After 494 days gamble free...last night I found myself giving into all of my triggers to put on my first bet again. I won the bet which is not necessarily a bad thing at all...however I am unsure if I feel like I 'lost' myself and everything I have worked towards.
I won on the England Lionesses beating Sweden...I placed money down in a lot of confidence having followed the whole tournament very closely and backing England to reach the final felt like an 'easy win' opportunity.
I haven't stopped thinking about how I try and spend the winnings. I feel a HUGE opportunity to break my previous gambling habits; whereby the winning money would simply go straight back into another bet to double it again. However feeling a lot more in control of myself, in regards to the whole learning process I have been on over the 494 days without gambling, I am wondering if I simply use the money towards something to myself - and then run away from getting sucked back into gambling regularly again.
There is also this confusing emotion clouding over me this morning. I've affectively broken my 'gamble-free run'...but I feel 100x more aware of what triggered me in the build-up, and I feel more in control if I can collect the winning money and turn my back on gambling again.
The technique of counting the days without gambling became something that added increasing pressure to not slip up or else I might deem myself as failure. Perhaps I need to reset to the idea of asking myself to view reaching the end of each day ahead without gambling as the objective towards success. I think this may explain why I am confused...when I placed that winning bet yesterday, was that me failing myself over 494 days or was that me failing Tuesday 26th July 2022? In which case means I have a new day to aim at not gambling today.
Even so, I don't feel an urge this morning to go and find something to gamble on. That's the really strange thing, and arguably a great thing too. I bet on the Lionesses simply because I felt it was a given they would get through to the final and beat Sweden. Previously I would bet on ANYTHING in order to double my 'winnings'.
Fortunately I have been blocked for online gambling since March 2021, and the habit of gambling online feels removed from my regular system which also denies me opportunities in an urge. However, gambling in a shop is where I placed my bet yesterday, and I guess the factor that reassures me that I won't become a problem gambler anytime soon is that I feel guilty and 'dirty' stepping into a bookies that I tried to spend as little time as possible in there last night to place the bet in the first place.
If anyone has read this so far, I would really appreciate any comments/thoughts on similar experiences to my own, or perhaps an outsiders advice too - I will definitely take the time to read through.
Thanks
Quit while ur ahead. Don't be fooled by the win. Losses will follow, just as sure as night comes after day. Be happy with your achievement and confident in the fact that ur gambling urges have diminished. Best wishes.
Hi azzabazza,
It sounds like you are very clued up on your recovery path and have been away from it long enough that you aren't living in the gamblers delusion anymore.
There's no doubt that placing a first bet after any amount of time in recovery comes with risk of the old behaviour gradually rebuilding if you keep dabbling with it. You've basically put a spark to what has been an extinguished fire.
Your future in regards to gambling is in your hands as is everyone's who struggles with this infliction.
Regards
Hi
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
The money was never going to resolve my emotional triggers.
I could not trust my self with money.
Eventually I handed it over to another person made it easier for me.
I felt like a little child being punished, but that was only my perspective.
In time I would idenify my emotional triggers.
Pains I could not heal.
Fears I could not face.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situation.
Loneliness and boredom.
In time Iwould understand a healthy life is about balance not obsession.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson for me to learn from.
No matter when my last bet was it was very important to keep attending meetings.
Yes the meetings raise more questions than answers.
Yet once I got more honest with my self then my fears were reducing.
To understand each time I gambled I simply made things and situations much worse.
How much do I value my self and my life today.
Do I want to keep hurting mysef and causing my self more and more pains.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms.
How much do I want a healthy life today.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
I wish your emotions weren't mixed - instead I wish you were devastated at breaking the 494 days. I also wish the best for you and wish that the 494 day success gives you confidence to do it again and to beat it! You say you bet as you were sure of the result - OK I believe you but ask yourself why then was it not good enough to tell a friend who shares a liking to football with you. Why gamble? Why is 494 so significant? Why are you on here in the first place? Ask yourself all these questions as from what I can tell 99999 out of 100000 people say maybe I can control it or have conquered it and they set themselves up for a good few falls in the near future. I hope you take my being blunt as being kind. Thanks
@gerard-g Thank you for your words of wisdom. You couldn't be more right that losses following...quitting before they arrive is a win itself!
I completed the first day of not choosing to gamble again, so thank you
Hi azzabazza,
It sounds like you are very clued up on your recovery path and have been away from it long enough that you aren't living in the gamblers delusion anymore.
There's no doubt that placing a first bet after any amount of time in recovery comes with risk of the old behaviour gradually rebuilding if you keep dabbling with it. You've basically put a spark to what has been an extinguished fire.
Your future in regards to gambling is in your hands as is everyone's who struggles with this infliction.
Regards
Thank you so much @wallis77 - I completely feel that risk of the old behaviour gradually rebuilding, and that's most probably a driving force in why I will do my best to continue not gamble now.
