Scared, ashamed and low

Hello JulesG27

Welcome to the GamCare forum. Understandably you're really down on yourself at the moment. So it's even more important that you've taken the step to share your story here, because here you'll receive support from people who have been where you are. 

It's worrying that at some points recently you have felt like your loved ones would be better off without you. We hope you're now seeing that recovery is possible, that you have value and that there's hope. It sounds like you are thinking towards the future, and starting to tackle things, so that sounds more positive, but if you ever start having those kind of dark thoughts again, it's important to share them with those around you as they are best placed to keep you safe. You can also talk to the Samaritans on 116 123, and if you feel at immediate risk, you can call 999 or go to A&E. Your GP can also provide treatment if necessary, and connect you into local mental health services. 

It does sound like you're tackling the financial side of things, and you are feeling resolved not to gamble again. If you'd like to find out more about steps you can take to block yourself from gambling again, and free treatment on offer to help you set and stick to your goals, just contact us on the Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or by webchat. We're here 24/7.

You might also find the following pages of our website helpful:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/our-treatment-offer/

Keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin.

Hi Jules

Your story sounds very similar to mine with the exception I’m not married. 

It is is unfortunately, very normal to feel like you are feeling right now but with time it will get better the longer you are from your last bet. There are so many people here like yourself and I can assure you, you are not alone. I too started with online bingo, and then discovered the slots. This quickly snowballed from a small amount until it got so bad I would spend my entire wage within a day of getting paid. I am intelligent and have a very good job - the thing with addiction is is doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are rich, poor, young, old, male or female. It can affect anyone. 

First of all, well done for coming clean. That is one of the hardest things to do and usually lifts a lot of weight off. I am making the assumption that your gambling was online. Have you signed up to Gamstop? You enter your details and is blocks you accessing any online site that is registered with the Uk gambling association and you can choose up to 5 years. This has been a lifesaver for me and has put any online gambling to a stop. It may also be worth considering checking with your bank to see if they have the gambling transaction blocker feature. A lot of the banks are offering this these days so you can’t use your cards online for any form of gambling. 

I hope you’re holding up okay today and I would highly recommend that if you can, come and join the group chat which is daily at 1pm and 8pm. 

Lonely

Having been where your husband is my advice is that action will speak louder than words. He knows the worst (I hope? If there's anything you're keeping back, any secret accounts, tell him now before he finds out for himself). Get him to watch as you put your self exclusions in place, sign up for Gamstop, contact debt advice charities for advice.

Access to your accounts isn't enough. He needs to be in full control of the finances including ongoing access to all three credit agencies reports on you and him.

You can't make him believe you won't gamble again. It's unlikely he will anyway and frankly it's not in his interests to do so. What he will need is the knowledge that he's got the tools to protect himself and the household as far as possible to minimise any further potential damage and maybe look for support for himself if he needs it. What you can do is let your actions speak for you in blocking your access to gambling and look for counselling (free from Gamcare) and GA meetings so you can identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.

Thanks lonely

Thanks lonely

Your reply really helped me yesterday. Like you I’m supposedly intelligent I hold down and good responsible job it’s so hard to keep your face on though and go in and be dynamic when inside your crumbling. Anyhow I wanted to thank you because your post did really help me yesterday, it was a tricky morning because I was alone all morning in the house but I made sure I did plenty of jobs did some cleaning even managed to do some baking I was feeling a lot calmer with a few low points but I know this is to be expected for a while to come yet. I will do gamstop and I will join some of the chats. I think I need to speak to someone first  so I’m calling the helpline today. Thanks for your advice have a good day Jules

Thanks Deirdre I’m going to be using your help services and I really appreciate your help and advice. Thank you.

Thanks Lethe sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot. I hope things have settled down now and all is good. Thank you for your advice, I know 100% I’m never going back to gambling but I do appreciate that I need to use the help services and I am taking them up. I’m working with my husband to get through this and I 100% am not throwing my family away for the sake of a spin.  The emotional side of this is horrendous and that is what I need to work on. 
It took me an awful lot to come clean to my husband so when I did I held nothing back as shameful as it is, there are no more secrets. 
Im feeling positive that we can get through this and I think it will make us even stronger because I’ve learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life and I’m never ever going back to that dark place. It won’t be easy I know that. Have a great day and thanks. J

Hi Jules

Sorry to see you in this position. 

Unfortunately you are not alone and the despair and fear you feel is something most of us have felt. You really are amongst people who have gone through very similar experiences.

The one silver lining I believe I can offer is the further you can distance yourself from gambling the happier you will feel. The financial and relationship issues will take time to resolve but if you can stop gambling then you will gradually feel better about yourself and your life. Continue gambling and things will almost certainly continue to get worse and if you think things are bad now, wait until husband  has left you and you have lost your house. Just read a few of the diaries on here - you still have a long way to fall.

I say these things not to upset you further but because you are saying the familiar thing about not want to ever gamble again. I wrote this so often when I first confessed to my wife and genuinely believed it but two relapses later I don't have so much confidence in that belief. Our brains have been re-wired to crave the drug like endorphins that gambling causes. Few people want to gamble after a big loss or the devastating experience of having to confess to a loved one what they have done. However give it a month or three months or nine months in my case, the pain and humiliation has eased and the temptation can return. 

My best advice is put all the strong blocks in place now, while you are still in the worst stage. No access to money, no paypal accounts, Gamstop for the full 5 years (evidenced by your husband). If at any time you hesitate about one of the blocks because you realise that that really does mean you cannot gamble again, talk to your husband and make sure you go ahead with it. I really struggled to press the button on setting up Gamstop because I realised it really did mean I could not gamble again - that made me realise I had to do it because in the back of my mind I obviously still thought that one day I could safely have another little go.

Good luck and keep posting. 

Hi muststop

Thanks for your message it does make me feel slightly better knowing I’m not alone, your advice is really good and I will be taking up gamstop with my husband watching because I really do not want to gamble again and I couldn’t feel any lower - I guess I could if I had fallen as far as some people and lost my loved ones,  but this is about as much as I can take, so I don’t want to get any further down and I know I’m not going back. I appreciate your advice though and this is wise.
I actually feel physically sick with it and very anxious and so ashamed. I can’t wait to be far removed away from it. 

Thanks for the message means a lot. 
keep being strong! 

J

Hi Jules

Im glad the post helped you to realise you aren’t alone in this. Sadly there are so many in the same situation or have been there. What matters is what we do next! We can beat ourselves up for years, we can go over the money we have lost and so many others thing but unfortunately we cannot undo the past or change what we have done. What we can do is change our future, show our loved ones through actions not words how sorry we are and one of the important things I feel in order to recover is to learn to like or even love ourselves again. We have to accept the losses and the damage and concentrate on repairing the damage we have done. 

I saw something a while back along the lines of:

”Its okay to glance in your rear view mirror every now and again but don't stare to long otherwise you’ll have an accident. 

I very much think this applies to a gambling addiction. We shouldn’t forget the damage and pain we’ve caused ourselves and others so glancing back and reminding ourselves why we stopped is important but If we stare and fixate on the losses, the pain etc... we stop ourselves moving forward and are more likely to fall and go back. 

I know it is all very fresh but try and be kind to yourself and focus on all the things you can do and not all the things you have done. I hope the above makes sense. 

I hope you are feeling a little better today. 

Lonely

Thanks again Lonely I’m getting there slowly and counselling set up so hopefully that will help. I have spoken to the helpline and had a good talk and it all helps. Will keep in touch. Hope  all good with you thanks again J