Hi everyone.
I would greatly appreciate the response from people, because this site is filled with people who understand, and write now I feel so disconnected from everyone cause have no one I can relate to.
Im a female who is extremely depressed and do not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have known for a while now that I have been depressed, but all I have done is keep myself busy by doing the things I enjoy. It wasn't until I realized my hobby was not helping me to forget my problems that I realized the severity of my problem. As my hobby had always been able to help me block things out, but now it is just making me perform worse and hate the one thing I have loved all my life.
I have an alcoholic mother, and so since the age of 10 when my brother moved out, I have had to be the adult and my mum the child. I have missed out on my childhood because of this, and have been unable to build friendships and relationships because I am always so serious around everyone. This is because I have always had to be, from having my mum call me up crying when I was 12 saying I had to come home because she couldn't cook dinner, or I had to go to the shop and get her things. She constantly texts me saying horrible things such as; she is going to kill herself, pointing out my faults, but taking the credit for the good I have done in my life.
The friendships I have built, I have burned all of those bridges, because I have not been a very forgiving person. I have not been able to forgive people for hurting me, when really everyone makes mistakes. And I have been so use to being hurt from a young age, I just push them away. I mean it's easier to push myself away, than it is to fix my problems.
I have had a couple of relationships, but nothing as important as the one I was most recently in until today. I was with my girlfriend for one year, and she may hate me for talking about this in a public forum (if she were to read it) but it's not like anyone would figure out who it I am, etc, and it's important that the people know the whole story so they can give their opinion. At the beginning of our relationship, she had to deal with some very tough things, and tbh it is something I could have decided to not stick around for, but I did because I wanted to be someone she could count on and talk to me whenever she needed/cry on my shoulder, etc but more importantly because she was everything I could have wanted in someone and so I thought it would be worth it.
Our relationship was good for the most part, a bit testing at times, but isn't everyone's? I went to the UK to see family in April and was extremely down there, because I was basically scared that in a years time, I would have to return on a permanent basis. It wasn't a very good experience, I realized that I did not have many friends, and my family is so dysfunctional, which meant that all the things I had done my best to put to the back of my mind were resurfacing. Anyway, I returned back to the US and continued my job, while looking for other positions, to give me the opportunity to hopefully stay on a more permanent basis. 1) because I want to stay here, because that's where the opportunities are for the profession I want to get in to, 2) I have gotten myself a lovely American family, and it's giving me everything I didn't get when I was younger and 3) because my heart is (now was) here.
The search has been very unsuccessful, and because I have never had much stability in my life it has really gotten to me, because not having the stability clearly was not by choice, it was something forced on me in my childhood. So that caused me to not enjoy the one thing that I have always loved, and so finally with my then girlfriend telling me I need help and hating the one hobby I loved I realized it was time to get help. So I returned from where I was living while playing soccer, to get help and I guess you could say things have taken a turn for the worse. I had thought about ending my life, and while I would never do it because of the pain, the thoughts were still there. I would tell my girlfriend the thoughts in my head, and I guess with her problems it had all gotten a little too much for her. It really didn't help, the horrible things I was saying to her, and after I received a phone call from one of my "american family" members I perked up a little bit and become more rationale and apologized to my girlfriend, and told her I was going to get help. I also told her, that she needed to decide whether she wanted to be with me through my rehabilitation or not and that she could use the time on vacation to decide and let me know in a week or so's time.
I then went on to have a really good evening with a friend, who I had pushed away previously and I opened up to her and told her how bad I was feeling, and that I was depressed, etc. It was good to tell someone not so far away from me, and then when I woke up my girlfriend text me, saying she had already made her mind up, a mere 14 hours later and said she can't give her all to me and so it wouldn't be fair to stay together. It broke my heart in to tiny little pieces and for anyone reading this who has been depressed/is depressed, you know it's a horrible thing going from an incredible high to incredible low.
It is heart breaking to know that the one person I love, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, couldn't be actually with me and help support me through all of this. I hated her for it (and I told her that a long with wishing I had never met her, etc) because I just couldn't understand how she couldn't be there for me in my time of need, like I was there for her when she needed me? But what I said was wrong, and I can't blame her for it, we are all made differently. I can't blame her for not being able to handle, what I had been handling from my childhood, because that was forced upon me.
It just really makes me upset (tears streaming down my face) that we will never be together again. I know I am in a bad state and am not thinking particularly straight, but the one thing I know for sure, is that I can't afford to get better and then have her come back in to my life. Because what if I were to get sad, I would be too scared to voice it to her, because I would be too scared that she would up and leave again. I cannot have that thought in my head and in the relationship once I get better.
But today, after calling yesterday and today, I have finally gotten myself a counselor and will be seeing her for the first time on monday. I am writing down all the things that have troubled me in the past on a word document, which I will print and take to her. I think this will be a tremendous help, and I am really looking to getting better. I want nothing more than to feel "normal" again, and have a way of dealing with rejection, etc, in the proper way, instead of constantly shutting down and pushing everyone away.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, and even though right now I have so much hatred and anger in my heart and head towards my ex, I know she came in to my life for a reason and I can now move forward without her and make sure that I do not make the same mistakes in any future relationships. I also believe I have not been successful at applying for jobs because right now I must focus on myself. I know deep down, that if I had gotten any of the jobs, I would have pushed my problems to the back, and my mental health and well being is too important to do that.
I have had a gambling problem before because it helped me forget about my problems, and I am so SCARED about starting my bad habit again. I just hope that having a counselor will help me not do the things that I am thinking.
I am doing this all for me and no one, and the person who I eventually do settle down with, will get a great person. Someone who is strong mentally, and a rock for them in their time of need, because I have a lot of love to give. So here is to the road of recovery, getting better and starting new beginnings and forming new relationships.
Thanks for reading.
LFC1990
Hi lfc1990,
Well-done for coming on this site and being so open about yourself. I assume when you talk about your hobby that you are referring to gambling?
The very evilness about being a compulsive gambler is that we isolate ourselves while in the midst of our addiction and then when we start the process of recovery, we kind of need those people who we have pushed away.
I see you have agreed to see a counsellor and that is good because you have listed a few problems, depression, issues in your child hood and current relationship problems which you are using your 'hobby' to escape from.
Like yourself I have always had a great deal going on around me and continue to have. Recently I discovered my partner has been gambling after my own struggle to quit gambling since November last year, it has been a bit of a slap in the face and has almost caused me to give up on giving up if you like. I was lucky enough to be given some sound advice in the last few days.
The advice I was given was simple focus on looking after yourself, be selfish. At first I thought that was pretty contradictory, as a gambler I was pretty selfish! However I had one of those light bulb moments last night during one of those debates I have with myself in my mind and I got it!
I keep doing things for everyone else and trying to make the world a better place, when I am exhausted, lonely and living in turmoil within myself. I hate conflict and want to please everyone even at my own expense.
When I look back at this it seems stupid and yet so true. I would encourage you to sort out what it is you are running away from and come to piece with it, some of it you cannot change but you can change how you deal with it.
When you have come to piece within yourself positivity will become more common as will dealing with those negative thoughts.
Take care,
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