Do I tell her

Hi

Extremely difficult one to answer. Arguments for both sides. I don't know which one is right for you. Personally I think if it was me I'd come clean. Gambling makes us liars and deceitful, do you want to be that person?

I came clean (off my own back without getting caught out). That can never be taken away from me, it's sort of proof I'm serious about beating it.

How would she feel if she caught you out if you'd not told her?

If she loves you enough she'll stay. And if you are 100% focused that YOU want to stop then you can both live happy, just going to take time and hard work and a few changes eg you can't be having banks she's no acsess to.

Good luck and really hope you don't lose your family.

Thanks wawaw, I’ve definitely got to tell her In the not too distant future, our relationship is wonderful and like anything is built on trust, i think what I might do is try and get stable first, as I’m only 3 days in to recovery the urges are still affecting me (way more Than I thought they would!) and if I can show a proper period of time where I haven’t succumbed (few weeks?) I hope it can convince her a) how serious I am about not getting sucked back in and b) that the money I lost is being recovered in a sensible and grown up manner. Either way she will find out, and I do risk losing what is most important to me, but if I carried on gambling I would lose her anyway and jeopardise both her and our sons futures in the process.

Very close to my heart, I’ve decided not to tell her.

I’m 20k in debt and she’s very very careful with her money, 8 get away with it as we have separate bank accounts and she always gets the amount she needs off me, she does often wonder what I do with my money but so far hasn’t gone into me full throttle, at the moment I feel the risk is too high, I’m trying to battle this out myself right or wrongly.....personally if you are serious about stopping and can hide it and clear the debt why risk telling her......but......you have to then stop forever, that’s what I’ve come to, this is my very very last chance.

Good luck , don’t do it if you feel it’s not right, however she may surprise you, I’d hope mine would, I’m a coward in truth.

Thanks holycrosser,

It does feel like the way forward for me, I do want to be honest but I have almost set it as a goal, it will take me about 4 months to fully recover losses and I want to be able to say to my wife that this is what I have done, but this is what I’ve done since to make the financial side better, and that I will do everything I can to rebuild her trust. If I can get to that point then it will be another step taken on the journey to recovery (although in all honesty I don’t think it ever goes away, just becomes something you learn to live with) I am fully prepared for the eventuality that she finds out on her own, at which point I hope she can see how sincere I am about beating this, I’ve never been so motivated to do something in my life before and I can only hope she can see that when she finds out. Thank you for the advice, just being on this forum and being able to air some feelings is a huge help

I know I’m doing the wrong thing mate, it’s just my choice for now, I know her and it’s not always as simple as telling her, I’ve a lot to lose.either way.

If as you say your relationship is built on trust you're breaking that trust every single day you haven't told her. She has a right to make informed choices. Not telling her takes away that right and only being accountable to yourself makes it very much easier for you to justify another bet. If you want to show her you mean business start with offering her full control of and transparency with the finances.

holycrosser wrote:

I know I’m doing the wrong thing mate, it’s just my choice for now, I know her and it’s not always as simple as telling her, I’ve a lot to lose.either way.

Fair play pal, what I’m realising even though I am in very early stages of recovery, is that there is no right way to do this. everyone has different triggers, different levels of compulsion, amounts lost, things to lose from their actions etc, but I think that as long as you are honest with yourself about what you need to do to win your battle then that is the right way for you.

Time will tell for all of us but I know one thing for sure, that regardless of if/when/how/why my wonderful wife finds out about my activities, I stand a chance of saving our relationship if I am recovering, whereas I stand no chance if I’m not and regardless of how I, you, or anyone else goes about it, actually doing it is the key

Lethe wrote:

If as you say your relationship is built on trust you're breaking that trust every single day you haven't told her. She has a right to make informed choices. Not telling her takes away that right and only being accountable to yourself makes it very much easier for you to justify another bet. If you want to show her you mean business start with offering her full control of and transparency with the finances.

You may well be right, and in any everyday situation I wouldn’t hesitate, but this isn’t a normal situation. Morally you are undoubtedly correct, and I should straight away, but if I can show progress before opening up then I can give her hope that in the long run I can be trusted again. There is no doubt that I will divulge everything down to the last detail, but I don’t want the financial impact to be hanging over us when I do. It has become a goal for me to remove that part of the problem. It maybe the wrong approach but at least I can explain it from a position where I can show recovery as well as remorse. I have no doubt that I will be tempted to relapse, and that still having it secret gives me more opportunity to do so, but I am honest with myself about my motivation and am grimly determined not to let that happen

