This has to be the end

Hiya!

It's seems that online roulette seems to be the killer of all on here,

I too have a serious problem with it. I have large debts that I need to clear and to be able to clear them I need to stop gambling, I haven't gambled on roulette since Friday and this has to be the first weekend in atleast 10 years where I've not had a go at it, it feels great.

People will tell you on here that you need to be open and honest with your partner and they will understand, to an extent I believe them but however you yourself know your own situation, if your being truley open and honest about wanting to give up gambling with yourself then just concentrate on the happy things in your life.

Keep your mind occupied with anytime and everything and over time you'll begin to realise that you don't need gambling to fill that void!

Good luck! And always open to talk about how your getting on.

DP1988

Thanks for your reply DP1888, well done on having a weekend gamble free!

I've always been of the opinon that FOBT in bookies afre fixed, and I am sure they are, so I liked to play online, but with the live dealers, as it happens they always end up spinning the number you haven't got!!

I know people will tell me to tell my partner, and I might have to at some point because he will want to do things and go on holidays etc and I will not be able to afford them, he will see it as strange as my salary is more than enough and more to cover everything and have a nice life. But over 20k in debt will take me years to clear and I obviously want to clear it as soon as possible. I don't feel at the moment that I can tell him though, the last thing I want is to lose him. Some would say I deserve it though.

I feel amazing having not gambled today, but thats only the gambling side of things, I feel awful knowing how much work I have to do to repair the damage. I don't know if the day will come, but what I want the most is to get that feeling of elation that you get when you get a big win - but not in terms of gambling, I want that feeling when I have money left over every month and can see my debts coming down.

I am being so honest about this now, I am determined that I will never gamble again; I just don't want to have any setbacks, I don't want it to get to the end of the month and see that I have money left and throw it away gambling. People just seem to say to be strict with yourself but its easier said than done right?

Today is the first day that I have been at home all day alone and not even for one second considered finding a new site to gamble on.

Thanks again for your support.

Lou

I understand where your coming from, wanting to clear debt as quickly as possible as I have the same thoughts,

What you have to consider though is by adding excess pressure on yourself to clear debt rapidly and skinting yourself in the process will only make you unhappy and more likely to fall of the wagon, as gamblers we see gambling as a solution to quick money (as daft as it sounds),

I think you would seriously benefit from sitting down with a pen and paper and writing down the pros and cons of gambling by writing things down you'll be able to see first hand that there are very little if any pros and the cons far outweigh them.

Then write down a payment plan something that you can successfully achieve comfortably, you still need to live a normal life and have money spare to enjoy yourself, not only to have some sense of normality but also as it wi act as a way of taking your mind off gambling.

Don't persecute yourself!! You've done the hardest thing by admitting it and now your amongst friends and like minded people you won't be judged here!

Keep positive

DP1988

Lou, reread your last post. You're being totally honest about this....but your bf doesn't know what's going on. So who exactly are you being honest with? Him? You? And would you like to be on the receiving end of such a brand of honesty? I certainly didn't like it. Secrets hurt.

It's terrible that you've had such a bad time of it and I hope you do turn things round. But it's not about the money and how quickly you can clear the slate. It's about you and your life and your happiness. It's about stopping the gambling plus looking at what gambling is giving you and why you need it and how else to meet that same need. The best way of doing that is via GC counselling or via regular GA meetings.

Will power won't help, it melts away in the face of temptation. There's a lot of advice on the forum about keeping the time money location triangle broken, take one of these away and you can't gamble. Your bf can help by setting passwords, encouraging you to go to meetings and counselling, supervising your finances. But he can't if you keep him in the dark.

It's up to you to do everything you can to change your situation for you. Hope you go for it.

CW

DP1988 thank you for your kind words. I have done as you suggested and there are absolutely no pro's to gambling. None at all. It is so silly, I really don't know why I ever let it get this bad. I also sorted a payment plan a couple of weeks ago, not much has changed, other than the amount of debt I now have, it will take longer to clear but I can still manage.

