A Promise to Myself

Evening all,

I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I wanted to write my thoughts down and draw a line in the sand for myself. 

Just 30 minutes ago I've hit what feels like for me rock bottom, people no doubt have far deeper more complex stories than my own but it's just dawned on me how quite frankly embarrassed I am of how far I've let this go. 

I'll start with the facts and figures, currently find myself in around £15k worth of CC debt with most of it at zero interest for the next 12+ months, I live at home on a good wage so thankfully don't find myself in a hole to deep to climb out off.

The funny thing when reading stories is that my story feels similar yet so foreign. I was never in to gambling at an early age, never placed a bet beyond a fiver on the grand national once year, always saw it for what it was a fools errand. 

Yet here I am, a gambling addict, so how did this all start, after a few drinks with some friends in London we walked past Leicester Square and one friend suggested going in to one of the casinos, I wasn't particularly interested and but we went in, the gambling amateur and quite frankly the pessimist I am only pulled out £50, played a couple hands of roulette, was pleased to have come out even and left after 15 minutes. All fairly reasonable thus far.

On the face of it perfectly innocent, if not slightly intoxicated fun. If only I had known then what I do now, I would've begged to have never stepped foot or even gone out that evening , I could only of dreamed of a train cancellation or food poisoning but I suppose, if it wasn't then, it would've been another time.

I found myself after that evening downloading a casino app, roulette never took my fancy felt far to based on chance and not a hint of skill involved, so this is where I discovered blackjack, a game that probably down to my own ego felt like something that required skill. The fact I have zero bearing on what cards are pulled, still to this day seems to have failed to have registered.

I may have lost a few hundred and called it a day there, but in the back of my head there was always that arrogance and belief that I could beat the dealer. 

What is a massive flare up for me is crypto, again the dreams of making it rich on the careful choosing on one purchase is absolute catnip for someone like me, add 40-50% price swings and a 24/7 market and I had a sure fire way to ruin. 

At the risk of rambling I'll tie this up, so after an off and and on relationship with online casinos and crypto I find myself at this cross road, 15k+ in debt, a partner who's none the wiser and this undeniable feeling of embarrassment for being so foolish to full for one of the oldest tricks in the book, here I am.

As an aside I've registered for the maximum term on Gamstop and a blocker on my phone for crypto casinos, this will be and needs to be rock bottom for me. To anyone who's read this I appreciate you listening to my ramblings and do reach out if you ever need someone to speak your mind to.

Yours regretfully,

Alex