To-day

Me again - have just seen that you have joined our merry band on the 2014 Challenge - that's great and may be one of the best things you've done in a long time! I can honestly say that it's what is keeping me motivated - the support there is almost tangible and I am very grateful to Mr Brightside and the team.

Best wishes for your journey.

Joanna

Hi Joanna just wanted to say thank you for your support this week, mornings are really tough for me, I feel really low when I wake up, l live by myself five days a week, and like many I have lied to my loved ones about quitting gambling. My plan is to be gamble free till mid September, put some thoughts on paper over the next six months, then take my girlfriend back to the place we had our first proper date, tell her the truth, that when I quit gambling in April 2013, I have lied for the umpteenth time about quitting but I have been gamble free for six months, in essence prove I can quit. Then give her the opportunity to walk away, I can't do that now I am not strong enough to face the rejection while dealing with the end of my gambling life. I do not want to ruin her summer, I will cry on my own till then. Why oh why did I ever look at an fotb machine. Is there an end to this desperately sad feelings?

There is an end Spaingone, but it is going to take time my friend.

As I said, there are shortcuts - get yourself out there and go somewhere remote to walk and think as I said, put some thoughts onto paper as you said, and then take the option "X".

Option X is something you have never done before which could potentially change your life and fill the holes which a gamble-free life will leave. For me, it was charity work - living with the fact that I could have spent all those hours helping others is not easy, but I may not have done it at all if I hadn't gambled. A lady on here took up competitive swimming - she had always wanted to do it but she thought she was too old at 40 - she wasn't, and now it is all that she lives for; last that I heard was that she was four years gamble-free.

Lying around and obsessing about these machines will only draw things out and increase the time that you have to go through before these sad feelings pass. I lost £250,000 in four years on FOBT's - I thought that would haunt the rest of my days but it doesn't; in fact, it feels like they don't really exist - I don't see them, I don't go where they are; I am bothered about what they do to other people, but I never think about them. In fact, they were easier for me to give up more than anything else because all you have to do is stop yourself making the first press - sports betting/racing etc. is different, because you are surrounded by news and matches - with FOBT's, all you have to do is make sure you don't have that initial spin.

As they say in GA, "If someone said to you, can you stop yourself betting just once? If that time is your next or first time, then you won't gamble again".

No more wallowing Spaingone, no more feeling sorry for yourself, no more letting your emotions get the better of you. Get up, get out there my friend - the longer you embrace self-pity, the longer you will feel this way. Forget about the past, forget about everything you have been through because it is gone, and that means it is irrelevant to how you life your life today.

JamesP

Hi Spaingone,

Welcome to the forum and the challenge thread. I'm early days after a relapse so perhaps not the best person from whom to take advice but I can vouch for the techniques JamesP has shared with you.

Obsessing about the fairness or otherwise of FOBTs and online slots will only serve to keep you in despair. A realisation that helped me let go was that no bookie conned me as much as I conned myself into thinking I was in control. It doesn't matter if the machines are stacked in the bookies favour or in mine because I can't stop gambling once I start. I remember being thousands of pounds up and even planning what I would spend the money on but I am a compulsive gambler and alway try to turn it into a little bit more. If we gamble, we lose.

Like JamesP I resent the time lost more than anything else. The hours in bookies or pub, the laptop always within reach to the point I didn't feel entirely present in my own life. By stopping gambling you are giving yourself your life back.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Thanks to James P and No crisis, for their caring posts. My life back is a constant theme from both of you, and I know that has to come from me. But the future if am brutally honest is what I have destroyed (financial security gone), at the moment I cannot remove that terrible feeling of security lost from my head. I will keep trying though - thank-you.

I can understand your position and there is no quick fix for financial security.

I could dwell on the fact that my gambling means I still have a mortgage that should have been paid off years ago or think of the nest egg I could have created if all that extra work had gone into savings rather than gambling debts. In my lower moments I do kick myself but there is no benefit it sinking into depression or despair. I believe that our emotional state effects our loved ones much more than the financial state.

When I started my recovery, I wrote down my financial goals (winning it all back not being one of them) and looked at how the money I used to channel into gambling could be better used in both the long and short term. Short term means more movies, family days out, gym visits and new non gambling routines. Long term means ISA account to supplement the mortgage and other investments. I immediately felt better for being proactive and, despite the lapses in my recovery, I have made much progress over the last few years.

Don't know if any of this is useful but I hope you start feeling better about yourself and situation.

I can vouch for JamesP's advice too Spaingone.

I read his advice on another post where he suggested to someone about jumping on a train and going somewhere remote.

It didn't appeal to me as I am a Londoner and I know nothing else other than noise, and I like it that way.

But nothing was working so I gave it a go. I didn't even have a destination in mind; I just jumped on a train and got off at the remotest first stop that I came to.

He is right. Being surrounded by peaceful surroundings, away from the stream of brown paper bills that come in through the door and the phone calls from the debt collection companies, really helped me. I felt like my mind was being cleansed - I just walked along the coast, through the woods, through fields for hours and hours; it was a gorgeous day, so nice that I wondered why I never craved this kind of life as to the one that I was throwing away.

