I really don’t know where to start, but after speaking to the helpline earlier they advised I come onto the forum. I hope I’m posting in the right place.
in short, I think my partner has a gambling addiction. He did historically 10+ years ago after relationship trauma.
He works for himself, the money is direct to him and vanishes very quickly (not a limited business). He works with family who have gambling addictions (he’s relatively open about this and the amount they gamble) but then is very defensive when asked what their wives think etc
Something hasn’t been right for months. We have a new baby, I thought it was that. Then I thought it must be someone else, an affair of some sort. But that doesn’t make sense for many reasons, he’s also traumatised as it happened to him and swears he would never do it.
His phone is on him 24 removed link He’s recently started working late which fits perfectly in time with bookie closing times. He’s told me in detail how bookies work, that he drops family off near them (denies going in any), buys a lot of scratch cards, has horrendous credit but can’t explain why, can’t use business debit card online but can in shops/ cash machines (I’ve never heard of this).
He always used to have cash, now never has any.
I have said that if he ever had a problem like family, he could tell me, of course he reassured me he would.
We don’t live together, I’m financially independent luckily and he’s never committed to contribute so all I know is what he’s said not what I can see.
I’m sure there’s so much more I could write but for now, I’m scared, anxious and really emotional about it. I guess this is the first step for me to have a safe place to vent whilst I process and consider what happens moving forwards.
Me too!
My husband got found out during lockdown. He didn’t tell me but I guessed. I knew he was an addict deep down but thought he was too sensible to put our financial security in the line! How wrong I was!
it seems your hardest part is to get him to accept he is an addict. No one can get help if they don’t want to. The fact you have your own financial security is great and one to be guarded! I wish I had. I’m new to the site too, I’m hoping that support here will help me and others such as yourself through the emotional rollercoaster!
Hi to both of you but primarily HB2020, good job you are financially secure keep it that way you must protect you and your baby. I'm the recovering gambler in my marriage and as such I can give you my opinion based on what you say about your partner. He used to have a gambling problem? Compulsive gamblers are always compulsive gamblers but they obviously can be in recovery but that is a lifelong commitment. There are lots of red flags in what you write. Please excuse me if my questions are too personal just say if they are I'm just trying to get a picture. Your situation is you live seperate have a new baby is this by choice? When you say commitment to contribute do you mean financially or commitment to the relationship? You have given him the opportunity to tell you but he hasn't taken it, to me his lack of wanting to discuss what the " wives" think is that either they don't know or that they just put up with it, my guess would be they don't know. And he tests the waters trying to gauge your reaction about the amount of money his "family gamble " is he talking about himself really? The reason why I'm making these points is because I recognise his behaviour. Compulsive gambling comes with secrecy,lies,deception it's an addiction. I didn't mean to hurt my husband lie to him etc I got so caught up in trying to hide my addiction I turned into a person I didn't recognise. Now 4months into recovery I'm getting back to someone I'm comfortable with not lying anymore /keeping secrets . Short of confronting him there is very little else you can do. Would you feel comfortable confronting him? Hope you find your way with this
Thank you for responding! No question is too personal for me, I’ll answer anything. I fell pregnant very quickly in the relationship, he lives with family. He has never financially contributed there or towards me, the house or baby. He is here most of the time in the evenings but they’re getting later and later. I keep mentioning getting a bigger house (no room for his son to stay or for baby to move in with older brother or have own room) yeah yeah urrrmmmmmm worried about financially committing is all he ever says. Or “we have talked about this we will one day”.
I confronted him last night. He was gambling thousands a month, weekly paydays, gambling thousands of winnings and then getting payday loans to cover life.
he has scratched security code of debit card so he can’t use online. But I’ve found he’s paid for competitions/ raffles off sisters credit card that’s just meant to be for business.
I have asked to see his bank account to reassure me nothing is going on. He went mad, id never do that to you I’d want you having your dignity he said to me.
Before that he has never raised his voice to me in our whole relationship.
Thinking of you! It’s horrific, isn’t it. How did you find out and how did he admit it?
I don’t think I my last post was very clear. The thousands gambled I found out about was historic, years ago. Currently being told there’s nothing going on, won’t show me bank. “If I gambled I’d have nothing so I’ll show you my balance but not transactions”. Also, I’m being accused of being controlling, manipulative etc even though we have had no problems with me so to speak before I have confronted him.