CW; Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I completely understand what you are saying, if I can just clarify; I am being honest with myself. I have presumed your situation to be similar to my BF's, however, what I will say is that we are not married, we do not live together, so whilst he would be the best person to help me through this it is just not possible to tell him, I would lose him and that would make my life a hundred times more difficult than it is now. If he came to me tomorrow and told me that he was in over 20k of debt it would not make a difference to me, genuinely, as long as he did not expect me to pay for things for him etc. I do not expect him to pay for anything for me, I do not expect him to carry me through this, he would most definately leave me if he knew...so is it right to tell him? What is the point in him being so dissapointed if I told him for him to leave? Yes I have not told him the truth, but in the same respect I haven't lied to him.

When I split up with my ex I vowed never to step foot in a casino again - I have kept to that promise and haven't been inside a casino for nearly 2 years now. I know that doesn't make things better as it is now online gambling I have been addicted to but surely will power and support from people on this forum will assist me? The triangle everyone seems to talk about is very good, I do not have the money to gamble anymore and I have time to do things I have not done over the last year or so, like eating properly, looking after the house etc.

Again, I thank you both for your messages and support.

Lou

Hi Lou

My name's Louis!

Perhaps you could explain to us a bit more about what it is that is driving you to gamble. I think we all know that our gambling addiction is self-defeating - it's not a sensible choice. I'm taking this angle because I'm guessing that, as you have read this board for a while, then you know all about the basics such as the triangle, and you have said you are not yet willing to disclose your addiction so I'll not go there ( Although I do strongly agree with CW on this point).

Maybe you don't know what's driving your addiction. I certainly didn't when I was still in action. I read people say on this board that gambling IS linked to depression. period. or anxiety, or some other 'thing'. In fact people have their own unique drivers. However, addiction is all about escaping. So whilst we all have our own drivers, we are all united by the same escapist behaviour, gambling.

If you can find what it is your hiding from then you can go a long way to tackling this addiction. My advice - start a diary and explore. Getting stuff down in words can have a big effect on us.

Generally speaking, addiction is linked to the need to repress emotions. I was going to say before that gambling addiction is not a 'rational' choice. But this would be wrong - gambling is not 'sensible' but everything we do is a rational choice at any particular point in time. The question to any addict is what is is causing you such distress that you have to embark on this self-defeating behaviour. (?) What is causing the addict such pain that they need to medicate through gambling? What is this painful internal experience (it's not physical pain, right? it's all in our mind). It has to be a thought, feeling or sensation. Healthier people are able to sit with these - addicts reach for the 'medication'.

You can work on this yourself but it can be tricky and you need to be committed. The easier way is to attend GA - a service specifically designed for people like you and which, if you have read these boards for some time, you will know that there is overwhelming success (I have never attended but, having read these boards for 3.5 years, I can objectively see it works). Or, you could look into some form of counselling from a good counsellor.

If when reading this, your mind throws up 100 justifications for why you should not go to GA or go to counselling, pause..step back and consider whether these thoughts are helpful or not, or are these thoughts actually just justifying your continued addiction. If you really want to give up then you have to commit to change. It's as simple as that.

Best wishes

Louis

Morning lou23,

Since I've been on this site I've seen many people post things that people done like to hear, and yes while the truth hurts I think some people can be a bit harsh when there is no need.

Don't let certain people's posts get at you, some people tend to post on here taking out there issues on others gambling issues.

You have to do what's best for you in these situations and this is your own healing process! You know yourself best and you know what will work better for you and what will make the situation worst!

Pick you plan and stick to it my friend and try to ignore some of the haters on here who seem to come across as being harsh but kind but generally over step the mark! CW!

DP1988

If you have an iPhone download the iquit gambling app from the App Store, you add in what day you quit and how much you spend per day on average and then click quit. It then adds up money every minute you've quit,

It seems more of a novelty than anything else but it's helped me switch my mind set, I now keep checking the app at regular intervals to see how high the total has got.

I guess it's the same as when I'm playing roulette, all I want to do is get that total higher regardless of anything else with no intention of taking the money, I play to lose.

