Hi everyone
Sorry for the lengthy first post.
I’m in my late 20s and have always been sensible with money. At the start of the year I split with my long term partner and ended up moving back in with my parents. I got severely depressed and lost my job. One day a friend started telling me how she had won during online bingo. With my savings starting to dwindle I thought I’d give it a shot. I had no luck at bingo but found myself playing online slots and winning.
I quickly moved onto online roulette and this game will forever be my downfall. The odds are ridiculous but somehow that makes it more exciting.
I’d never had bad credit before but quickly I had maxed out my credit card, gone too deep into my overdraft and applied for a couple of payday loans to get me through the week. My debts were mounting and I was alone, nobody knew and I was too terrified to tell anyone. Whilst my friends were out having fun or buying houses I was sat at home in my parents box room trying to claw back any money I could on roulette, how sad is that.
Then one day when I was down to my last £50 which was given to me as a birthday gift, I won big. I won 8 grand. I knew how lucky i was but the excitement didnt last long. I withdrew the money and fully intended to self exclude before I gambled it away again. I managed to pay off my debts apart from one payday loan and buy myself some things I had needed for a long time along with some treats for my family (mostly out of guilt). When people asked how I suddenly had money I lied and said I had won at bingo.
Of course a few days later I was back online, trying to chase another big win. That may seem greedy, I know many people who could only dream of having that amount of money but I was so drawn into a cycle of winning and losing that to not gamble any money I had seemed strange to me. Money didnt seem real to me anymore when I was playing roulette, it was just a game to me and I was lost in the fog.
Anyway I quickly lost whatever money I had left and when my card was declined I felt physically sick. How could I have been so stupid, how could I be so greedy and selfish.
I got a call from the online site I used stating ‘their concerns’. The man on the phone told me they were concerned I had won big and lost it all and was it time to close my account? What a pity they hadnt offered their ‘support’ when I won big and still had hold of the money! Anyway this was a big wake up call to me - a stranger was judging my gambling and expressing concerns. I could see through the companys actions. Enough was enough.
I finally confessed to my parents what had been going on. It was awful, they shouted and cried and it made me feel like the smallest person on the planet but its out there now and I no longer have to carry around this burden alone. I’m not sure that they will ever forgive me but I have to live with that and prove to them I want to get better. I feel like the worst person to walk the earth everyday when I wake up and my depression is worse than ever. The worst part is that I blame myself and refuse to see that gambling is an addiction and an illness. Self loathing isnt going to help me get better.
If any positives can come from this it is that I paid off some of my bigger debts and have now self excluded from all of my accounts. If anyone has any other tips please let me know.
Sorry again for the lengthy post and thanks if you stuck with me to the end
Hi Kate, I HAVE to turn my phone off now or I’ll be an angry bear in the morning but didn’t want to leave your post unanswered. You’re not alone in your mindset & I will write enough tomorrow (well later on today) to help you sleep but for now, welcome to the forum 🙂
Huge steps from you today & I’ll leave you with this (from an old friend of mine Ade2): Recovery is possible - ODAAT
Hi Kate I'm wife of cg. It's good that you're seeking help. Stopping now will save you a lot of heartache. As you're experiencing gambling affects many things including mood, self esteem and relationships. My advice would be to go to your gp asap. Don't just go and tell about depression, tell them you're gambling is out of control. Hand over your finances, if nothing else get rid of you credit cards. Call gamcare get some advice, get some counselling. If you can go to a GA meeting. Don't deny that this is serious, addiction. It will consume you. This is hard work but you have made 2 steps, confessing to your parents and coming here. Just get through today. Get help and support. Odaat will help more. Good luck!
Hey kate,
Do not worry you're definitely not alone! Your story sounds much like mine and many other people's, and it sounds as though you have taken a couple of big steps, mainly that you have shared your issues with people you love and who care about you. That's one of the hardest things to do so you ought to give yourself a pat on the back.
That being said, I think one of the biggest mistakes I have made over the last year is being passive in your recovery and thinking you have done enough. I would suggest that you should be as active as you can in your recovery to make sure you don't slip back into old ways.
I get the feeling of self loathing, and while gambling is obviously a very real addiction its important to accept responsibility for what has happened and to not see yourself as a victim. But there comes a point where you have to try and put those negative feelings about yourself to the side and do everything in your power to get straight and stay straight. Be proactive in your recovery, never be complacent and explore every avenue that may help you beat this!
Things will get better, but you have to make them better. And when you start to do that you will begin feeling good about yourself again 🙂
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