Hi tryingtochange. I have joined today. I got caught out by my girl..big time! That was 4 months ago and I stopped due to shock of her reaction. Due to my gambling blindness, I thought it was an over reaction...until I was asked to show my online banking history. I was shocked at what I had lost in the last year! Although I shouldn’t have been. Payday loans, borrowing from friends, it all added up. Like everyone on here it is the strangest addiction there is I think. If I don’t gamble I don’t feel pain, stressed, or anything. But all that rolls around in my head is that I’m missing out on something (which when I was gambling was life itself) I know this is going to be a battle until the day my life ends and hopefully by joining this group it will not make me feel alone and maybe will save my relationship. Although to be fair my partner is ambitious, kind and was trusting, this was not the first time I was caught out. In hindsight, I wish I would have told her rather than have been caught out. I think she would have respected me more, despite the fact the relationship might end anyway, rather than be caught out again and have the relationship end there and then. But you need to do whatever you think is right, as it will be you who will have to live with the consequences, either way. My main problem is horses. Not poker, slot machines, football! Don’t even like jump racing! So my biggest test will be when the flat season starts in earnest. So I know it is coming soon. I’m a bit scared as I know if I do a 10p yankee, to quell the urge,then I will start again. But hopefully I will be strong. If not I will be single, living in a bedsit in an undesired part of town. Thanks for reading my ramblings and good luck to everyone.

Mjc38111 wrote:

Hi tryingtochange. I have joined today. I got caught out by my girl..big time! That was 4 months ago and I stopped due to shock of her reaction. Due to my gambling blindness, I thought it was an over reaction...until I was asked to show my online banking history. I was shocked at what I had lost in the last year! Although I shouldn’t have been. Payday loans, borrowing from friends, it all added up. Like everyone on here it is the strangest addiction there is I think. If I don’t gamble I don’t feel pain, stressed, or anything. But all that rolls around in my head is that I’m missing out on something (which when I was gambling was life itself) I know this is going to be a battle until the day my life ends and hopefully by joining this group it will not make me feel alone and maybe will save my relationship. Although to be fair my partner is ambitious, kind and was trusting, this was not the first time I was caught out. In hindsight, I wish I would have told her rather than have been caught out. I think she would have respected me more, despite the fact the relationship might end anyway, rather than be caught out again and have the relationship end there and then. But you need to do whatever you think is right, as it will be you who will have to live with the consequences, either way. My main problem is horses. Not poker, slot machines, football! Don’t even like jump racing! So my biggest test will be when the flat season starts in earnest. So I know it is coming soon. I’m a bit scared as I know if I do a 10p yankee, to quell the urge,then I will start again. But hopefully I will be strong. If not I will be single, living in a bedsit in an undesired part of town. Thanks for reading my ramblings and good luck to everyone.

It’s nuts isn’t it, what we have done to ourselves! I suppose I am lucky in that I have not put myself into any significant debt so far (under no illusions that it’s a long road) but when I was busted the first time she was very clear what the consequences would be if I relapsed. With a clear head I genuinely believe that however she finds out (and she will) our relationship is strong enough to survive it but I want to show her I am already taking steps to beat it before I divulge. If it isn’t then I don’t deserve her anyway as the responsibility starts and ends at my door. First and foremost I have to beat this in the best way I can, gamstop is brilliant and signing up was the best reaction I could have had when the lightning bolt hit me and I realised how stupid what I was doing was. There will always be a way to carry on if I want, but reading peoples stories in here, and looking over at my son playing happily across from me thinking I am his hero, is all the motivation I should ever need and I will beat this if it kills me

I hope you do change19. Good luck mate and just feel when the time is right for you to take that step. I am in the last chance saloon and if I do it again, I’m going to leave her so she can have a chance of happiness with somebody who is not weak like myself. I have started making my own lunches to take to work and leave cash card at home. I am self excluded on the god knows how many online sites I was on ( I was so ashamed when she sat there making me close them all down, as well as the pay pal account that I was funnelling the money through) and yet she still stayed. God only knows why. It’s cliched I know but it really is a day at a time sort of issue we all have. Keep strong!

Mjc38111 wrote:

I hope you do change19. Good luck mate and just feel when the time is right for you to take that step. I am in the last chance saloon and if I do it again, I’m going to leave her so she can have a chance of happiness with somebody who is not weak like myself. I have started making my own lunches to take to work and leave cash card at home. I am self excluded on the god knows how many online sites I was on ( I was so ashamed when she sat there making me close them all down, as well as the pay pal account that I was funnelling the money through) and yet she still stayed. God only knows why. It’s cliched I know but it really is a day at a time sort of issue we all have. Keep strong!

Thanks buddy, you too. It’s a horrible affliction, it’s our 9 year wedding anniversary in 2 weeks (April fools day, oh the irony) and I think not wanting her memories of this day to coincide with when she found out her husband is a deadbeat is driving me to start this journey on my own, good luck with your battle. no matter how hard it is, I am starting to understand how much it is in our hands to change and stay changed

They should definitely advertise gam stop during half time at football rather than Ray f'ing Winstone spouting his P**h. Hopefully by the time my son is 18 there will be a different overall approach to gambling. Life is hard enough without the avoidable crushing lows that this carry on brings

Good man. My birthday is the 2nd of April! So I will toast your anniversary with a beer. Just joined gamstop! No more online activity for 5 years. Mad but took me about 10 mins to actually finish the form. Even though I knew it was the correct thing to do still hesitated. What a crazy addiction. You can spot alcoholics, drug addicts, from a mile away. But you can’t tell a gambler by looking at them! I wish people could as you couldn’t lie your way out of it! Be safe pal.