On this app it gives me the same feeling but I'm not using any money im just sat basically watching my savings increase!

Worth a shot

Ha ha ha DP1988!! I know what you mean. I think CW has the best intentions if you like, I have seen some of her posts and I do have to say I think she is right, but right in the general sense. Like you say, everyones situation is different. Mine is different in that I really can't tell my partner; who knows, that may change over time but not at the moment.

I did download that app, but I never deposited the same amount everyday, somedays it would be £100, some days it would be in excess of 5k.

I feel like a bit of a winner already as gone over 48 hours now with no gambling and no thoughts about wanting to gamble, the thought of it now actually makes me feel sick.

I remember I was playing now so long ago. Said to myself 'if this reaches £3500 I will withdraw', I got to £3300 and then proceeded to lose every penny. The thought of that day makes me never want to go back. Ever.

Louis, thank you for your message of support too. I genuinely do not know what is/has been the driver. All I can suggest at the moment are a couple of things; I wanted to win the money back I had lost with the casinos, I felt like they owed me for my time spent with them and the money spent with them. That was never going to happen and I was so naive to think that. It was also boredom most of the time, I had the money available to me and I'll be honest, I enjoyed playing at one time. Then it got silly, I was regularly up all night playing and then going to work for a 12 hour shift. I often felt like death. I couldn't concentrate on anything and then I would come home and carry on playing; not go to bed like any sensible person.

GA meetings are definately on my agenda after reading about them. Obviously very nervewracking going in for the first time but I will do it as soon as I get a Thursday evening off work - my problem is working shifts I cannot make them every week and only get 2 Thursdays off in 8. It sounds like I am making excuses - I am not, I am focused on this this time and will not be going back to gambling. PMA.

Lou x

Just plumb for an average amount or just use £100 per day, it's really taken my mind off going and gambling it is only a trivial thing but it seems to get me hooked on seeing how high it goes each time I log on

Just checking in here to say ive done over 3 days now gamble free and I feel amazing for it. Actually feel a lot more positive.

I have set up direct debits to my credit cards to get them clear as quickly as possible but still leaving me enough every month to have a life. A gamble free life.

Great news! Well done keep it up

Hello, Lou,

My husband maintained similar views to yours and DPs about my need to know something very important about him, presumably he thought he was similarly special, not like a real addict. He sustained his views for an incredibly long time, throughout the childhood of our eldest two. It's impossible to convey the extent of the betrayal to me and all my children when my son went into the bank and found out that his savings were no more. That his father was capable of lying through his teeth to him, his mother and his siblings, throughout most of his life. My eldest was 18, had just finished exams and whilst his friends were celebrating, he was helping me to pick up the pieces, closing down his father's on line account, installing blocking software. It was no better for the others.

For me, I kept the peace when I should have challenged, accepted the unacceptable, allowed myself to come second. All of which is my problem, not yours. But don't underestimate the damage that is done to those around you whilst there is active gambling. No man is an island.

The solution to your problems doesn't involve clearing the debt quietly with your family none the wiser. It takes honesty, looking at what gambling gives you and why you have that need, at what else can fill it. Counselling and GA can achieve it, it's worth the effort. Debt is a symptom of gambling but making the debt better won't change what makes you gamble.

My apologies for any overstepping of the mark.

CW

its not a case of hiding things from partners CW, its a case of dealing with your own demons first and making sure you have done everything, and commited to stopping yourself before burdoning anyone else with the pressures of it all.

Each case is different. yes in time people should tell there partners whats going on, but as i say each case is different, from the sounds of it your partner was using money that wasnt his to gamble therefore it had a direct impact on love ones etc. my situation however isnt, i do not gamble with anyone elses money but mine, its only debt that is to my name nobody else, my sistuation dictates that it is better for me to sort this issue out myself and not put added pressure on my wife/partner it is completely uneccessary.

Id much rather rid some of the debt and tackle the addiction head on myself, once im in a good place and if the time is right ill include my partner of whats going on, but on the other hand, this addiction began long before we even met.