Firstly I would like to say, you said you have a baby and you should not be going through this and looking after a baby! From a gambling addict in recovery it sound like he’s desperately trying to cover up the facts by feeding small amounts of info I.e bank balances! I think you should try and arrange a babysitter and sit down with him and tell him what you feel is happening and what it is doing to you and your mental health and that’s all being passed to the baby! Ask him for the proof like transactions etc. Try and be patient (you sound amazingly supportive) and ask him to be honest with you! You deserve better than that! I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you get it sorted out x
Ohhh bless you none of it is good is it. The fact he will not show you transactions means he is gambling and by the sounds of it a lot. These are just my opinions obviously but based on my experience and it all sounds very familiar. I would hide transactions not let husband see bank accounts, then turn , it back on him " our finances are good how could you not trust me" " if you demand to see accounts you are checking up on me, I don't like that that's wrong" and and and...... I used every lie ,cheat, secrets etc etc. Believe me I was not proud of my behaviour back then and I'm horrified now when I look back. I still believed up to the point where he found out I had used 5K of our savings that I could gamble my way out of the situation !! That is what compulsive gambling does to you twists you into someone you don't recognise, there is much more I could tell you but unless he wants to address this he wont. He's hiding he knows if you move in together he won't be able to hide anymore. Hes not a bad person he's an addict, he deflects onto you to take the heat off himself calling you manipulative etc. If you doubt yourself you might back down that's how he sees it and most people don't like being called controlling. What do you want for you and your child? If you want him to be part of your life you have to get some sense out of everything, I feel for both of you but obviously in different ways , I hope he finds it in himself to own up and get help, and I hope you get the life that you and your child deserve. I'm a much calmer, happier person who doesn't lie, cheat anymore and I will do everything possible to stay that way. Gambling is never the answer !!
Thank you!
In a way, I want someone to tell my i sound like a nutter, I’m losing the plot, none of the signs actually suggest gambling... I know this is ridiculous.
Its hurt huge amounts the things he’s said in the last two days. But I know it’s not him and I know that for him to behave in that manner, somethings wrong. I also know I’m not controlling and I’m allowed to want an open, honest and transparent relationship. And that it’s ok to feel frustrated he’s late every single night.
I worked with addicts for so long, he through at me that “this is you and your work just looking for a problem and over analysing”. But I’m not stupid.
I know it’s not me or any reflection of me when I think about things properly but it’s so very hard to not take it all personally.
If I had to put a figure on it with all of the signs etc I’m guessing it’s thousands and thousands. And the reason I can see the balance and not the transactions is because there’s been a win or something.
I’m worried his family will believe his lies and he will make it all that I’m a psycho and I’ve created this and they’ll believe him. I’m ultimately really scared of losing him because I love him so much and he is a good, decent man who would never deliberately, maliciously hurt anyone.
But if he’s in denial, I can’t do anymore than love him. But I feel I can’t have him back here without him admitting either a) there’s a problem he can’t discuss at the moment or b) there’s a problem as this is what it is.
I know him and he won’t fight for this. This will be an ideal opportunity to leave, have an easy life and no responsibilities or anyone to have to engage with.
If you have any advice or ideas on how best to help, how to approach the situation (I’ve tried, we can get through anything, I’m not angry, I love you, all the nice things) then I truly am all ears.
What was the point you decided enough was enough? Im so glad you’re in recovery and are feeling so much better.
Hi,
Congratulations on your baby. As another compulsive gambler, it certainly sounds like he is active. I think it's really about you now, what sort of life do you want to lead. You share a child together, if he can't be open and honest with you, is that a life you want to lead?
You can't control him, you can't cure him but you can choose the life you want to lead
In a safe, that only my wife can access are all my log in details - she can access my bank account whenever she wishes, also my credit reports (all three) my emails, my phone. I'm doing OK at the moment and am currently 3 years gamble free, although she would say if I gambled again that would be it, I actually suspect that's not true but should I lie, hide accounts or deceive her again then it would be
In many ways I have tainted her life, my childrens lives and of course my own, I would not be in a relationship with a compulsive gambler, knowing what I know.
The financial impact is lifelong but the mental impact caused by my ongoing deceit is by far the worst aspect.
best wishes, whatever you decide
Thank you for replying.
It has only been 5 days since the truth dawned on me and in that time, the pain... I certainly can’t live a life with constant lies.
If he cheated, it would be over. But because this is an illness and technically not a choice where cheating is, I feel I can’t just bail on him without giving him the opportunity to want help?
I want to love and support him through it whilst protecting myself, my children and my sanity.
I also feel because I have no proof, what if I’m wrong. I can’t imagine I am but at least if there were proof, he can lie all he wants but I know?
The lies and deceit and really nasty words towards me hurt way more than the gambling. I’m sure that’s just because we are not financially linked and I know I’m lucky in that respect.
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