuses to gamble again.
Hi mate well done for reaching out 97 days is a great achievement so donr be too hard on yourself i started recovery back in 2010 so i am fully aware of the lapses managed few months to around 3 years followed by a major relapsed i realised for me i never invested enough time towards my recovery at most i did 2 Ga meetings a week then just 1 one since my last relapse i have been a regular on this site am back to 3+ years bet free difference is i am more aware about the addiction i have also had to make drastic lifestyle changes for it to work which has now helped me going forward u can have this life for yourself i dont believe this is a coincidence i still have the odd days where i am tested however it feel more like a decision now rather then the strong urgues i use to get i hope this helps👍
@h0jb3fsyvp Hello. Thanks for your reply.
Yeah I get you. It's how each person that does gamble or have any kind of addiction that they are trying to stop, will turn to it when they are feeling down removed link It's almost like a comfort thing even though it's unhealthy for you.
@tazman Hi. Thanks for the message. Yeah I agree. I'm interested in what lifestyle changes you made? This may help me.
Hi Mukesh
I gambled for 44 years and am 209 days gamble free. I put all the blocks in place which helps but doesn't stop me wanting to gamble. That's where I started recovery by looking at myself and the escape to gambling.
Gambling is the solution for most compulsive gamblers but not the problem
@lp5vut869c It's so difficult. Sometimes I think I'm doing OK and then out of nowhere, it just comes up.
Hi Mukesh my gambling took place in venues in gambling establisments like casinos bookies arcades never online by gambling in places their wqs also a social eliment to why i gambled for me i had to find new activities hobbies i alao had to cut ties with anyone who gambled i believe these was one of the main issues people can be bad influence i had to cut ties fortunately i dont have direct family so wasent much of a problem for me coming on here regularly has elimanted any major risk has the support is incredible after 3 years the urgues are not like before when they do come like my last one was month back it didnt have time to manifest like it previously did and the urgue disapered faster then it came👍
@tazman Sounds like you're in a good place. I'm glad to hear that. Mine is literally always online.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
