it's 3am. Been reading a few posts on here for the past hour. Don't feel as alone now. 2 hours since I came off the slots. I have a problem - I'm finally admitting it. I've known it for a while now but been compelled to try to win back my losses. Losses in the 000's. £600 tonight via cc. Money I can't afford to spend. No one knows. Though I openly play in front of family on my iPad. Have even told hubby I self excluded from a site the other month. But he doesn't really know or understand how much I'm sinking. I investigated a debt management plan - ended up taking a loan to 'consolidate' cc but have spent half of it on slots. I become zombiefied when I'm playing and don't get anything done. It all started when I was 14 years old - on fruit machines. I got a grip after a couple of years and really just did odd lottery, odd bit of slots over the years. I've had debts since my uni days. Only recently have they escalated so about 6 months ago I started really hammering the slots (though I've been playing online poker for a couple of years - started as free then paying, which is where I started dabbling with slots). I'm 45. I feel out of control with it now. Everyday for the past month I've promised myself I'll not play. Then it's 'oh just £30, just another £50, I'll need to put £100 on now to win that last lot back..........' and here I am now. Nearly £2k in a week. On cc. Not quite maxed out my last one yet though. I think I have 10k total debt from gambling in the past year. Finally admitting it's really a problem for me. A compulsion I'm really struggling with. I'm scared. I'm pathetic. I'm gong on holiday on Saturday and I feel relieved I'll have no access to the internet for a week. My other half has no time for weaknesses like debt and gambling. His view will be it's my own problem and I have to sort it out by myself. Which is right I know. But in the depths of my despair just now I'm not sure I can. I will though. I have to for my son's sake. I'm pledging right here and right now that I'm not going to gamble any more money away. I'm going to work my backside off to clear my debts. It's going to be hard. It's going to be a long repayment journey too. I accept I'm not ever going to win at gambling. I even tried self hypnosis but it didn't work. Blocking software, and maybe some counselling. If you read this, then thank you for taking the time to do that. I'm not looking for sympathy - I realise that this is all my own doing. I have to face it head on and sort it out.
Welcome to the site scoops 🙂
It is our problem to deal with but we don't have to fight alone even if our loved ones don't get it, there are plenty of people here & @ meetings & in counselling services that do!
I'm way younger than you, only 44 & never really progressed from the 14 year old me & my love affair with the fruit machines although the jackpot had changed somewhat, from paying out four whole pounds (sometimes) in shiny tokens to a piece of paper that could be exchanged for real money to allow me to play longer.
I was lucky, I was able to enlist the services of my now husband to 'manage' my finances & dish me out pocket money. It wasn't pretty & I'm far from proud but it was exactly what I needed being accountable to someone. If you can't do that with hubby is there a friend or relative you can ask? @ the very least, you should be looking @ blocking software (k9 is free but the Netline can help with advice on the paid versions) & considering downgrading your bank account so you can't deposit online. I would also immediately report your card damaged & scratch off the CVV number when the new one arrives. We can't win because we can't stop...And we can't start without funds. Breaking your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle will give you thinking time when the urges come because they will & out of no-where sometimes. Knowing you are going away must be similar to the sense of relief some people experience when they know they have lost everything...The triangle is broken.
Once I had drawn a line under my losses & accepted I could never gamble again, staying stopped was pretty easy. It's the fixing me that's proving way more problematic as after a while, I accepted that this may not just be a financial issue & being glad I hadn't gambled for the day wasn't quite enough. I finally threw in the towel in December (sacking off the lottery that I had been clinging to in a last ditch attempt @ being 'normal') & started attending GA...It's a funny old business, some rooms feel very different to others & I haven't quite grasped how it works but it has given me a blueprint that I perhaps didn't have as a child growing up in a house of addiction. I may try counselling down the line (GamCare do provide this free if you don't have someone in mind) but actually I really feel like I'm starting to come out the other side...It's not me against the world anymore.
Well, that's enough of me & my life story, just want to say, you don't have my sympathy but you have my support, you will find that in abundance here. Good skills accepting you have a problem, now keep the momentum up & accept the help you need for you, not just for your boy. We're not inherently bad people, most of us just took a wrong turn...Time to get on the right path & choose life - ODAAT
Thank you ODAAT. I really appreciate your support 🙂 Yes - triangle will be broken next week, going to divert my attention to something else tonight instead of sitting on my iPad. I imagine my sister would help me. Yes, I've got to start going in the right direction now. Blocking software on now. I've self excluded from my most recent account. It's particular games that have been appealing to me as initially I've had wins. But it all goes back in as the win is never enough. Even sitting watching my money spin away I feel unable to release myself from the game until it's all gone. I don't understand why I've been doing it to myself. I can't get my head around why I'm telling my son that gambling means mostly losing yet I'm not listening to the words myself. I am constantly kicking and berating myself. Good luck on your journey ODAAT.
Hi Scoops
My story sorta similar .. as in slots my downfall but think OFAAT post says it all really good advice. I am only a few days GF but this site has been the change for me and hopefully it will be for you too. Enjoy your holiday. Best of luck to you
Thanks Chocolate. Hope you manage to stay GF - I've now self excluded from the demon site - there's little chance of me joining anymore as I just won't even look at them. I just feel such an idiot for getting sucked into it all tbh.
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