To Day 87 - My Story

I must say that I never thought I would share my story with anyone publicly, but reading some of the posts tonight while I was in a tough place really inspired me and I hope mine can do the same. I am forewarning you that this is a long one so grab a cuppa and get comfortable!

It all started when I first moved out on my own in September 2016. I remembered watching an ad for an online site when I was bored one day and thought I would try to win some money, not knowing what it would become. It started with very small amounts, but constant. I knew I had a problem pretty quickly, especially when I boyfriend mentioned the frequency in which I was gambling. At this point I was only signed up to one site and I decided to self-exclude. Unfortunately this didn't last long and I signed up for new ones. In the span of 6 months or so I was consistently late on rent and credit card payments. I had absolutely no will power.

I admitted to my best friend that I had a problem and she helped me financially get through the month, and eventually she was helping me just about every month. Shortly after this I confided in my dad, who has had a gambling and drinking problem all of my life. I cried when he told me it would ruin my relationship, and my life. I knew I had to stop for good, but it was so much easier said than done.

I felt terrible for always asking the same friend for money so then I turned to my sister. A few months later I still hadn't quit and really needed money, so I told my brother. He was the one who convinced me that I needed to seek serious help. I began seeing a counsellor in January of 2018 through the help of Gamcare. This was most definitely the best part of my recovery.

While I was seeing the counsellor I was convinced that I could control my gambling. I would set a deposit limit and stay with it and I remember feeling proud of staying in control for the week. It still wasn’t enough though and I began signing up for new accounts and losing far too much. The last few meetings I had with the counsellor had gone extremely well and I left feeling like I could really beat this addiction. I remember the sun was shining so bright on my walk home and I started to tear up thinking of how positive my life felt at that point - I still tear up thinking about it now. I went just over 2 months GF after this.

One evening I felt that I had enough control and I would be able to gamble just a bit and walk away if it didn’t go my way. I gambled, and walked away that evening - probably in the positive. The next day my boyfriend left for the evening and I lost far more than I had intended, trying to win even more than the night before. A few weeks later, it happened again. I had hit rock bottom before but this was an absolutely new low. I had seen the most I had ever had in my account, thinking that I could never lose it all. I stayed up all night and eventually lost around £1000. How did I go from £1 spins to £50 spins!? This was absolutely insane for me and I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I remember crying while watching my money disappear into nothing. I just kept chasing the loses so I didn’t have to explain to my boyfriend why I couldn’t pay for groceries.

This rock bottom was unlike any other. I genuinely felt that I didn’t know how to carry on with my life. I felt that there was one way out, and that was to end it. I cried hysterically until all of my tears were gone and I felt numb. In the following weeks I gambled on and off, going over and above my overdraft trying to win something back, but also just to be able to eat.

It was Wednesday June 13th, the first day of the next 87 days. I had gone back and forth so many times and feeling like I had nothing to show for the 26 - almost 27 - years I had been on this planet. I had goals, and dreams. I wanted a car, a house, to be debt free and to marry the love of my life! This was never going to happen if I continued to let gambling control my life and my happiness.

I had previously confided in a friend on one drunken evening and I felt an immense amount of support from her that is now a major part of why I am where I am. I created a recovery page in my bullet journal with a box to fill in every day I was GF for the next year. I am now at 87 days GF. I would be the biggest liar if I said it has been easy. I made the decision to stop many times, and this time it has actually stuck. Now, it is no longer the decision to stop, it’s the realisation that starting again is going back to square one and that every day I don’t gamble, is one more day in the right direction. One more day that I’m the winner - not the house.

In my opinion, once you make it past a few months, it gives you a false sense of control that you’ve come this far, if you did it again you would learn from your mistakes. You would walk away when you should. you would stay within your limits. You search for reasons why it would be okay to do it. This is how I’ve felt tonight, and why I began reading your own stories. I’ve constantly chased the high of winning, and if I wasn’t chasing that high, I was chasing the money I had lost. There is no doubt in my mind that the house has won. It has taken everything from me. The days where I was gambling were by far my darkest days. It trickled into my work, my relationship, my friends, my family. Tonight, it brings me to tears knowing that I am strong enough to let those dark days remain in the past.

If you are still reading this, then I sincerely thank you for sticking with me. It has been amazing to be able to share my story from top to absolute rock bo ttom, and I hope you feel you can do the same.

Wherever you are in your journey, you got this! Xx