One Year On...

Hi Claire,

I know exactly how you feel and being on your own in this problem is the worst kind of situation. I myself am early days in the recovery process but if there is one thing I can tell you so far, is that sharing this problem is so much better. It can be such an isolated and dark place when you have to keep this to yourself.

I told my sister this week, after 2 years of serious problem gambling and it was the best decision I have made. It’s not easy, it took everything I had to pluck up the courage but when you’re rock bottom, the only way is up. Keep strong and believe you can do it. Wishing you the best of luck in your recovery!

Hello, just wanted to wish you well on your journey.

Thank you both for your messages and best of luck to you both. I have become so isolated over the past few years that I do not have any close friends that I can confide in. My partner is himself a recovering gambling addict and for him to find out the extent of what I have done would set him back and I cannot do that to him. I did like to gamble in my teenage years before I met him but nothing for such a long time and I feel so bad knowing I have tried to support him in so many ways but have turned into something myself that I never thought I would be. It makes it worse knowing that I have seen first hand the devastation of his gambling yet here I am and I don’t know why. It isnt his fault and I fully accept it has been through my own stupidity but how the hell have I got here after all of that? The only other constant person in my life since I lost my mum suddenly is my sister and after she secured me a loan through many lies, I just cannot face the impact of her finding out and admitting my deceipt to her. I feel if I can sort this out myself with the support of people on here who know exactly what I am going through, I can beat this horrible disease and start afresh in time for Uni where I can start living again, be the mum I want to be and concentrate on my studies for a better future for us. My other half works so hard and tries to give us everything despite his problems and I feel a fraud and have to lie to him daily. I don’t even enjoy gambling anymore, it is a massive black cloud over my head and I feel utterly destroyed. I am supposed to be the one that have ‘saved’ my partner but can’t follow the advice and support for myself that I easily offer him. Everything is literally a lie and I have nothing but hatred for myself.

Online was my problem to and like yourself I have signed up with gamstop so can't do it now. Going to bookies holds absolutely no desire for me so I've got to 122 days without too much difficulty, sure I miss it sometimes but those feelings are becoming less and less and I concentrate on the future not the past. That is what I would say to you, look forwards to your Uni and how you can be the best person you can be to those closest to you. I promise you it will get better and you've done the right thing by putting restrictions in place, just stay strong and keep looking forward (I'm repeating myself now lol). Take care x

Thanks Silee70 and well done you on 122 days, a massive achievement!! I feel so much better just knowing I cannot access online gambling and it takes away the thoughts of do I don’t I. Despite all of the lies and deception, all I can do is start from here and now and try my hardest to becoming the person I know I can be and believing that I can do it. Once again, thank you for your messages. Even though I would not wish this on anybody, just knowing that I am not alone and other people are successfully overcoming this horrible addiction makes me feel like I am not alone. Take Care and keep me posted xx

Today I have woken up with a new sense of hope after completing my first day gamble free. This is an achievement in itself after such a long time and the fact I know I cannot access online casinos, whether I want to or not is very comforting. I wish I would have put these blocks in place months ago but then again, it has taken me to get a very low and dark place to want and be ready to defeat this. Although I am at the very beginning of my journey and I know I will have dark days along the way, just waking up without the devastation of a loss the night before is amazing. Although I did not tell my partner the real reason why, I have put in place blocks on his phone and will be ringing the internet provider today as a double back up so that neither of us can access anything online. He thinks this is part of his recovery and I know I should he honest with him but this is something I cannot do at this time. So many times I have lied to his face and told him a bill needed paying when in fact it was money I needed to see me through to get to work and for food after spending everything he had already given to me and my own money. But not any more. I had lost the value of money in my head when placing despoit after deposit on a daily basis and cannot believe the amounts I was willing to lose and chase for money I knew deep down I could never get back. It makes me feel physically sick and I don’t know how I did it. The money I get this week will be staying firmly in my account and I need to save what I can. Today is day two and I will remain gamble free, one day at a time. I can do this!!

So I wake up feeling positive and relieved that I cant access online gambling and with some hope for the future. Afew hours later, the kids are dropped off at school, I get home with food shopping and am sat alone in the kitchen...all I can think about is gambling and online slots. What is wrong with me?? Today is my day off work and its not like I dont have anything to do, in fact I have mounds of things to be getting on with but I cant seem to focus. I feel ashamed that these thoughts are even going through my head but a sense of relief that I cant access any form of gambling online. I just keep thinking how the hell am I supposed to get through this when I am only on day two?? How can you go from being so full of hope to this?? I hate myself that I have come to a point in my life where chasing money was more important than my kids and partner, my work and future. I know the only thing I can do is take each day at a time and try and be strong it just seems impossible. I feel terrible now but keep telling myself I would feel a whole lot worse after another loss that I simply cannot afford.

Hi Claire,

Sorry to hear that today has been more difficult. I’d be lying if I said we won’t have days like this but keep strong and believe you can. For me, most of the time it’s just habit and routine. I smoke, so when I say to my parter that I’m ‘popping out for a cigarette’ means I’m £*** down by the time I’m back. Stating the obvious and it goes without saying that there is no direct physical harm to your body through gambling, it’s all in the mind. This demon in my head plays havoc so I keep myself busy as much as I can.

