Facing up to being an addict

Hi Spav, 

As hard as it is, you have to accept that the money is gone - there is nothing that you can do that will change that. 

It is also a difficult situation to face, but you need to tell your wife what has happened. If she finds out by herself (which she will eventually) it makes it a lot harder to deal with. Especially if you have already confided in other people as it adds to the distrust (I am speaking for personal experience on this). Sit down with the wife and explain what happens; to an extent you have been lucky as you still have the house/job etc - a lot of people end up loosing everything. Your wife will be annoyed for a bit, but relationships are salvagable if you are honest. Don't let her find out by looking through the bank statements etc. 

Andy

Hello Spav and welcome to the forum.

We Understand! You are not the first person thats done this and you wont be the last.

There is a way forward for you and you must accept that you have done that and the money is not coming back by gambling. Gambling is not for you.  Its a highly addictive drug addiction, a mugs game and a vice.

The slots are the crystal meth of gambling and we understand how you gave in to temptation and then gambled to extinction.

You have to start a full recovery and get some monitoring. The secret will eat you up inside. Can you talk to your father for example?

Im afraid that the truth sets you free with this addiction. You wife will find out eventually...sooner rather than later.

You need some help and there is no shame in that. You also need protecting from yourself so no more loans and someone should be looking after the bulk of your money while you have no access to the joint account.

You can not make yourself totally ill over this and its a vicious spiral. I dont know your finances but you can get financial advice. You will find if you are honest with your loved ones it will be easier in the long run. There is probably a financial solution if you are open and honest about protecting others from your addiction as you recover

Treasure your job and try and do more work,,,try a second job in the short term. Your job is how you do earn money so try and go in with a smile on your face

You could write a letter explaining what you intend to do to recover. Its not about treating you like a baby but you will be living on a small allowance providing receipts as you heal and realise your relationships are the only important thing.

There is a way forward...Talk to people.

You can never be complacent about this again. Its hard to give you easy answers but you just cant give up and if you can maintain a quality of life for your wife and son you are doing well...Bond again! buy them something when you can. Im sure they love you

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Welcome.

The best advice I can give you is this. Right now where you are you can not and should not be doing this alone. The whole thing about fixing things/making it right again is like getting an unwilling lift even further down that road you should not be traveling. No use chasing. Cash will never come back by gambling. You need someone to take over your accounts while you get some help. Nasty but true the only one who can will be your wife or another immediate family. You want to face up to be an addict then relinquish all your economy so you can focus on your rehab because if you don't you may end up back here - wife and a whole lot less money than you did before. See it as a poisoned circle. You can not trust your own mind right now. See it as highjacked. When you have had some time away you can start again. We will be here to give you all the support we can.

Best

C

Hi @spav8323

You've done the right thing coming to the forum as there are lots of people on here who can give good advice and relate to your situation. You're not alone. Good that you have excluded for 5 years too. 

I echo everything that was said above. As tough as it is, the money has gone, but you have started to put blocks in place and admitted you have a problem. These are steps in the right direction and a way to start moving forward.

As hard as it is, I advise you to tell your wife. I found out by chance that my husband was a gambler and it was one of the worst moments of my life. I honestly think I would have found it easier to cope with if he had owned up.  

It sounds like your wife has already noticed a change in you. Once I found out, so many other things that I had noticed before fell into place.

I can't speak for your wife but relationships can survive. I was really angry and hurt initially but once I found out more about the addiction, I forgave my husband and I have stood by him. Reading posts on here really helped me.  

My husband said he felt a huge sense of relief once everything was finally out in the open and we have faced things together. 

Things may seem unbearable now, but time is a great healer. Things can get better. 

Good luck with everything.  

J

Hi Spav, 

you have some pretty decent advice above, I hope you find some support and guidance within it.

keep strong

dave101

I know what you mean about the value of money changing.  What £100 could buy in the real world!  Yet, £100 in ‘slot money’ is peanuts.  
I so wish I could turn the clock back too…. to June 2019.  In 30 months I have gambled 30k average 1000 per month.  What a difference to my life this money could have made.  Sick and ashamed of myself.  We are on this recovery journey together.  Stay strong.