Hi
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
The money was never going to resolve my emotional triggers.
I could not trust my self with money.
Eventually I handed it over to another person made it easier for me.
I felt like a little child being punished, but that was only my perspective.
In time I would idenify my emotional triggers.
Pains I could not heal.
Fears I could not face.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situation.
Loneliness and boredom.
In time Iwould understand a healthy life is about balance not obsession.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson for me to learn from.
No matter when my last bet was it was very important to keep attending meetings.
Yes the meetings raise more questions than answers.
Yet once I got more honest with my self then my fears were reducing.
To understand each time I gambled I simply made things and situations much worse.
How much do I value my self and my life today.
Do I want to keep hurting mysef and causing my self more and more pains.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms.
How much do I want a healthy life today.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
Dave of Beckenham, this response is fantastic, and it served well in sparking some deeper reflection of my own.
I'm not going to get drawn up on the fact I just fell short of my 500 days target to be gamble-free...instead I'm going to focus on the signs that my urge to gamble is what I need to pay attention towards...the emotional side to it.
Thank you once again
I wish your emotions weren't mixed - instead I wish you were devastated at breaking the 494 days. I also wish the best for you and wish that the 494 day success gives you confidence to do it again and to beat it! You say you bet as you were sure of the result - OK I believe you but ask yourself why then was it not good enough to tell a friend who shares a liking to football with you. Why gamble? Why is 494 so significant? Why are you on here in the first place? Ask yourself all these questions as from what I can tell 99999 out of 100000 people say maybe I can control it or have conquered it and they set themselves up for a good few falls in the near future. I hope you take my being blunt as being kind. Thanks
I very much welcome help in this way, I think it is important to be asking myself these type of questions in order to get closer to the root of what is happening.
I have been reflecting on why I chose to give into my urge on Tuesday, and I've noted some of the stand-out outcomes:
(in no particular order)
1) Being 494 days in and feeling incredibly strong/in control along this journey...yet was I not feeling challenged anymore at this positive stage? Have I done this to test myself? Wrongly or rightly, this outcome does feel like a big factor.
2) My environment - whilst this is by no means a valid excuse, I believe it plays a part. My girlfriend has an addiction to vaping, mostly because she gets bored or for when she gets stressed; along my own journey of going gamble-free and finding other ways to release my stress/boredom, I have found it difficult to see her get stressed and be able to access her 'easy' and 'pleasurable' stress-release. This is in no way me blaming someone else, I take full responsibility that I made the choice to gamble.
3) Feeling 'lost' and 'numb' lately in my life; I've built up a lot of financial comfort over those 494 days to the point where my hard work to not gamble, as well as earn money through working hard, that I have had a very disengaging relationship with money. It's (very gratefully) become a part of my life that doesn't stress me out over the past year; yet I feel like placing that bet on Tuesday was an attempt to gain some type of 'emotion' and 'excitement' with it. I won a good amount and I haven't stopped thinking about what I could buy 'for free' in that sense. Weird.
The positive I am focusing on right now is I have gone 1 whole day without gambling since Tuesday 26th July, and whilst I very nearly left the house to place a bet, I was stopped because a member of my family insisted they would go out to the shops for me instead (completely unaware of the situation too) - this felt like a big sign spiritually that I am really pleased denied me.
Thank you again for sparking all of the above in helping me re-discover my clarity that I was experiencing over the success of the 494 days.
Back Stronger.
“was that me failing myself over 494 days or was that me failing Tuesday 26th July 2022? In which case means I have a new day to aim at not gambling today.”
As far as I’m concerned you haven’t failed, you slipped up. Failing is turning that slip up into giving up. “One day at a time” is the best mantra, then everyday is a success.
Don’t beat yourself up, that’s only likely to lead to further gambling. A slip up can be just a slip up and not the end of the world xx
@azzabazza I've never been able to do what you've done. My relapses always lead to huge disaster in every part of my life, so I applaud you for stopping. I'm sure you won't but please don't now think that you've got it under control, even for those surewinner bets.
There was someone I know who had a small half hour relapse after three years and the advice I tried to give him was this. As recovering gamblers we have to hold ourselves to the highest standards everyday, so if you can get back on track and the worse you've done is one bet in a year and a half, that's not bad going.
Keep at it. The actual days don't really matter, it's the life you are now living because you are bet free that counts, and for me I choose today to not place that first bet.
Chris.
Hi
I am so glad that our sharing was helpful.
In saying it served you well in to some sparking some deeper reflection of my own is very helpful.
Your 500 days is not lost only the last few.
I not only want to be gamble-free I no longer waant to feel emotionally vulnerable and have emotional trigers.
Yes get an understanding of your last emotional triggers.
Thank you once again for you feed back and your sharing.
Our recovery is about being healthier and kinder to our selves.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
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