One Year On...

Claire, your life really does resonate with mine so much. My partner is an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 15 years. I had told him before a few years back and he drove me to GA meetings but me being the manipulator, eventually got my way and stopped going. I have just finished second year of my degree and as you say I have spent my finance on gambling. I really wish you the best on your new uni life. It’s a new chapter of your life and an enjoyable one if not marred by gambling xx

Morning Claire,

Thank you for your kind words it means a lot that I can give you some hope. i might not of seen your post for a few days other than a good friend I made on here messaging me to let me know.

When I came here I didn’t think I could go a few days without a bet but by listening and pushing myself out of my comfort zone it’s going well.

It’s great to see you have put some blocks in place and even closed a door you left ajar by blocking the kids iPad.

Gambling addiction thrives on secrecy, if your other half is in recovery he can help you, you say it will set him back I think him finding out would have a greater impact, everyone is different I never took the chance and told till it’s was too late. A good diary to read is Looxie’s another great inspirational diary who messaged me about your post.

The thought of GA is scary I turned around a couple of times before going through that door, it was the best thing I ever did, unfortunately ther are not enough females coming through the doors, look on here lots of females with diaries, gambling doesn’t discriminate and neither does GA. if you can pluck up that courage we will make you feel welcome.

Finally keep reading and sharing on here it helps massively.

KTF

Thanks Oldham, appriciate your response and think you are amazing for the support you give others.

All blocks are in place and I will give some thought to attending meetings as I have nothing to lose.

In respect of my partner, at the moment I just can’t face telling him. You would think the devastation of his problem would have stopped me but it didnt. We have struggled so much through the effects of his gambling, I just think at the minute I could not stand the embarassment of admitting it to him. I certainly have not practised what I have preached in terms of advice and help I have given him, and with him having done so well after many years of struggling I do not want to burden him. I think also, after the reaction from his family I am too scared for them to know as they have a zero tolerance and not much compassion where this is concerned.

I will read the other diaries as recommended as I find so much support and comfort from them. Once again, thank you and continue as you are. The difference in your story from the beginning to now is what will keep me going. Take Care

Hi Claire, welcome to the forum 🙂

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum 🙁 which may have contributed to the progress of your addiction but ask yourself, if she had been here, would you have told her? You may not want to hear this but none of your excuses wash because they aren’t about protecting other people, they are about protecting you. I know this because I spent years (literally as long as you have been alive) gambling & always had a reason for not coming clean...Daft thing is, once I did reach out, I was able to stop gambling & life has improved! As Martin says, the best people to help us addicts are other addicts who have walked in our shoes & don’t kid yourself that you have been the one to save him. Have a look @ the friends & family posts...The only person that can stop us gambling is us & if he wants to find a way, short of locking him up in isolation, he will find one.

Gambling may feel like a financial problem but it isn’t, it’s us self medicating mind problems such as fear & anxiety & boredom & grief. With an understanding of recovery under your belt already, I can not recommend GA highly enough but you may also want to consider counselling available through GamCare.

Don’t beat yourself up for having urges, it’s all part of recovery, what matters is not acting on them & every set you deal with takes a bit of power away from our illness. You can do this - ODAAT

OODAT - thank you for your post. I have never really thought about it like that and you are completely right, there is always an excuse. I think the main reason is that I don’t want anyone to know because I am utterly ashamed. People think I am this person that I know I am not and to have to admit it to anyone makes me feel sick. I hope in time, when I come to terms with the reality of what I have done, I will have the courage to get it out there. For the time being, being able to talk to people who understand and that are going through the same is just about enough.

I think I would have told my mum as she was the only person really there for me and I really wish I could confide in her now. She was taken away from me suddenly at the age of 47 and perhaps this did further my addiction as some sort of escape. My life was put on hold and it is only now that I am starting to further my career and go to Uni as I couldnt do this as planned at that time. I was left on my own with no support, had to decrease my hours at work with two small children and I have never felt the same since.

I am going to read your journey from your first post until now - each individual that documents their journey on here gives me hope and a sense that I am not alone in my struggle. Thanks again.

As I approach the end of day three, I cannot thank everybody enough who has taken the time to comment or offer advice. Today has certainly been better than yesterday and knowing all blocks are in place I have not attempted to gamble. I know in time I need to be honest to those in my life as I am sure I will need their support and I will work towards having the courage to doing this. But for now, I am grateful for three days gamble free and many more to come.

Taking that post on the chin like you have is testament to the fact that no-one can beat you up like you do & that serves no purpose in life unless we learn from it.

There’s a reason for my diary title & when I came here almost 4 years ago I was petrified of anyone finding out...Now, whilst I’m not exactly shouting “I’m an addict” from the rafters, I’m not afraid to say I go to GA. It softens the blow in my head because the fact that I’m doing something about it is important.

Just because we have addictions doesn’t mean we can’t still do the things we have always done for other people & as a parent you spend most of your life looking out for and after others...Somehow you have to figure out how to take time out to look after you. Addiction will promise you that gambling is your time, it will make you rich so you don’t have to work so hard & can look after people you love better...Addictions lies! There’s no fairytale to be won on a spinning reel or the turn of a card and happiness doesn’t come from material wealth, that just makes life more manageable & for most people on here who regularly have to survive on pennies, when we aren’t throwing good money after bad, we can live ok.

Maybe don’t waste too much time on my diary, it’s chaos & most of my pain is littered around the site where I hopped across to other diaries to answer questions. In short I’ve laughed & cried (not always happy tears) my way through first abstinence & now recovery & as much as I don’t think this site alone is enough for the long term without it, I don’t believe for one second I would be the calm & content person I am today.

You are definitely not alone & for me reading that other people were like me, happy & successful on the outside but broken within made accepting help possible. You are going to have up days & down days but I maintain that even my dark ones now don’t leave me wondering how I’m going to pay the next bill & after a lifetime of destruction that’s a pretty sobering feeling.

You survived the loss of your lovely mum & you can survive this...Keep talking keep reading & keep fighting - ODAAT