Also don’t beat yourself up about this, look at the steps you’ve taken already. The hardest part for me was having to accept what I’ve done.. knowing I can’t change the past but focus on being a better you. That’s all you can do. Keep us in the loop and I know there will be better days ahead! X

Thanks Sjr12 I completely agree. My head has been all over today. The urges were so strong I very nearly went on my son’s ipad to gamble after suddenly realising it was the one thing that doesnt have a block on. Luckily, in my moment of madness I paid for another block before I could do any damage. Spent the rest of the day sleeping today away, willing for tomorrow and hoping that it gets easier day by day. Back in work tomorrow so the rest of the week will be busy and have made plans for the weekend so I can keep myself occupied. The worst part is the constantly thinking what the hell have I done and feeling sick over money that has been lost. This leads to thinking one last try to get some back or enough to not have to struggle but I know I need to accept that it has gone and gone for good. Glad now that I have no way at all to gamble online and have never been to a bookies so now all bases are covered and I will try and stay positive each day. Thank you for taking the time in posting and I wish you all the best x

Good luck Claire, I’ve also only just got over a week GF. I’m sure you know already but try to fill that you’re alone in the house. Can you catch up with friends you haven’t seen in a while? Either inviting them round or messaging them, I know myself I have been guilty of not taking an interest In my friends and families lives just so I can gamble. My dog has been getting walked a lot recently too and I’ve started leaving my phone at home just taking my iPod out and having some time to myself.

Try to forget about your losses and think about the money you will save every month by staying GF

Sending good thoughts to you 🙂

Same to you Leedsfan333 and thank you for taking the time to post. Today has been a mix of emotions to say the least. I went from waking up positive, trying to access gambling sites on my son’s ipad, stopping myself in enough time to quickly put a further block in place and wanting to sleep the day away! I have spent most of the day reading posts from new members like myself and recovery diaries of people who so far have managed to stay gamble free. I think that everyone pretty much starts off the same, joining after a big loss and finally admitting they have a big problem. Most start in a positive way of starting a new life and with positive thoughts. But as the reality sets in and a couple of days pass after initially forgetting that big loss, many like myself, will start to regress and have those thougts creeping in, trying to recover what they can one last time. It is when the initial feelings of loss and regret start to fade in the days after a big loss that the journey really begins. I now have all blocks in place and I hope that as the days pass the feelings and thoughts in my head will become easier. I will keep coming on here for the much needed support and hope I can also be of support to others. Another day gamble free and hoping for many more.

ClaireB wrote:

Same to you Leedsfan333 and thank you for taking the time to post. Today has been a mix of emotions to say the least. I went from waking up positive, trying to access gambling sites on my son’s ipad, stopping myself in enough time to quickly put a further block in place and wanting to sleep the day away! I have spent most of the day reading posts from new members like myself and recovery diaries of people who so far have managed to stay gamble free. I think that everyone pretty much starts off the same, joining after a big loss and finally admitting they have a big problem. Most start in a positive way of starting a new life and with positive thoughts. But as the reality sets in and a couple of days pass after initially forgetting that big loss, many like myself, will start to regress and have those thougts creeping in, trying to recover what they can one last time. It is when the initial feelings of loss and regret start to fade in the days after a big loss that the journey really begins. I now have all blocks in place and I hope that as the days pass the feelings and thoughts in my head will become easier. I will keep coming on here for the much needed support and hope I can also be of support to others. Another day gamble free and hoping for many more.

So glad you managed to stop yourself in time and remain GF. Totally agree I guess you need to just keep that big loss to the front of your mind. My worst vice is scratch cards to the point that I was coming back with no cash on me every time I went out. I’d stop at a shop and just continue to buy until I had nothing left. I don’t want to carry money not even £2 as I’m scared I’ll get the bug back. I just don’t trust myself

Please do keep coming back and sharing every time you get those urges just come here instead 🙂

Well done so far . Just to echo what others are saying it does get easier very quickly . Your brain is going into shock mode at the moment and the addiction is trying to get you to gamble . After a few days the poison does seep out when you realise that your blocks are in place . It’s withdrawal symptoms and it’s perfectly normal . Find something constructive to do with your time . You have no access to gambling sites but you are still a gambler who isn’t gambling at the moment . Once you find other things more worthwhile and sleep better at night , don’t have to stress and lie then you start becoming a non gambler . Just to reiterate it will get better just stick with it as the other option isn’t a good one

Thanks Leedsfan333 and Bryan, I will definately take your comments on board. Its scary how I even tried to gamble again yesterday as the memory of the last big loss begins to fade. So glad I did not as I would be feeling a hell of a lot worse today. Today will be another gamble free day on this long journey of recovery and I know I need to take one day at a time. Back in work today and will have no time to mull which is what I really need right now. Have night class tonight aftet work so will not be home until atleast 10pm. Thanks for the support, I would not be able to do this without it.