I work, so it is not easy, but now I am going to do this as much as I can - I need it, I think most people here could benefit from it. I really feel you would too Spaingone - please don't hesitate.

thanks graham for your post, i am on leave this week, just trying to re-compose my self for work next week and the long road ahead. I was away with my girlfriend in the lakes over the week-end, the solitude would have been better with myself i know.

i just can't believe what have i done really. The re-alisation that this cannot go on after the mammoth losses and six years of gambling is testing my sanity. I had this pension savings pot (now all gone) in my profession I preach financial prudence as I have to my children (now adults), I just cannot believe i allowed a machine to take away a life time of working savings (namely 39 years). I am reading and listening to the advice on here but .................. it isn't taking away as yet the ................. pain inside my chest/head. Everyone offers great sympathy and I do appreciate it but the future is very bleak. I know whats gone is gone but I need to suffer for a long time before i can forgive myself for giving into the evil world of gambling.

Who said anything about forgiving yourself?! I'll never lose that sick, dark, pain in my chest when I think about what I have done. I will however try to use it constructively to make a better life for myself and my family.

I do sympathise and wish you all the best for this difficult early stage of your recovery.

I think there is a grieving period we must all go through. Grieving for our financial losses, our time and emotional losses because of gambling.

It sounds, from your post Spaingone, that you are in the early stages of it. So whilst I agree with all the advice given so far, I think it's also important to allow yourself a couple of weeks to feel genuinely P*****-off and sorry for the hand life has dealt you. (sorry for the hand analogy, but sure you get it).

I can only talk from personal experience - but life really is mystical and strange - it teaches us things that we need to learn most, if we have the ears to listen.

I lost everything I ever had money-wise - in part from gambling and in part from being arrogant and thinking I was better than everyone else so I chased down a dream of being a screenwriter. Sold my house, left my job (which I hated anyway, so was looking for an excuse), I retrained and then when I couldn't make screenwriting pay I got scared and tried to spend all my savings on gambling figuring I could be a world-class poker and roulette player. Guess what? Yep, that failed too, and before I knew it I was playing every day until it was all I thought about and got so far down in the hole I had to go bankrupt.

Life is hard, we all make terrible mistakes in hindsight, but we act on the best information we have at the time when we make our decisions. Stand by yours. Live life from here on in as a warrior and not a worrier.

I can honestly say even though I now have nothing, and most of my peers are so far up the savings/pension and property ladder I feel I've only ever been sliding down the property snake,, I feel peaceful. Not happy - only teenagers and those who haven't lived a life think 'happiness' is sustainable, but I feel at peace with myself and self-aware.

You could have a million £££ and feel mentally ill or addicted and the money would mean nothing, in fact you'd pay it all to feel at peace. So see this as life giving you a chance to grow as a person, let go of the past.

I truly wish you well. Now seems to be your grieving time. Grieve. Indulge yourself - you have every right to. Then, in a few weeks when the time comes, start building a new more fulfilled and real life for yourself, set free.

Best wishes, and I mean that sincerely.

Molehole x

Hi there, I felt compelled to respond to your post. I have had 5/6 years of being completely stupid and unrecognisable at times! I have felt that sick feeling, desperately thought of ways out, shamed myself by borrowing from friends, lied to family, jeopardised so much and all in the name of gambling. Every time I relapse, I feel all those feelings and swear I will never do it again, I have sat with my hand full of tablets wanting to end everything....more than once.... I really feel for you...I really do, I agree with molehole, whilst it is so nice to receive such good support from this site, you need to give yourself time! I wish you the very best and hope you draw some inner strength to move day by day....good luck my friend.... Mags xxx

Thanks to moomoo and everyone else for their caring posts. For every new person reading on this site, i'd like to categorically state especially the youngers one's, take the advice given really seriously. This is a really tough addication to beat, its only when you realise (when you have no funds left or are seriously in debt) that you cannot win, i repeat over a period of time - cannot win, then the anguish of the losses whether major/minor sets in, you re-alise eventually and for some of us too late in life, ITS GONE THE MONEY HAS GONE. Young people out there take heed - you will not win over a period of time, the feelings of euphoria from winning will drag you back over and over again, till the major loss occurs. As young people reading this remember you can change. FOOTNOTE - BUDGET YESTERDAY RAISED THE TAX ON FOTB'S FROM 20% T0 25% FOR THE GOVERNMENT. DO I THINK THAT WILL SEE A REDUCTION IN PEOPLE PLAYING THESE MACHINES - NO, JUST LESS WINNINGS FOR THE PEOPLE PLAYING THEM AND MORE PEOPLE COMING TO GAMCARE BECAUSE THEY HAVE LOST MORE. WELL DONE THE GOVERNMENT.

Just a happy Friday lunchtime siting whilst I was out walking instead of gambling - 'a LOCAL ********* SHOP HAS CLOSED, MOVED OUTTA TOWN YES !!!!!!!!!!!! ' I positive result I say for us all - Bring on the 'REVOLUTION' - shut them all !!

Hi Spaingone, I have read your post and feel the same as you,

I am 50 have been gambling for years and years and lost thousands and thousands.

But for me the worst thing to lose was my wife and to put my family through turmoil, yet we still think we can win.

You have your relationship which is so important, you will find that gamblers are mostly alone and have gambling as their mistress.

Keep strong and try to look at the positives rather than the negatives.

Best wishes

Hi everyone out there, i post this in the new members section so any one coming onto the site for the first time can see watch damage gambling can do. I met a wonderful lady seven years ago (we are both 56 - second time around for both of us) she turned my life around, made me happy again. Today is the first week-end apart in six years due to the destructive nature of gambling. I had to own up to her for the 6/7/8th time and now we are having a trial seperation. (LONLINESS) So not only financial destruction ,but also relationship destruction. Take heed gamblers if you do not stop it will destroy everything u ever had.